Contact for DD

[DriftGames]

ExH and I split 13 months ago (some may recognise my username). He has been inconsistent in regards to DD - now 2.5yo. He lives with his parents still, and is yet to have her entirely 'on his own' - we are not young young, he's 32 so should be capable of taking care of a 2.5 year old alone.

My AIBU is in regards to his contact with her. By his own choice, he sees her every other Sunday 9-7 and Tuesday and Wednesday evening 6-8. However, I can't remember the last time he didn't arrive late, return her early, pull a sickie.. the usual deadbeat stuff. He's a social media dad through and through, posts pics of mine that I've taken of DD on days out/holidays as he doesn't do these things with her. I'm over it, anyone that knows us knows it's me that has her full time and provides for her, takes her out etc.

I regularly ask if he is happy with his current schedule to see DD, in case he wishes to increase or have her overnight etc but always ignored so I assume it's dead in the water and this is as good as she's going to get.

So, given his inconsistency, his constant fails to see her or late arrival/early drop off, AIBU to be upfront and tell him he needs to pull his act together or he will need to go through court for contact arrangements? I don't want to seem like 'that' mum, but my poor girl is understanding now when he should be here and that he doesn't turn up etc. If I'm honest, I'd sooner he just go away like I think he eventually will, as he has with his son from a previous relationship, but I don't wish for my daughter to not have a dad.

I'm a bit lost. Any suggestions on handling this?

I would make her available at the set times and let him know if he's 30 mins late that's it. Can you nip out to the shops a few times in the evenings so he can't return her early?

If this doesn't work then yes let him go to court.

No I wouldn’t do that, you do realise court just means you need to make her available on those days but he doesn’t actually have to stick to it right? Court will only benefit him not you as court isn’t there to make a father have contact, it’s if the RP is being difficult with contact not a way to force the NRP to stick to contact, he can still do all those stuff but will have a court order meaning you have to stick to it even if he is messing around and the only one who will get into trouble for not sticking to it is you.

Yes I just wouldn't be available to have her back on the days he wants to bring her home early.

You can suggest the courts but he probably wouldn't bother with all that.

I regularly ask if he is happy with his current schedule to see DD, in case he wishes to increase or have her overnight etc but always ignored so I assume it's dead in the water and this is as good as she's going to get

Sort a night out or in for yourself and tell him hes must have her overnight.

If he’s meant to be there at a set time tell him your dd will be available until 30 mins past that time and then go out and do something else - if your dd is upset take her to the park or treat her some other way. Don’t tell dd when he is supposed to be there, so she can’t be upset if he isn’t.

What's his family like? Would more contact with grandparents be something you would consider? They could be valuable relationship for DD even if he's a bit flakey. They might be having a protective effect against his flakiness.

(As someone who has had a bit of a rant about their dad being late this morning)

Of course he should be capable and doing stuff but some genuinely can't (ex) and some can't be arsed and some just won't.

He might come into his own later and pick up some slack. Or he might fade out altogether if he has before.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'll definitely say 30 mins late and that's it, it just means I can't make solid plans on my one day a fortnight without her in case he's late/a no show. It's crap.

@PumpkinsandKittens I had no idea - can you tell I'm new to this?! Perhaps I just need to be more stern then as PP's have said and only make her available on those days/times and only allow 30 mins late.

@Notimeforaname I tried this once, he hit me with every excuse in the book. The only time he's ever even put her to bed was March when I had my works delayed Christmas do and he refused overnight but put her to bed at my house and stayed until I was back, but told me 10:30pm latest. The event didn't start until 8.

@BlackeyedSusan his parents adore her, we're childcare 2 days a week when I went back to work but when he left me they wouldn't even look at me at pick up and drop off - they're in their 60's and I'm late 20's, I couldn't cope being treated like a naughty child so I put her in childcare and politely told them they didn't need to have her now, bought them a thank you gift for their help etc and said all they need to do is text me when they want to see her and I'll make sure it happens. They've never text me, they just see her when her dad has her.

Luckily she has me and my family and friends who adore.

Regarding contact - just drop her off on a Sunday/during the week and then don’t be in until drop off time.

@underneaththeash to be honest, I never thought about me doing the drop off/pick ups. That would take a hell of a lot of the control away from him wouldn't it? I may suggest this, thank you. We are less than half a mile away so it's no skin off of either of our noses, he doesn't really have a reason to say no to this.

Yeh it’s a bit pointless the RP suggesting court, it’s rubbish though but ultimately no one can force him to parent even a judge, so they will set up contact time but he won’t have to stick to it so you will be back to square one only legally you will have to make them available to him for the times set out in the court order I would just stop waiting around for him if he doesn’t show up etc

Thanks @PumpkinsandKittens, that's really useful info.