To wish my partners family would call him HIS NAME!

[smurfgirl]

DF was christened J.B but his parents always called him B and always intended to - they did not use it as his first name because they did not like the initial B.J!

B is an name unusal outside Wales (we are not welsh and live in Yorkshire), people often mishear it and spell it wrong and DF hated it so when he came to uni in 2002 he decided to start calling himself J.

I have only ever known him as J and so of course only call him that.

He has asked his parents repeatedly to call him J but they refuse, nobody in his family (including his brother!) has made any effort to call him J even though he has made it very clear that he is J now.

Now his mum has complained that we have called him J in our wedding 'save the date' cards and called him J in a big e-mail we sent some people about some wedding stuff.

And he his brother's bestman in August and he asked his brother to refer to him as J.B (as a compromise) on their wedding stuff and on the day and his brother has refused!

AIBU should his family make some effort to use a name that they gave him and he much prefers as opposed to a name he has not used in over 5 years now! And not tell him off for wanting that name!

My Dad had that with his family (hates his middle name, but it is still used by his whole extended family and he is in his 60s). However, my mother and all of his friends have always called him his first name and so it has been less of an issue since he doesn't live anywhere near the family and hasn't done in a very long time. When I was a child I once told my grandmother about my dad's feelings on this matter (quite innocently - thought I was just being helpful)and she was very hurt that he felt that way - he was named after his father who died and they used the middle name for my dad to distinguish them from each other. Unless your interaction with the inlaws is likely to be REALLY frequent I think your dp may need to just grow a thicker skin about it.

By tribpot there is a difference between finding it hard to remember to use a different name and simply refusing to do so. It is totally disrespectful of their son's/brother's wishes.

my brother is called something by us, the family and another name short version by his mates girlfriends colleagues
it has never bothered him
or us
or them

But the family gave him the name J too! We were careful with DD to give her two names that we really liked. If she decided to go by her middle name, that would be fine.
Not that we call her either of her names (unless she's in trouble) - she gets called a selection of silly sentimental nonsense.

AngharadGoldenhand he is using his legal first name J.

i can see your point too comoveneer.

but i gave my children their names and if my children declared they wanted to be called somethng else - i dont think i would

bcuase legal adults they may be - however my children they will always be too.

in fact this arises in my real life all the time

i hae called my eldest boy a name that can be shortened - he likes the shortened version and all him peers call him by this.

had i wanted him to be called the shortened version - i would have christened him so.

i like the longer version - he likes the shorter version

i win

he is 18 years old and legally an adult - but I dont care!

Ah, I feel sorry for the mother, she's always referred to him as B(her little B! ha)
.

Do you think everybody thinks he is trying to disassociate himself from his old life?

They just want things to remain simple BUT the brother is being bloody minded, you need to work on him, tell him how important is is to your BF.

But Custy if he came to you and expressly said he wanted to be now known by the shorten version and aske dyou to do so would you refuse?

Sorry - don't mean to sound so harsh, but I remember agonising over what to call my ds and I would be lying if I said that I wouldn't be hurt if after calling him a name for his whole life until adulthood he told me he really didn't like his name. And even if I tried to honour his preferred name, it would be terribly hard to change the habit of using the name we use.

But Custy, you don't own your children, more so once they are adults. I can't see that's a battle worth fighting tbh.

my sister demanded to be called (at various teenage stages...elvie-jo !, cruella !! and some others)...
it just doesnt happen
you cant change it or very difficult too

had rapper friend i would call by his name as thats who i first knew..he was fine with it

I do dislike his mum I'll be honest and I know that influences me, but its their complete and utter refusal to entertain that he calls himself J.

They can call him what they want - I (and him!) think its annoying but its their choice. But its a piss-take to be annoyed for him chosing to use the name he has used exclusively for the past 5 years on his own stuff about his own wedding!!!

I am moody I think.

Yes, but if he got rid of the other name, it could get more of the point across to his family.

It's a shame it's causing friction, though. My dad grew up calling his twin Bob, though his name was Robert. My aunt called him Rob. No problems.
I call my dh one abbreviation of his name and his parents call him another.

Of course anyone would be hurt if their child announced they wished to be called something other than what you had carefully choosen, but as an adult you should respect their decision and go along with it.

MY BIL is TK. His family (& the rest of us) call him K. He is only ever known as K.

He has a brother 3 years younger than him & he was also called T!! he is known as T though.

My dh has a longer version of his name but his mam always called him a shortened version. When we were getting married she said he had been christened the longer version & it was on his birth certificate etc.. so in our wedding ceremony we had to use the longer version.

I don't get why you care what his family call him.. I quite often shorten dh's shortened name even more... so if it was Joseph, then Joe, I call him J. (It's not Joseph btw)I call him it to his mam, in text messages etc... she's never been too bothered by it!

Agree totally with custy. Is there any harm being called by two names by two sets of people? My Mum and other family members refer to my mainly by one shortened version of my name. My friends and work colleagues and ILs by another shortened version. And some people by the full name. I cope.

Message withdrawn

My dh is A W. His father and grandfather were also A W. GF had one diminutive and father had another. Just to avoid predictability, dh's parents decided to use a Gaelic version of his first name so he is known as this (also A) by everyone except those who only know him "officially", so to speak (HMRC, bank, etc).

When we got married, the minister addressed us by our first names only (i.e. his informal first name and my first name - we both have middle names as well) per our choice. The documents had our full names on (and in dh's case, his "proper" name).

I have sympathy for both sides. An adult can choose to call themselves what they like (more or less) and, within reason (i'm thinking of Princess Consuela Bananahammock, for example) it should be respected even by family who've called him/her something else for years. But to have the name you chose to call your child rejected must be a bit hard, too.

Our dd has a name that has loads and loads of diminutives. We did it partly to allow her to choose what she'll be called (though we picked one diminutive to call her every day) though I don't know how I'll feel if she decides to use another one.

My DS's both have extremely unusual first names and more mainstream but not usually heard middle names.
It was a consious (I know SP) decision when they were born that they could choose to use the middle names themselves later in life if they did not like the distinction of their given first names.

I think it is a lot of fuss about nothing! Why can't 2 lots of people call him 2 different names? My eldest DS has a long name, I chose it, I like it and do not like the shortened form. All his friends call him the shortened form which is fine by me, but I don't think of him as that. (If he hated the long one I might make the effort but he doesn't). My name is long, I introduce myself in the shortened form and most people call me that, I have a very old set of friends who call me the long name and my family use both, but DH always shortened.In a formal situation I would use long.
I have one friend who is known by 3 different names by different people! My mother has a friend who always calls her DH by Y, when she finally got to meet DH, he introduced himself as Z!
It is not easy to change. My SIL has, and I have respected her wishes-it took 10 YEARS to do it naturally!!(and that was with the best will in the world).
One of my brothers had a phase when he was young of being involved with a cult (luckily outgrown)he changed his name to a ridiculous, outlandish name and there was no way any of the family was prepared to use it!He then changed back.
Your DP mother gave him the name, if anything like me after careful thought-YABU to insist that the poor lady has to suit your wishes.
As my mother says -'it doesn't matter what anyone calls you as long as they call you for your dinner'!!!

As the brothers wedding is a family occasion it is probably not the time to push the name change. The family will a know him as B and it is not his day so making a fuss is rude.

At your own wedding he can use any name he likes as it is his day. If he feels really strongly about it he needs to have a serious chat with his parents without you there and explain why the name makes him feel so bad. They will probably be hurt and find it difficult to understand as it must be a name that they love. Try to see both sides and try not to let them think it is your doing.

As he has only changed to the other name they chose then perhaps a quiet talk might help. If I had a DD (which I haven't)I would have probably called her Emily Sarah. The second name would be there in case she wanted to change and I would respect her wishes. There is no way I would shorten a pretty name to Em and if she just wanted to change it to a name I would loathe (like Saffron)then I am sorry but she would have to put up with me taking no notice (unless she had a very valid reason).

The thing is, it's not like his parents didn't call him by this name in the first place. If they wanted him to be known as Bryn, why on earth didn't they put it first in his names? It does seem a bit odd. Although, now I have typed that, I realise that my dad is known as Middlename by all his other family although we only ever call him Firstname and my brother is known as Middlename by all his/my family and has to spend ages explaining that Firstname isn't his name. So, erm, ignore me.

But it is your partner's choice as to what name he is called and nobody else's. He could call himself Zebedee if he wanted and there's nothing anyone else could do about it if he decided to make it legal. Maybe this is the way forward? Threaten to change his name to Zebedee unless they call him by his actual name?