Daughter's Friend

icanonlydosomuch · 2022-05-15T05:09:18+00:00

My daughter is 16. Her best friend is a lovely girl and, because of their friendship, I'm now quite friendly with the girl's mum. My daughter let it slip some while ago that her best friend is gay. It's no big deal but I've not mentioned it in front of her and she hasn't told her parents yet. I know the friend she is struggling with things at the moment for various reasons including imminent GCSEs etc. My daughter thinks her friend would benefit from telling her parents about her sexuality as that would be one less thing for her to "worry about". They would be hugely supportive. I'm not meant to know, but should my daughter encourage her friend to tell her parents or do we just keep out of it?

user1487194234 · 15/05/2022 06:12

Keep out of it

Notimeforaname · 15/05/2022 06:13

Yes keep out of it completely.

Giveitall · 15/05/2022 06:14

Keep out of it.

autienotnaughty · 15/05/2022 06:14

I would say you need to keep out of it. If she's talking to your daughter about her struggles your daughter could suggest it but ultimately it's up to her.

LakieLady · 15/05/2022 06:15

I'd be telling her that it's no-one's business but the girl's, and that she will come out when she feels ready to.

Outing someone is awful.

Maybebabyno2 · 15/05/2022 06:15

Just keep out of it.

Solidarityovercharity · 15/05/2022 06:31

I know 'keep out of it' is the mumsnet way and is reflective of this individualistic society we live in, however for thousands of years we lived within communities where we looked out for each other and tried to help each other. If it was me I would have a quiet word in the mother's ear - you've said they'd be hugely supportive so it's unlikely to go badly and very likely to help a struggling teenager

LibraryFairy · 15/05/2022 06:35

Solidarityovercharity · 15/05/2022 06:31

I know 'keep out of it' is the mumsnet way and is reflective of this individualistic society we live in, however for thousands of years we lived within communities where we looked out for each other and tried to help each other. If it was me I would have a quiet word in the mother's ear - you've said they'd be hugely supportive so it's unlikely to go badly and very likely to help a struggling teenager

Oh, absolutely don't do this! It's not your news and not your decision to tell.
DD could certainly encourage her friend to tell (but not push her) and both of you should otherwise stay out of it.

ElenaSt · 15/05/2022 06:38

The mothers nose may be put out of joint if you tell her as she may feel resentful that her daughter told your daughter and you before telling her.

Keep completely out of it.

MoniJitchell · 15/05/2022 07:23

You both need to keep your nose out, your dd already breached her friends confidence by telling you.

TheLadyDIdGood · 15/05/2022 07:26

Keep schtum but send these links to your dd to share with her friend if appropriate:

www.mind.org.uk/

Young Minds mental health resources

Kooth young mental health resources www.kooth.com/

BobHadBitchTits · 15/05/2022 07:42

Why on earth would you do anything but keep out of it?!

Original poster

icanonlydosomuch · 15/05/2022 10:10

I AM going to keep out of time completely. It's not my place to say anything!

It's just a shame as I can see that the young girl is struggling and I'm sure that a huge weight would be lifted if she told her parents. They would be fine about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

icanonlydosomuch · 15/05/2022 10:11

ElenaSt · 15/05/2022 06:38

The mothers nose may be put out of joint if you tell her as she may feel resentful that her daughter told your daughter and you before telling her.

Keep completely out of it.

I would never tell her mum! It's not my business to tell her!

OP posts:

Original poster

icanonlydosomuch · 15/05/2022 10:12

MoniJitchell · 15/05/2022 07:23

You both need to keep your nose out, your dd already breached her friends confidence by telling you.

In her defence, my daughter didn't tell me. She inadvertently said something that I picked up on

OP posts:

NightmareSlashDelightful · 15/05/2022 10:13

Yeah keep out of it, and tbh your daughter needs to keep out of it too (while remaining a solid friend, of course). By which I mean - not telling her friend what to do.

Coming out is a very personal thing, and a crucial thing for gay and lesbian young people to do at their own speed, at a time of their own choosing.

It doesn't matter if this girl's parents would be fine with it -- she needs to control that narrative herself. Otherwise something crucially important is being taken away from her.

zingally · 15/05/2022 11:18

Absolutely zero, nadda, none of your (or DDs) business. Stay a million miles away.

codeVeronica · 20/05/2022 18:46

Solidarityovercharity · 15/05/2022 06:31

I know 'keep out of it' is the mumsnet way and is reflective of this individualistic society we live in, however for thousands of years we lived within communities where we looked out for each other and tried to help each other. If it was me I would have a quiet word in the mother's ear - you've said they'd be hugely supportive so it's unlikely to go badly and very likely to help a struggling teenager

This is terrible advice.

Cookiecrumble22 · 20/05/2022 18:56

It simply is not your place. Leave her be she will tell them when she's ready

Elsiebear90 · 20/05/2022 18:57

Solidarityovercharity · 15/05/2022 06:31

I know 'keep out of it' is the mumsnet way and is reflective of this individualistic society we live in, however for thousands of years we lived within communities where we looked out for each other and tried to help each other. If it was me I would have a quiet word in the mother's ear - you've said they'd be hugely supportive so it's unlikely to go badly and very likely to help a struggling teenager

Absolutely do no do this, not only is it not your place and she will know your daughter has told you and broke her trust, but you have no idea whether her parents will be accepting. I thought my own mum would accept me when I came out at 23 and she reacted horribly, it took her two years to accept it. My fiancées mum was terrible to her when she found as well.

dottiedodah · 20/05/2022 19:12

I would not say anything to the Mum .You run the risk of the Mum either being in denial ,or possibly having an inkling and being upset that you know! No one can be 100% sure of their parents reaction . Stay supportive of the girl and have her over ,be chatty as normal.

BusterSword · 20/05/2022 21:31

Solidarityovercharity · 15/05/2022 06:31

I know 'keep out of it' is the mumsnet way and is reflective of this individualistic society we live in, however for thousands of years we lived within communities where we looked out for each other and tried to help each other. If it was me I would have a quiet word in the mother's ear - you've said they'd be hugely supportive so it's unlikely to go badly and very likely to help a struggling teenager

And if OP is wrong about the parents being supportive?

SiobhanSharpe · 20/05/2022 21:41

ElenaSt · 15/05/2022 06:38

The mothers nose may be put out of joint if you tell her as she may feel resentful that her daughter told your daughter and you before telling her.

Keep completely out of it.

Absolutely this!
A close friend almost destroyed a long friendship with another friend when she told her something about her friend's daughter that she thought the mother should know.
Her friend absolutely hated the fact that our mutual friend knew something about her daughter that she didn't, and resented her for a long time. They are ok now but it's not the same relationship it was.

Stay out of it.

ChocolateHippo · 20/05/2022 22:08

You don't know that the parents would be fine with it, you just think that they would. Your DD's friend knows her parents better than you do and presumably has her reasons for not telling them.

Bournetilly · 20/05/2022 22:09

I think it would be fine to encourage your daughter to get her friend to tell them, as long as it comes from the friend herself.