Not Seeing Eye to Eye With Husband’s Disciplining of 2 Year Old DD

[CrazyCatLadyWantsADog]

I’m getting increasingly upset by my husband’s style of parenting. I understand toddlers need boundaries and need to know when they can and can’t do something; but to my mind, shouting at your two year old to “stop being silly” when she’s tired and doesn’t want to do her teeth before bedtime, is not ok. He gets angry and impatient with DD very easily and very quickly, and it often shocks me just how angry he can get. He is not a violent man, nor is he unreasonable; and often recognises his own impatience and asks me to step in; but last night he removed DD from my arms when she was crying and made her sit on the bathroom floor to do her teeth, shouting “stop being silly”. When this sort of thing happens, my immediate feeling is one of anger towards him and I often think to myself, “you’re one step closer to a divorce if you carry on like this”- but AIBU? When I call him out on it, he tells me I’m too soft and my parenting style doesn’t teach DD boundaries. She’s TWO!! She is a bright, happy, talkative, sociable, cheeky little girl who can sometimes be a naughty, but that’s every toddler right? I tell her no, I find ways to distract from tantrums, I explain things and ask her to listen, clearly and calmly, but I never resort to shouting, or telling her off in such an aggressive way. I’m aware that I carry guilt from having had terrible PPD for the first three months of her life, but I don’t think I’m a bad parent. Am I in the wrong? AIBU to think his behaviour is a problem?

Of course YANBU.

You don't 'discipline' a two year old, you guide/ distract them.

I wonder if he'd be up for some parenting classes? You could go together so the onus isn't on him, say you want to learn more and will he go with you, etc.

It's hard to tell from your post whether he'd respond to some gentle guidance or whether he is generally unreasonable.

He's being a dick, parent her your own way and don't let him bully you with his supposedly superior parenting powers

Yanbu. Look into behaviour guidance and parenting classes, etc. If he won’t go with you, do it yourself. It will help you have more confidence dealing with your dh and responding to him.

Have parenting discussions/disagreements away from your dd. Try not to undermine each other in front of her.

Goodluck.

Oh, gosh that's really sad.

Please don't let him do that to her, she's a baby. I would be seriously put off a man who treated our baby like that.

We have a 2 year old and I would be upset if that’s my DH. What you say becomes their inner voice so I don’t like saying they are stupid/ silly etc

agree with other PO it’s about distraction and giving them choices. Apps on your phone to brush teeth work well at this age and questions like do you want mummy or daddy to brush your teeth. They then feel in control but doing what you want.

Divorce is a bit extreme unless there’s other issues. I would he be open to a chat and feedback?

last night he removed DD from my arms when she was crying and made her sit on the bathroom floor to do her teeth, shouting “stop being silly”.

I think you need to have a conversation about him respecting your parenting style. He doesn't get to be a dictator.

I strongly recommend going to a parenting class together. Tell him your parenting styles don't match and you'd like to get some advice on a compromise.

It's not good because you need to be on the same page. He's far too strict but it's hard to say if you're being too soft as we don't know how you're supporting her behaviour too. You can still be reasonably firm and matter of fact without shouting though.

Mine were silly about teeth brushing sometimes. Why not get her do it in the bath, or put a tooth brushing app on the phone or some music on as a timer or something...? One less battle.

But if he's being like this about a lot of things then you need a big sit down and discuss how you're going to move forward as this will be a very confused 2 year old who will potentially play up Mummy and be scared of Daddy in the future.

Yes his behaviour is a problem. She's 2 - she's just a baby! I would be very upset to see my baby's own dad treat her like that.

There’s a toddler taming book out there, which was good years ago, men are idiots in my experience, read the book, and quote bits at him.

He’s being unreasonable by shouting at her and getting angry with her, which will only a scare her. But when you say your child is a but naughty but what two year old isn’t, there’s a lot of scope in that. Children need boundaries and if you are using distraction to avoid putting boundaries in place, you might find yourself storing up problems for the future.

How does DH feel about the shouting after he’s done it? If he’s willing to learn there is parenting advice in a variety of formats depending on how he prefers. Insta gram accounts (Big Little Feelings), books (How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen) and podcasts (Unruffled) which cover gentler parenting if he is willing to learn.

A difference of approach is one thing, and clearly needs serious discussion. But it’s possible that discussion would be positive and fruitful.

Just taking her from your arms to enforce his approach? The fuck would I let him get away with that! That’s bullying you the same way he appears to want to bully you.

Normal is to wait until she’s in bed and say, “I wish you’d put her down to do her teeth instead of rewarding her playing up with cuddles - can we talk about it?”

Not just over ruling you and taking her from your arms. What an arsehole.

but last night he removed DD from my arms when she was crying and made her sit on the bathroom floor to do her teeth, shouting “stop being silly”

Your poor daughter, she must've been so scared and upset. I absolutely could not be with a man that behaves like that towards my child.

my immediate feeling is one of anger towards him and I often think to myself, “you’re one step closer to a divorce if you carry on like this”- but AIBU?

YANBU.
Leave him, he's damaging your daughter. She's the one that is paying the price of you staying in this marriage and it would affect her for life.

I would be quite concerned about what he does when you are not there as his behaviour and anger towards your daughter when you are there is worrying.

I wouldn’t let my husband take our dog out my arms in anger never mind a two year old! So his approach was lift her in an angry manner from your arms. Plonk her on the bathroom floor and demand she brushes her teeth? I wouldn’t tolerate that kind of behaviour. I’m assuming that just made her more upset or miraculously did your two year old see the error of her ways and start brushing her teeth? Unlikely.

You say he is not unreasonable. I beg to differ.

All positives with children, let's brush your teeth rather than stop being silly. She doesn't know what silly is at 2.

This may sound dramatic but what do you think a divorce would do to change his behaviour toward his child? Fuck all. That is why as adults you discuss your differing parenting styles and work a way to come together in agreement.

Recognise his frustration but help him to understand this is completely normal behaviour from a 2 year old. Is he around any other 2 year olds? Ever been to soft play or a children's party?

Basically this boils down to his expectation that she will compliantly brush her teeth and go to bed. Why was he there anyway? He knows he gets frustrated so why would he involve himself in that? You need to talk to him when she is in bed. If it means a parenting class or reading a guide on toddlers then that is what you should do.

Your husband is an idiot. I expect he was parented similarly. Sort it out, your poor daughter.