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To feel sorry for myself?
15

RainbowsAndPuddings · 15/05/2022 00:08

My mum passed away suddenly over a month ago and at the time I dealt with it quite well. I'm an only child, so had to do everything myself from the medical stuff, liaising with coroner about autopsy and arranging funeral. I had a bit of a cry, but didn't break down. Friends rallied around at time, as did DH, but now it's back to BAU for everyone.

Fast forward to today and I've come down with the vomiting bug that's doing the rounds. This morning DH's mum had a fall and he was going to see her.

I was feeling so sick that I asked him to sort out breakfast for the DCs (7 and 9) before he left. Cue him going "FGS, my mum's had a fall and I need to go and see her". His DSis was with his DM so she wasn't on her own. I was thinking "Shit, my mum just DIED and I've not had a cry or expected you to be my emotional crutch."

I didn't say anything and he gave DCs their breakfast and left.

DH has been a moody bugger all evening, DCs have been playing up and the house is a tip. Just now, had a shower to try and make myself feel better. But I literally just stood in the shower and cried my eyes out. Normally, when I've been unwell, DM would ways call and see how I was. Okay, she did catastrophise things, but she'd be genuinely worried about me. Right now I feel so alone, like I have no one who actually gives a shit. In bed now and I'm crying as I type this.

Sorry for the long post. I'm 40 and I know I probably need to grow up, but I really miss my mum and her unconditional love. Am I being unreasonable? Do I need to grow up and get on with life?

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EncantoDaisies · 15/05/2022 00:14

I'm so sorry for your loss op.

I was the same when my dad died, only child too so I just got on with it arranged funeral, did bits and bats business as usual - it took a little while for the grief to hit and that's okay. I don't think it matters how old we are, missing a parent is a very normal emotion.

DH might be feeling the strain too, he was worried about his mum and grief can show in all sorts of ways.

Maybe when he's calmed down a bit and you start to feel a bit better you can both have a chat about it.

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pumpkinpie01 · 15/05/2022 00:28

I'm so so sorry about your mum xx

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CornedBeef451 · 15/05/2022 00:31

No you don't have to grow up, you're grieving your mom. It might only be hitting you now as you've had so much to do.

Your DH might not realise how it has affected you, people just don't know if they haven't gone through it themselves.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

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CockSpadget · 15/05/2022 00:31

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. What's happened to you is quite a common psychological response to a bereavement, your grief put itself "on hold" for you to be able to deal with all the necessary tasks following your Mums death, now those tasks are done it's hitting you. You need to be very kind to yourself, and you also need to tell your H how you are feeling. He has been very naive, and taken for granted how well you dealt with everything, and assumes you're back to normal.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

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Justlovedogs · 15/05/2022 00:32

Sending hugs, OP.
YANBU at all. I lost my DM a little over a year ago now. Was expected and no real surprise. However, every 'first' since she's gone hurts. First Christmas, birthday, feeling unwell. It's OK to have a good cry. Hope you feel better soon. Flowers

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Everley · 15/05/2022 01:07

I am so sorry for your loss OP. My mum is the only person who genuinely seems to care about how I am too (I have a chronic illness that everyone else doesn’t seem to give a fig about). I worry that when she’s no longer here no-one will be bothered about me. You are definitely not being unreasonable about that.

Please be very gentle and kind to yourself x

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RainbowsAndPuddings · 15/05/2022 10:09

Thank you for your kindness, everyone. And I'm sorry to those of you who have been through a loss too.

Everything just feels so bleak at the moment. I keep wishing I'd done more for her. My DM was really independent and lived on her own. But over the past few months of her life (we didn't know they were going to be tht last few years of her life), she became quite "needy". Due to Covid and a long-term health condition, she was shielding for practically two years and became housebound. For example, she'd asked me to do various things that I wasn't able to do for her in time - get her a pendant alarm in case of emergencies, teach her again to use the smart home I bought her so she could video call my DCs, and fix her alarm clock.

My DH suggested I put cameras in her house so we could see she was okay. I didn't manage to do any of that and I feel if I'd done some of those things, she's still be here (ie, the pendant alarm - she could've called for help, or installing cameras - we could have seen her collapse).

I spoke to DM almost everyday and did her online shop. A few weeks before DM died, she asked me to go over so we could
sit and talk about the old days. I said I would, but never managed it.

I feel like I contributed to her death because of all those things. I wish I could reverse time.

DH's own DF passed away three years ago and he dealt with it so well. He still hasn't cried over it. He's very matter-of-fact ("We're born and we die, that's a fact of life. We can't change it so why dwell on it?"). I think he's is on the spectrum, possibly Asperger's. He's not very emotional at all. He's hasn't told me he loves me since we got married - 16 years ago ("Why do you need to hear it? My behaviour should tell you").

When I had an initial cry after DM died, I don't even get a hug from him, just a few shoulder squeezes. And he said "Look, don't worry. She's gone now. At least she's not suffering and you don't have to look after her". The thing is, he didn't mean it in an horrible way - it's his logical way of thinking. But I guess DH's behaviour should be a separate thread.

Sorry again that this is so long. I haven't actually said all this or allowed myself to think it, and it's all coming out now.

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lollipoprainbow · 15/05/2022 10:20

Not being silly at all, my darling mum has advanced dementia and what I would give for one of our phone calls. She was my rock and we spoke several times a day. Life is hard I have an autistic daughter and I have no one to share the problems with. I feel so alone too.

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DolphinaPD · 15/05/2022 10:26

You are most definitely not being unreasonable Flowers

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Workinghardeveryday · 15/05/2022 10:27

No wonder you were crying!

Life has been really trying for you recently. So sorry to hear about your mum xxx

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justfiveminutes · 15/05/2022 10:31

I'm so sorry about your lovely mum. It sounds as if you dh isn't able to understand what you need, is there anyone else you can talk to? Or maybe you will have to sit him down and explain it. I hope things get better x

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beeswain · 15/05/2022 10:43

So very sorry to hear about your Mum.
I remember after my father died thinking that in the immediate period after he died I was sort of 'protected' in a little bubble - there is a lot to sort out. The somehow a month later it felt like the world had all gone back to normal and I was in absolute bits. The sudden realisation that this was 'it' now, people had given me initial sympathy and moved on but my dear dad was no longer there.
And of course you did not contribute to her death - unfortunately life just gets in the way and we don't always get around to doing and saying what we want to. But you are having difficult 'what if' feelings on top of your grief.
Have a good cry, there are people out there who understand how you feel even if we are internet strangers. It will take time to grieve, so allow yourself some space.

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dottiedodah · 15/05/2022 10:53

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss.A month is nothing really in terms of grieving for a parent .Time is not really a healer ,but it gives you space to come to terms with it. The first year is so hard.Everything you describe is how I felt when DM passed .I could have done more (couldnt as she went to a Nursing home due to medical issues)Visited all the time .And so on .Please be kind to yourself ,So the house is messy who cares for a while? Just rest and sleep .Im sorry you are unwell ATM that makes it hard . Maybe see Cruse they are a wonderful organisation that can offer help/counselling to you .Everyone deals with grief in their own way .Your DH may find it comes out later for him.If hes on the spectrum then that is his way of coping .Many men dont always show their emotions anyway . The Samaritans are avaliable 24/7 and are very kind .With DC you cant always find time to go over the past ,and its very natural to blame yourself .Please take care OP. Sending hugs to you xx

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lemongreentea · 15/05/2022 10:56

So sorry OP for the loss of your dear mum. I really feel for you and hope you are gentle and kind to yourself.

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Lemonyfuckit · 15/05/2022 11:26

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. You're not being remotely silly, losing a parent is huge and one month is zero time - you're allowed to be grieving (I won't say 'still' grieving as there's no time limit - I'm a year in and very much 'still' grieving, and I don't see that changing). I hope it was just worry and stress that made your DH snap like that and not think, and that he's able to give you more support. Hugs to you OP and Flowers and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.

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