Advice Needed.

[MiniB90]

Hey all.

I'm concerned.
So my children live with there dad full time due to health reasons.

One of my children is massively struggling at school with emotions and anger and getting overwhelmed. My other children are also a little like this but more the anger side.

They were not like this at all when they were with me.

I have recently found out that he is working as much as he can including the weekends and they are with there grandfather.

I'm concerned because as there main carer surely he should be giving them the attention rather than working.

He doesn't see him working all the time as an issue because the kids have all they want because he has money to do it.

Surely this would be neglecting them.

When I have them it straight from school on a Friday till Saturday afternoon, as I said I'm limited because of my illness.
When they arrive on a Friday, my child that's suffering with emotions and anger will go into a meltdown because he hasn't desensitised from a long week at school.

Then another child refuses to eat as they are tired from nursery.
I'm stuck in a rut because I feel they don't get the right attention they should have from there father.
I've asked many times to have them on a Saturday till a Sunday but he said no because he works all Sunday.

There is many other issues too. I just feel he should be home with them more.

What can I do. Do I speak with SS for advice.

Am I being oversensitive about this. I'm concerned for my children.

Why are you blaming it on their father working? Lots of children spend time with their grandparents when their parents work.

I'm assuming he's working to support them? Many of us have to work all the hours we can to support our kids, so what would your suggestion be? That he take a pay cut by working less hours? Have you asked if he can afford to do that?

He’s using childcare and having them spend time with a (loving?) grandparent. Exactly what plenty of working parents, single or in relationships, do. It’s unlikely any of this is the cause of your DC’s emotional problems - it sounds like things have been difficult for them in terms of having separated parents, not seeing much of you, and they’ll be aware of and worried about your health problems, even if you’re unaware of it.

You mention social services: do you have a social worker? If so then yes, they should be the first port of call for getting support for your DC. Is there a family support worker at their school/s you and your ex could both meet with? How involved are school with their support?

If he's at home with them more, who is paying for your children. Presumably you aren't working and paying maintenance?

No it really isn't 'neglect'.

Can you possibly have the children for a couple of hours every evening?

So he is working to provide for them, yet he is also not supposed to work and spend time with them? It sounds like he is doing the best that he can and for you to be accusing him of neglect with you only having them over for very little time is just wrong. I understand that you are limited but to then use the word neglect is just awful.

Have the children received any help (counselling etc) to process and deal with your ill-health? It can be traumatising having a sick parent, especially if this changes living arrangements. It's surely more likely this is the root cause of their behaviour than spending time with their grandparents as their dad works.

Unless your ex is wealthy he will be working to earn money to provide for his children. I doubt he receives much, if anything, for child maintenance. Providing for your children is not neglect.

Are you having a laugh? Neglect? By working to provide his kids with everything they need or want? Don't waste social services time ffs, he would probably love to be at home with them more but is putting their needs first. You know food, clothing etc. Costs money?

It's very hard being a lone parent (because sorry, he basically is) even before you factor in a job. You getting arsey with him will achieve nothing and is likely a kick in the teeth and ungrateful

This is not neglect. The children might need support but it’s not neglect and to call it that is slightly insulting to children who are actually neglected. I think a PP was correct to say the children might need some general emotional support to deal with their living situation.

Are you paying any maintenance, or is he working to provide for them ?

I know you've cited health reasons but they're more likely to be struggling with their confusing home situation than they are about spending time with their grandfather, speaking as someone who was very aware from a young age that fathers having full custody isn't very common.

I think your current position/attitude is due to your guilt. Rather than diving in the deep end reporting to SS perhaps you could communicate with the Dad and see what further support you can offer, albeit by a facetime to help with homework or a bi-nightly chat for the children to tell you about their day. The Dad is doing everything he can to raise these children that you are unable to do and are on the face of it only minimally supporting. Ask yourself what more can you do.

I would be really concerned why their emotional well being and behaviour has declined since living with their father. What does school say about their behaviour? I would definitely seek counselling to get to the bottom of it.

If he works on Sunday, why can't he collect them after work?