To just feel so disappointed by people?

[pinksunsets]

I've always been the listener and have been happy to be supportive and help my friends when they have problems. I feel like I've listened to some friends talking about the same problems over and over again for years! But when it comes to listening to my problems I might get one good chat about it (if that) and then the next time I bring it up, I've had one friend take out her phone to look at it while I'm talking and another one told me you need to stop dwelling on it, let's change the subject!

I'm not one of those people that go on and on about their problems, if anything I've always been too reserved. It's just so disappointing that I'm always so engaged when I listen to other people's problem and yet I hardly ever get the same in return. Yet, I will see those same friends sit there and listen attentively while someone else monologues at them. Are most people just v self involved? As an introvert who WFH I always look forward to seeing my friends as I think I need the human contact but lately it's just made me feel more alone. Anyone else feel disappointed by their friends?

Utterly. I'm really fed up with a group of friends - we met up recently and the same two people monopolised the conversation. Something fairly major in my life came up in a WhatsApp conversation after this meetup that I had mentioned when we met up, and one of the monopolisers was completely unaware as she clearly has paid no attention whatsoever to anything I said when we'd met up.

I've really distanced myself since. Just quite bored with the self involvement really.

This is why I'm not that keen on group meet ups anymore, @onemouseplace. I always find it's one or two monopolisers who take over the conversation and everyone else is relegated to asking them questions and listening to them like they're in a press conference!

They are seeing you as a free therapist.
You need better friends.

You're becoming wise and seeing these people for who they really are, and you're also realising that you've been a doormat for these people for far too long.

Cut them out, every single one. If they aren't a friend to you, you aren't a friend to them.

Same here
I also remember important dates and things going on and always message friends individually to ask how they got on at appointments funerals etc yet whenever I've had stuff going on and they've known full well when etc I get nothing

Very often. I try to be upbeat and friendly, say hello and ask people how they are. On a bit of a downer last week, I decided at work not to bother for a couple of days and just keep myself to myself. Not one person asked me how I was. I smiled at a colleague today and was asked why I was smiling.

I don’t plan on changing the way I am because the alternatives are dull. But it gets frustrating. I’m actually rubbish at talking about myself, anyway. It makes me feel awkward. A lot of folk are very self involved and keen to talk at rather than to others. I sometimes overhear healthy two way or group conversations between people and wish I could have those kinds of conversations. Or I’ll watch an old film and notice interesting and vibrant exchanges between people. I do think that the art of conversation is in decline.

I just keep myself happy with my children, cats, books and hobbies.

But you’ve connived at this, OP. You’ve placed yourself in the silent, supportive listening/‘service’ position in your relationships the overwhelming majority of the time, and you think you’re ‘owed’ equivalent airtime, and are disappointed you don’t get the attention you’ve ‘earned’. It just doesn’t work like that. You accustom the people around you to you as listener, rather than you as the person with an active life, your own problems, thereby rendering yourself semi-invisible.

I agree with this.

Mumsnet has an odd view that friendships are transactional and you should get out exactly what you put in. But friendships don’t work that way - you can’t make them exactly reciprocal. As long as you’re enjoying the overall relationship that’s all that matters, not the minutiae of how many minutes they listened to your woes for.

If friends don’t support you, think of you or act in a “friendly manner” then they aren’t a friend. Just because you usually sit back and listen doesn’t mean you don’t have something useful or interesting to say and it doesn’t mean that you should be silent.

I would stop meeting up with the group and single out one or two for small get togethers. I’d bin off the ones who aren’t interested. Would they even notice or care anyway???

I get you OP. I am always having to listen to people’s problems, do them favours, initiate nights out, remember birthdays and get very little back. Yes ok relationships aren’t transactional but they shouldn’t be too one sided either. It can often feel quite lonely when no-one gives a shiny shit how you are. People generally do see others in terms of what they can do for them, real friendship is very rare. Even when you think you’ve found it, something will happen like your kids have an argument with theirs or you get something they don’t and they turn on you.

I like listening to peoples problems, and luckily I have DH to listen to mine.

It may just be that your friends are not very good listeners. Most people aren't, even if they try.

Me too