To feel resentful?

[Blastoff50]

DH has depression and goes through depressive episodes which can last weeks at a time. During this time he is angry and withdrawn and negative about everything. It’s really difficult to live with because you can’t do anything right and the atmosphere in the house makes me really anxious. He’s just come out of a particularly bad episode and seems to think life should just continue along as it did before. I try so hard to give him what he needs and support him as best as I can but it does take it’s toll on me too. I can’t say this to him because he gets angry and says it’s my own issues that make me feel like this, not his depression. I can’t help but feel resentful towards him because of this, AIBU? I should add that he does get help for his depression.

Its not surprising you feel as you do. Having had a DH with MH problems, I can say that I wouldn’t have stayed long term if he hadn’t taken steps to resolve the situation permanently.
You would be within your rights to consider your options.

Yanbu, it's extremely challenging living with someone struggling with their mental health- even when you love them its hard and the support for family is zero. I know medication and therapy doesn't fix things fully but it sounds like his depression is impacting his life to the extent that he needs to try something else. Does he have a support worker or does he just see the GP? I understand it's tricky to talk about when they're out of the episode as it's not their fault as such, but his behaviour following it is a choice he is making- and trying to blame it on you rather than him when you're bending over backwards to accommodate his down periods would make a lot of people resentful I'm sure.

YABU.

In sickness & in health....

That said, it's not that simple. Be kind to yourself, don't be ashamed of seeking help for yourself as the depression deeply affects you both.

Separate your husband from his illness in your mind as best you can. He's doing what he can.

You count too OP. Your emotions and needs

He promised to love, cherish and honour her, in some combination or other.

Marriage vows don’t give one party permission to emotionally shit on the other. Or blame them for normal reactions to being shat on.

The fact he's getting angry at the OP for expressing HER emotions when she has supported him through his is certainly not "doing what he can". Thats terrible behaviour. So basically, when he needs supports she's to give it, but when she needs it, he gets angry and she gets none.

Thats not a good relationship in my opinion

Of course YANBU.

My friend recently married a man who has had long term depression since their relationship began (9 years ago). He sleeps all day, and only wakes between 2-8, then he’ll go back to his pit. They never go on any dates or do anything together. When he is ‘well’ it’s only when he wants to do something, like play golf or go on a stag do.

I think she’s insane to have stayed- but women are expected to be rehab centres and especially understanding of men who are mentally ill.

I know lots of women with OCD, depression, anxiety (myself included) and we tend to mask and overcompensate when we feel better. We also do whatever we can to be ‘better’ for the people will love in our lives. Male entitlement unfortunately leads them to expect us to be emotional punching bags or health care assistants for their various issues.

For the people we* love…

I know lots of women with OCD, depression, anxiety (myself included) and we tend to mask and overcompensate when we feel better. We also do whatever we can to be ‘better’ for the people will love in our lives. Male entitlement unfortunately leads them to expect us to be emotional punching bags or health care assistants for their various issues

This has been my experience too. Its quite shocking how even domestic abuse from men gets excused with the old "well, he does have mental health issues- be kind" as if that makes it ok. Essentially, it doesnt really matter the cause- if its causing you constant emotional and mental pain you want it to stop and sometimes that means leaving.

Just as he feels he needs support and understanding with his MH, so do you. It must be annoying saying you have your own issues. Tell him it's not a one way street.

YANBU. It's incredibly hard living with someone with depression and he needs to recognise that and understand that you deserve compassion too. Can you look into local groups for people in a similar situation to you?

I really don't know the answer, it's tough on both of you. I'm ND and have a MH issue which I know can sometimes make life quite difficult for my partner, but I also really can't help it. I receive support for it which has helped, but I will obviously be ND for life and my MH issue has been with me for more than half my life now, so I think it's also here to stay.
That said, I can and do acknowledge when it causes stress for my partner when I can, but I do also struggle to see it sometimes and do think "well he has no MH issues and doesn't struggle like I do so he shouldn't be complaining when I have it worse". I will eventually see that I'm wrong, but not always straight away.