"Why don't/can't you just..."

[HangingOver]

I am prepared to hear that IABU as:

a) I hear this expression all the time and
b) I've never heard of anyone else be irritated by it!

...but, AIBU to find the expression 'Why can't you/we just...' a bit patronising? There's a guy at work that says this ALL this time, often in relation to things he doesn't know much about.

In fact, now I think of it, more often than not, when I hear this expression, the speaker is usually suggesting an overly simple solution to a problem, which I've already thought of and discounted/taken into account.

And even if the person has a point that's not been thought of... I think I usually would say something like, "Ah ok, so the system doesn't allow us to do X. That's a shame".

Or am I just being prickly?

This really irritates me too as it seem like disrespect for my decision or situation.
Two examples which annoyed me that I can think of.

My dear 90 year old gran had an exemption from wearing a mask as she has breathing problems caused by her heart condition. And people would say 'couldn't she try/can't you just (insert solution)'. NO! Exemption is exemption, and it's causing her enough stress as it is.

I was recently in the garage having my car mirror put back on after some charming sod yanked it off overnight in the car park. Someone via WhatsApp asked if I could email them a document, and I said I can't atm but I can in 1 hour when I will be home. 'Can't you just do it on the phone?' I HAVE SAID I CAN'T SO RESPECT THAT!

I think it really depends on the context, but I know what you mean about people suggesting massively over-simplified solutions to problems they know nothing about. It's incredibly annoying and patronising. I really have to bite my tongue sometimes to avoid replying, 'Do you seriously think that, if the solution really was THAT FUCKING SIMPLE, we wouldn't have fixed this already?'

Do you seriously think that, if the solution really was THAT FUCKING SIMPLE, we wouldn't have fixed this already

Preeeeeeeeach!!!

Sometimes people (including me) don't think of obvious solutions or forget easy workarounds in the heat of the moment. But I think there's definitely a sort of person who suggests that kind of thing a lot, usually someone who thinks there's a bright spark. "Oh thanks Geoff we'd never have thought of refilling the printer with paper, thank goodness you're here" <Paddington stare> is the way to deal.

I try to use the hopefully less annoying "I'm sure there's a good reason we can't just...." which allows the person to remind me what that is.

I’d never thought of it like that, but yes! People “suggesting overly simple solutions” ! Yes! I work in a laaaaaarge organisation and often hear people voicing opinions on other areas of the business… “why can’t they…” “they should…” with overly simplistic views on stuff, but I never get into it. Smile and nod. Internally, it’s like nails on a chalk board.

The irritating bit for me is the 'just'. The implication is that what they are suggesting is easy/obvious. I find this is usually said when either:
a) The person suggesting it has no real idea about the problem but is so arrogant that they think they'll tell you how to deal with it anyway; or
b) The person is trying to make their proposed solution sound quick and easy when it is not something they are prepared to do and/or would take ages. Eg (from a colleague on the same grade as me, both wfh, he lives 5 miles away) 'I don't like looking at documents on-screen, can't you just print me copies and pop them through my door.'

I think a good faith query of "why can't you...?" Is sometimes acceptable. On MN for example there are often blindingly obvious solutions and the OP has a very good reason for not taking them that they think is obvious but have omitted to mention. Asking the question gives you a more rounded view.

And sometimes the reason for ignoring the obvious solution is a bad one and needs challenging "DH can't look after the baby while I do X because he is a chef with a very refined sense of smell and can't change nappies".
"We can't update your records to say that you are Dr not Mrs because we'd need to get a new hole punch for the cards to change the computer programme".

But in general I can see why it's often annoying.

Do you seriously think that, if the solution really was THAT FUCKING SIMPLE, we wouldn't have fixed this already

OMG, this!!

I get this a lot in regard to my sleep issues. I suffer from delayed sleep phase disorder. I was born with it, and it means I'm virtually incapable of falling asleep until 1 a.m. at the very earliest. Usually closer to 5 or 6. I'm hard-wired that way. Nothing changes this apart from medication, and I obviously can't be on sleeping pills long-term. I've had to learn to live with it/shape my life around it as best I can, and it's not easy.

Yet it's amazing how many people - and people who have little to no trouble sleeping, at that - have had the solutions all along!

'Can't you just get up earlier?'
'Can't you just go to bed earlier?'
'Can't you just tire yourself out more?'
'Can't you just have a warm milky drink at bedtime?'
'Can't you just take sleeping pills?'

etc. etc. etc.

On one level I appreciate that people may be trying to help, but the 'suggestions' are often delivered in such a patronising way that it's difficult to be appreciative of them. And when they're couched as 'Can't you just...?' they're particularly irritating because it's more or less a guarantee that the person doesn't know WTF they are talking about.

The irritating bit for me is the 'just'. The implication is that what they are suggesting is easy/obvious.

Yep. Exactly this.

Ugh! my xh uses this all the time along with;
"what I think you should do is.."
"If I was you I'd..."
"Why don't you do it this way?"
and my absolute favourite "Why are you doing it like that?" 😤

Ahhh I've found my people. PILs do this on the regular. Gives me the rage. MIL thinks she's Jeremy Paxman and repeats the same stupid suggestion about four times before she'll move on because she never actually listens to the answer and likes to ask it in front of as many different people as possible for some bizarre attention-seeking reason.

I agree, it’s the wording. It’s perfectly valid for someone to want to understand why the simpler approach doesn’t work, but with that wording it’s implying no one has thought of it.
They just need to say, ‘so, being new to this, talk me through the barriers to doing it the simple way’? or whatever is appropriate.

Meh.

Lots of people are naturally 'fixers' by nature. Its also human nature to try to be helpful

Yep, and the task that someone is asking “can’t you just…” is usually incredibly complicated and hard work. It really annoys me.
I used to explain why I couldn’t “just …”, recently I’ve found that “no” is quicker and quite satisfying!

My favourite was when DS2 was a baby. He was very unsettled and didn't sleep well. People would say 'can't you just put him down in his cot to go to sleep?' As if I hadn't though of that and was pacing the floor with him for fun!

My ex once said "why can't you just do as you're told?!" Hence, he's an ex.

Nailed it. There's actually two parts to the ignorance and arrogance of the people (often men.......) who say can't you just. They're doubly annoying!

I'm a lawyer and I know we're generally a hated bunch but we get this a LOT from clients too who don't understand why the fees go up. Because it's actually really complex and we're trying to protect you in the event things go wrong! So what you think is a really simple change involves a lot of legal work in background....and that takes time and therefore incurs fees.

Anybody that starts the sentence with 'SURELY' you can just...

I immediately decide that they are stupid people that cannot see past their own nose. Also incapable of imagining a life that isn't exactly as it is in their own wonderful bubble. Makes me so cross.

'SURELY' you can just

Said colleague does this too on the reg. About things to do with websites that he has no notion of how they actually work.

Depends on the situation.
If I, for eg, go to my manager with a problem, they are fine to check I haven't already done the very basic troubleshooting.
If I've already said I have, or explained why I haven't, then it's annoying.

Sometimes people don't think of the obvious solution though. I had an issue at work with one system showing an order as shipped and the other showing as pending on system 1. System 1 would not let us touch it as it was closed and shipped.

Quite a while later as the admin lady and I tried various ways to reopen an invoice one of our new apprentices very timidly asked why we couldn't just use system 3, a very old and all but defunct feeder system to make the changes as, being ancient, it still allowed manual changes to be made, albeit with a lot of fuckarsing about.

This suggestion was met with deafening silence.

Because we could do it that way but system 3 had been defunct and pretty much unused for years and we had forgotten it even existed.

The apprentice knew about it as it was mentioned in her training folder and she had never had the trauma of making a mistake in it and having it fed down to all the other systems.

So actually her solution was the easiest way (never thought I'd say the damn thing was the easiest way to do anything) we just hadn't even considered it.

For me, if the obvious solution isn't an option, then the reason it wouldn't workis usually helpful to know when coming up with an alternative. I think it does depend on the person and the tone in most cases.

I probably do this a lot at work, but I work with a lot of people who seem to prefer taking the longest route possible to a solution which doesn't solve the question rather than finding the actual solution.

I've partially given up asking for help. I can ask for help on problem a and get told an answer to solve non-problem b. Or get told that something else is more important when it isnt.

They don't seem able to think of the simple solution ever. Kind of wonder if its because they are men and everything must be complicated.

The alternative to not asking this though is people being too scared to annoy others in a meeting and not question things that seem overly complicated because they think 'oh someone must have already thought of that'. And they won't fully understand the process or the intricacies of what's being discussed. Things change, and some companies do do things in inefficient ways because 'they've always done it that way' even though they don't have to any more...sometimes its healthy to be question things.

I hear you.

I have a friend who is a) childless and b) doesn't have conventional work (she has project based jobs which last 2-4 months and then is off for another 2 months). I'm a single mum working FT. She gets arsy with me because I can't drop everything at two minutes notice to go out with her.

Can't you just use a babysitter?
Can't your boyfriend look after her?
Can't you reschedule your call?
Surely your work wouldn't expect you to be on call all evening?
Surely [DD] can make her own dinner?

Total lack of awareness of how other people's lives have limitations she can't relate to. I find it maddening.