To ask if doing everything but look after children is balanced and fair?

[disappearie]

Just this, my friends partner doesn’t like doing much with his kids, and his defence is that he literally does everything but the kid stuff and that that’s fair.

my friend does all the kid stuff, looks after toddler, newbown, does the shopping, buys their clothes, toys, does naps, meals and all the play / daycare drop offs and normally works full time, she also does the night wakes and resettles.

her partner thinks this is fair, and that they are operating as a team. Meanwhile she seems to be falling apart, hardly sleeps, doesn’t look after herself like she used to and has become very withdrawn from her friends.

she wanted to know from me if I thought it was actually fair, to me, it feels like yes they are splitting duties but hers a far more exhausting, so no, I think its not fair.

She’s considering leaving him.

Is she being unreasonable?

Er what does he actually do?! She sounds exhausted and SIBU

*SINBU sorry!

No. He's chosen the easy jobs. Kids are exhausting. Washing the pots is a break in our house.

She works too so he isn't doing everything is he, I mean how much else is there to do really after all that? Why did he have children in the first place? If they split it could go either way, either he steps up when he sees them or perhaps he just won't bother. Sounds like a sad situation for the children.

She works as well so he isn’t doing everything else. He wouldn’t even have a point if he worked FT and did all of the housework (which he doesn’t) because they’re his children too so both should be parenting them together. She’d probably find things easier as a single parent, he doesn’t really do much anyway.

He is not being a father.

Years ago I read on here about a couple that would fight over who got to clear up after dinner and who got to put the kids to bed etc. looking after children is relentless and draining. Household chores can be mindless and meditative and allow some headspace. So what you are describing is not fair. Beyond issues of fairness who leaves their wife to struggle and doesn’t interact with their kids?

He isn’t doing his share. To start with he’s sleeping all night and not doing anything at all during that period. Personally I’d leave him, at least then she’ll get a break at the weekend when he has custody.

If she’s doing all the shopping, meals, washing and everything else for the kids, what is he actually doing?

He won’t be doing a separate food shop not for the kids. I bet he’s eating what the OP cooks.

Is he washing his own clothes, using a vacuum cleaner occasionally and maybe cleaning the loo?

C'mon, OP, imagine a woman saying this. Wouldn't happen. He's lazy, entitled and thinks he can pick and choose his family duties, while she has no choice. He thinks he is better, more powerful and more deserving of choice and sleep than his partner.

I think what would upset me most in her situation is that he clearly has no desire at all to spend time with or have a relationship with his children. I think even if it was technically fair in terms of workload I still couldn't past that. But no, I don't think it's fair even if you do look at it in those terms where childcare is another chore no different to the housework.

Why does he do, because it doesn’t sound like there’s much left to do ?

Cleaning up after dinner is definitely the easy option vs bedtime.

Doesn't he want a relationship with his children??

Did he even want children?

Parenting can feel relentless and at times is exhausting but it’s not all hard graft with no upside. If her partner hardly ever interacts with the children then he is missing all the wonderful moments.

does he lack the confidence to be left with the children or did he just not really want to be a parent but went along with it for her sake?

@PoppyFleur I know initially he didn’t want kids, but he’s friends with my husband and we talked about it and my DH said he didn’t want kids either, before he had them, now he loves it.

I think he also felt family pressure to have a family. My friend would have left him if he didn’t want a family well before they got engaged or married.

What is the ‘everything else’ if she is doing meals and shopping ? Hoover, washing and cleaning kitchen that’s nothing in comparison especially if she is also working.

your poor friend must be exhausted and she should set boundaries and expectations or leave before it damages the kids when they grow up And realise their dad has no interest in them

Just to add, the DH does hoover, and does laundry and cook dinners. But these are probably things he would do anyway. He also does most of the housework.

She does the grocery shop, the dust and clean of the house ( has the help of a cleaner once a fortnight), but beyond that he does take care of the rest.

She cooks dinner for the toddler, because the toddler wants to eat way earlier usually than her husband does. Newborn is obviously on booby milk.

She does bed, bath, and milk, settles them
and wakes up at night or early mornings. Unless their daughter wakes at a reasonable hour which she never does, always wakes between 5am - 6am, DH will do breakfast if its 7am, but not before. Before 7am its her domain.

So atm at least she's at home all of the time if she has a newborn? So inevitably the majority of the childcare was going to fall to her?
Was the agreement that they'd have children and this responsibility would fall to her? I know some who agree to this in principle before birth and then have a huge issue when it's being followed through.
If he cooks then surely they could take out the child's portion for the next day instead?
Tbh, if the situation was so dire, why did she opt to have a second child so soon after the first?

So she does all the childcare, all the shopping half the cooking and all the cleaning that isn't done by a cleaner?

He does the laundry, half the cooking and hoovers.

That is laughably unbalanced. People who love their partner do not act like this.

Yes for now, she just went on mat leave but it was the same arrangement before the newborn came along, she just has the extra child now.

It doesn't matter if we think its fair.

Your friend sounds really unhappy. And exhausted. Its jot a healthy relationship if one person is struggling that much and the other person refuses to consider changing anything.

It will be really bad for your friends kids to grow up in a household where their dad does literally nothing directly for them other than cook their breakfast occasionally if they sleep in late.

I don't disagree that he isn't doing his share... However he doesn't sound like the type that is going to be interested in having them every other weekend in a custody arrangement.

But also...looking after a newborn is pretty much a full time job. Usually the other parent does everything toddler / older sibling related

Does she have anywhere else she could go with the newborn and force him to parent his older child for a short time? (I dont think she will because she would probably worry about the effect on the older child).

He sounds like a complete dick. Obviously it's hard to anticipate what it's actually like having kids and you can't understand the relenetlessness of it and the drudgery and the frustration til you've actually done it. But most people know their kids will have to be picked up and dropped off from childcare, plus other basics, so manage to factor these into their lives.

no it’s unfair. There are many fathers that don’t do Jack around the house (and wives may or may not be ok with this), but you can not be a good father and do literally nothing with your kids. Even if a married couple lives like it’s 1920 and the wife does all the housework while he works he still has to make some time for his kids or he’s just a shit father. Tidying up isn’t some trade off that cancels that out.