Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To wish my partners family would call him HIS NAME!

48 replies

smurfgirl · 11/01/2008 16:50

DF was christened J.B but his parents always called him B and always intended to - they did not use it as his first name because they did not like the initial B.J!

B is an name unusal outside Wales (we are not welsh and live in Yorkshire), people often mishear it and spell it wrong and DF hated it so when he came to uni in 2002 he decided to start calling himself J.

I have only ever known him as J and so of course only call him that.

He has asked his parents repeatedly to call him J but they refuse, nobody in his family (including his brother!) has made any effort to call him J even though he has made it very clear that he is J now.

Now his mum has complained that we have called him J in our wedding 'save the date' cards and called him J in a big e-mail we sent some people about some wedding stuff.

And he his brother's bestman in August and he asked his brother to refer to him as J.B (as a compromise) on their wedding stuff and on the day and his brother has refused!

AIBU should his family make some effort to use a name that they gave him and he much prefers as opposed to a name he has not used in over 5 years now! And not tell him off for wanting that name!

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 11/01/2008 16:54

They should call him the name he wants to be called. If it were me and I felt strongly i would not answer to the old name if I had changed it - he owns his name.

bet they're 'acting up' cos its the name you and his new life call him and 'they raised him for so and so years and that's what they called him then'.......

Tommy · 11/01/2008 16:57

they should call him what he wants and his brother should not be best man if he's going to behave like that!

I have a friend who calls himself a different name than his family do. His wife has only ever known him by "his" name - they have been married about 25 years - but his family still insist on his original name so your DH may have some time to wait!

TellusMater · 11/01/2008 16:58

Hard to change the name you have called someone for years though I would have thought. We have a similar thing in both my and DH's family. They just go by two names.

Tortington · 11/01/2008 16:59

OH SMURFY c;mon!

when your child grows up

if you had all his life called him a certain name

it was your choice
and your right
as his mother
to do so

then he goes to uni and decides to call himself sommat else

i think as his mother

as i thought of the fucking name

i shoudl be able to call it him if i want to

so if my 18 year old son

comes home tommorrow

and announces he wants to be known by his middle name

i will quite honestly find this disrespectful to my wished and my choices when he was born

and i think i might tell him to fuck right off actually.

Emprexia · 11/01/2008 16:59

YANBU.. however, thats familys for you.

My dads name is R, but he's always used the shortened B version of it.. its even B on all his business cards, and none of his friends call him anything other than B.

His family refuse and say he was christened R and thats what they'll call him. He's learned to put up with it.. your DP may have to as well.

bohemianbint · 11/01/2008 16:59

Ah, DP's family are like this. I've only ever known him as abbreviation of J, but they always pointedly call him J. His Grandmother had the nerve to correct me about 12 hours after I gave birth to his first child, cheeky cow!

TellusMater · 11/01/2008 16:59

Custy .

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 11/01/2008 17:00

I thought this was going to be about a baby.

deenymcqueenygoreandguts · 11/01/2008 17:01

hi smurfy, hows your training going?

Lauriefairycake · 11/01/2008 17:05

I definitely don't agree with Custy - I think children reach a certain age and they get to choose their religion, their name, the way they live their life.

And that we should respect that.

Supposed to be rearing them to be independant hopefully. (even if they never move out)

DontCallMeBaby · 11/01/2008 17:06

His mother is being a little unreasonable, I think - while I can understand how when you're approaching your child's wedding, it would be strange and maybe upsetting if they were doing it in a name other than the one you call them. But it is YOUR wedding, so he gets to call himself whatever he wants. Likewise his brother has every right to call him by the name HE knows him by, for HIS wedding.

You can learn to live with this - I didn't realise for years that the only people who call my uncle E (his middle name) were his own parents, two brothers (inc my dad), and their wives and children. Literally everyone else who knows him calls him D (his first name, also his father's name). Meanwhile my dad is known by his middle name by everyone (except cold callers heh). My other uncle has always been known by his first name, like a normal person - but gave his son the same middle name as my dad, and that is the name he's known by as well! Weird family.

edam · 11/01/2008 17:06

It is very, very hard to get used to calling a close relative by a different name once they are grown up. I managed it because I was seven when I started insisting on my first name. Refused to answer to the nickname. And small children can get away with being very stroppy.

My sister waited until she was a teenager and I'm afraid none of us ever remember. Which is very slack, I know. But the shortened version of her name just trips off my tongue before my brain cuts in and remembers she wants the long version.

It's been going on for 20 years now... so I suspect your dh's case is hopeless, sorry.

Anyway, it's his battle to fight with his family, not yours. So try not to get too wound up about it.

Original poster

smurfgirl · 11/01/2008 17:06

I can live with them calling him B (even though he is trying to be referred to by his first name now!)

Its the shit about the weddings tbh.

Training is not going fabulously tbh.
see here

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 11/01/2008 17:07

I sometimes call my DD by ehr middle name, but then I call her anything that comes to mind at the time.

Anyway, her name is Danniella, we call her Ella, that is what I wanted to call her but her arse of a father got really pathetic about it so she ended up being called Ella, however I really dislike the name Danni for a girl so if she ever decides to call herself it, I shall ignore it.

I chose the name, I shall use it as I see fit.

ComeOVeneer · 11/01/2008 17:07

I see your point CUsty, but (a) it is actually his recognised name and (b) it is down rhight disr4espectful to ignore a grown persons wishes as to what they are refered to.

VictorianSqualor · 11/01/2008 17:08

beign called Danniella*

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 11/01/2008 17:08

You will have to marry JB. You realise that, don't you? It won't be do you take BJ.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 11/01/2008 17:09

Mmm, sounds a bit patronising. Didn't mean too.

TellusMater · 11/01/2008 17:09

I just think it would be incredibly hard to call my DC anything but the names with which they have grown up. They have spent 18 years calling him one thing. I'd never remember for a start.

Can't he just use both names?

AngharadGoldenhand · 11/01/2008 17:09

smurfgirl - he could always change his name by deed poll.

Hecate · 11/01/2008 17:11

I think you are just going to have to go for the broken record technique.

Just do everything in his chosen name and ignore them. Correct them every single time they use the wrong name. Just one sentence, "I use my first name now, please call me J" repeat, repeat, repeat....

Sign cards to them with that name, do everything with that name and don't enter into a debate with them about it!

ComeOVeneer · 11/01/2008 17:11

But he doesn't need to change his name it is his actual name.

chipmonkey · 11/01/2008 17:12

Not the same thing but my cousin was known all his life as one name but after going to a Gaelscoil ( school where Irish is spoken exclusively) he started calling himself by the Irish version of the name. It is difficult to remember but we do all make the effort to call him by the name he prefers.

tribpot · 11/01/2008 17:13

My step-sister is similar to this in that her name is K E so everyone who's known her since she was little calls her K. When her mum and dad divorced, the mum just randomly decided to call her E instead. So everyone who's known her since she was 10 calls her E. (Must make writing her Christmas cards a blinking nightmare, it now occurs to me).

She's never asked us to call her E, partly I suspect as it wasn't really her choice to change her name, just a random whim of her mother's.

I'd find it pretty weird if ds turned 18 and decided to change his name, would find it very difficult to use. I think you should chill out and do as we do, and just live with the fact the person has two names. This applies to his parents as well - if my step-sis sends things out that say E on, we don't go oooh that's terrible, it's her choice.

It's never caused us any confusion; even at my step-sister's wedding the groom's speech and the father-of-the-bride's speech must have called her two different names (can't remember now, was a loooong time ago). Don't think anyone was particularly confused.

Original poster

smurfgirl · 11/01/2008 17:14

He doesn't want to be B at all anymore though, he wanted to change it when he was younger apparently (but then I wanted to be called all sorts when I was younger and I am still Helen so who knows how serious he was!!) but was not allowed.

The save the dates actually were supposed to be J.B but he asked it to just be J.

The e-mail was a very casual, We have sorted x out here is the number, J will e-mail you at easter about some more info. His mum replies saying nobody would know who it was from and why can't he just use Bryn.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2