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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD new boyfriend.....

21 replies

Stuckandinamess · 15/05/2022 09:22

My Dd is 21, still at home with good job and excellent career prospects in the future (did A levels but decided against Uni). She met a new partner in January and he stayed over with us for one night then went overseas for 4 months (in the army). When he was due to return she asked if he could stay over and this was agreed but he then moved in for his entire leave - pretty much a whole month! Yes , I know I should have clarified what she meant when asking if he could stay over. He went back to base this last weekend and was back again after 4 days for a long weekend, staying here again.
My concerns are- my DH and I barely know him and he is practically living here, he is here all day every day even when she is working (job is predominantly working from home) so I'm not sure how much work is being done from the amount of chatting and giggling I hear.
Am I being a bit tetchy here? Is it too late to set some boundaries I.e. he is more than welcome to stay on his weekends with us (Thurs, Fri and saturday) but if he is on periods of leave he could stay with his family through the week? This is causing me so much stress!!

OP posts:

Livebythecoast · 15/05/2022 09:54

Morning OP. I wouldn't be comfortable with that. The odd night here and there, or if you're happy for him to stay at the weekends like you mention, but not for weeks at a time.
Does your daughter (and new BF ) contribute towards rent/food etc?. Are his family close by?
I don't think it's too late to introduce some boundaries by sitting your daughter down and having a conversation about how you feel.

It's awkward if you barely know him and you shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home if that's how you feel.

ElenaSt · 15/05/2022 10:00

Time for her go move out and have her own place where she can entertain her boyfriend on leave in the privacy of her own home.

HardRockOwl · 15/05/2022 10:02

Oh stop being a mug! Just tell her the odd night every now and then is fine - him tipping up for weeks on end isn't. Tell her it stops now please.

I wouldn't be tip toeing around her on this issue - she's taking the piss and right now you're letting her

NerrSnerr · 15/05/2022 10:06

Just talk to your daughter. If you're close enough for her to live with you age 21 then you should be able to discuss this.

I think this is where it becomes problematic when young adults don't move into their own space. If she has a good job she should be able to afford to rent a studio flat or house share and then she can have people staying over whenever she wants.

happystory · 15/05/2022 10:10

Why can't he stay with family for some of the time? He must have been living somewhere previously. I've had experience of this and absolutely hated it.

ThreeB · 15/05/2022 10:13

Why can't she go and stay in the Mess with him?

Original poster

Stuckandinamess · 15/05/2022 10:23

Thank you so much for the responses. Seems like it isn't me being harsh which is a great reassurance. To answer some of the questions...

His base is at the other end of the country and she goes into the office one day a week so logistically staying with him would be tricky. Also, I don't think they would allow her to stay there as she isn't military or married to him.

From what I can gather (the little I seem to know about him) he stays with grandparents when on leave usually as his parents split up when he was in his teens and have new families with no space for him (he is 23 so to be fair, they would expect him to be making his own way in life). I am trying not to think that we have become a B&B !

Daughter does give us some money every month and to be fair, they are always out and about so don't eat much here - laundry has increased as has shower usage!

OP posts:

abigailsnan · 15/05/2022 10:25

Its time for her to have a flat of her own by the sounds of it if she is working she can certainly afford it,and he is on a good wage even if he is a Private I know from the pay both my boys where on when they where Privates so he should really be contributing to her costs of renting their place.

DenholmElliot · 15/05/2022 10:48

Yes, time for her to move out.

I had a blanket ban on kids having any boyfriends/girlfriends stay over. It's easier.

My friend lived near an army barracks and when her daughter starting dating a soldier she asked if he could stay over and her my friend said yes. Then her DD split up with him and had another army boyfriend and asked if he could stay over and friend said yes. Two years later, friend ls upset and crying that she has basically allowed half a dozen squaddies to come into her house and sleep with her daughter.

Make sure that doesn't happen to you.

TraceyLacey · 15/05/2022 10:52

I don't agree with the suggestions that she moves out so he can stay with her. If they met in January then he was away for 4 months, they hardly know each other.

dottiedodah · 15/05/2022 11:17

I think just to say a few days or WE fine .However a month is too long. Can they not see his DGP sometimes ? Is DD financially able to move out (Difficult I know as Rentals sky high ATM) Its your house at the end of the day after all

Ducksurprise · 15/05/2022 11:26

It is your home, but it is also hers.
You have to think about what you really want to achieve (and I don't mean only having him there when is suits you because otherwise it isn't her home) do you want her to move out? Do you want him to contribute? Do you want them to move out together?

Regards how much work is being done, that isn't really your concern anymore as she is an adult and has to carve her own path. Plus she knows him.

Fwiw I'm not being unsympathetic, I found it very difficult hosting young adults, I desperately wanted them to move out but equally not in a rush with a unsuitable partner, nor into a place that would get them stuck in renting for life. It's bloody hard.

Catshaveiteasy · 15/05/2022 11:40

You've made it difficult by having already allowed him to stay. It wouldn't be fair to pressurised her into moving out if she isn't planning this yet. And it might push her into commitment with a man she barely knows.

What annoys you about it? That she isn't doing her job properly? That's her responsibility. That he doesn't pay towards any upkeep? Work out something reasonable and ask him to. That the relationship is moving too fast? You can't control an adult relationship. That they disturb your life in some way? Have a conversation about boundaries. You barely know him? Make the effort to get to know him. Invite him to eat with you or take him out for a drink.

My 21 yo has a LDR. She goes to stay with him and his family fir a week, or teo weeks at a time. They are very welcoming to her but have drawn the line at times. It's harder for him to come here but he has done so and stayed 5 to 7 days at a time. They mainly organise their own meals and arrange to go out most days for at least part of the time, so it doesn't impact on us too much.

happystory · 15/05/2022 11:50

Then he should stay with his grandparents as before, and maybe the odd night or two with you. If they are that keen, they could do the occasional weekend in a Premier Inn!

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 15/05/2022 12:31

You’ve left it a bit late really. How can you address it without a fall out now?

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 15/05/2022 12:33

Could they get an Airbnb for times when he has a week of leave?

AskingforaBaskin · 15/05/2022 12:38

If he's a squaddie they'll be married soon.

But YANBU at all. You need to talk to her.

KangarooKenny · 15/05/2022 12:48

On the one hand it’s not fair that he spends his whole leave at your house, on the other hand if you push it she might move out, or marry him and move away.
Id put up with it for now if I was you.
Perhaps suggest they have a couple of nights away on his next leave.

NerrSnerr · 15/05/2022 12:50

KangarooKenny · 15/05/2022 12:48

She might move out or marry him and move away anyway. That's the kind of stuff grown adults do.

Ducksurprise · 15/05/2022 13:03

Two years later, friend ls upset and crying that she has basically allowed half a dozen squaddies to come into her house and sleep with her daughter. Make sure that doesn't happen to you.

Wtf, this is just shaming women. There is nothing wrong with an adult wanting to sleep with other adults.

KangarooKenny · 15/05/2022 13:23

NerrSnerr · 15/05/2022 12:50

She might move out or marry him and move away anyway. That's the kind of stuff grown adults do.

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Whatever 🙄

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