AIBU to ask how best to help 11 yr old DS with being dissed by a good friend?

[Relentlessrelentlessrelentless]

Namechanged for this as it would be outing, for various reasons.

11 yr DS has been good friends with a boy for a couple of years. Recently, for now reason DS knows, boy has turned attention away and towards someone else. DS moves between being ok to being hurt/upset. He has other friends, but none with this closeness. Not so long ago they were looking forward to going to secondary together.

It's hard to see it - you just want them to be happy, and not have friendship issues. I get anxious over it, I can feel it in my chest. Worried he'll end up alone, worried he'll go to secondary without any good friends in tow.

But my approach is just to offer empathy and advice to just be himself and it will all pass - but I have NO idea if I'm doing enough or handling it right? I guess some reassurance

It's a tough age. Some kids think that going up to secondary makes them suddenly so amazing and mature and they have no time for their old friends (see me: started secondary and was abandoned by all primary school friends).

It could be that, it could just be this other friend shares a different interest with the friend and it's the novelty factor until it's chilled out a bit.

I wouldn't try to worry too much, keep being there for your DS and encourage his other friendships. It's one of those life lessons that not every friendship is for life and that's ok.

Thanks - it is a tough age, I agree

It is really hard, for both you and your DS, do deal with that rejection. It’s an important life lesson though.

I’ve advised mine that the answer is never to chase and that he should focus on friendships with children who want to be friends on an equal basis.

@Relentlessrelentlessrelentless it's hard to see your child sad and questioning why a friendship has grown apart. However, friendships do & it's time to model resilience. How many of your close friends now were you close friends with when you were 10? Let you DS know that it can be hurtful, but not all friendships are for life. Try and help him build his friendships with the other people he likes at school, maybe arrange something at the weekend with them so he has something to look forward to.

Yes, you're right. Thanks

Sounds to me like you’re doing a good job. Focus on your son, not on the other boy. Try not to feel anxious about secondary school - it’s a time of new beginnings and some friendships will fade but he’ll make new ones. Keep encouraging him and supporting him and don’t let any anxiety show - remind yourself you can’t control this so worrying is wasted emotional stress - though I realise easier said than done.

Having a group of friends is much healthier for children than a bestie.
When your best friend is ill, then suddenly you are alone.
Encourage the wider circle.

Thanks for all your lovely thoughts

Agree you are doing great. It is also worth remembering that children mature at different rates. One of mine was left behind by a boy that just grew up quicker. Agree with pp it is important to help him understand that friendships change. Only one of mine has kept her primary school friendship and that is because they went to different seniors, all the rest found new friends by year 8 of senior. (Year 7 was a roller coaster)

Thank you all

It's so hard! He came back from school and was so wistful and sad, not really understanding what's he done, why this other kid has chosen two other new friends. I felt really sad for him.

Is he in Y6? He will meet lots of new friends at high school! They could have ended up in different forms anyway!

Yes, year 6. I know, you're right. I don't know why I feel so affected.

I have learnt through bitter experience with my DS to be a shoulder to cry on but ultimately they have to negative these friendship issues on their own.

My DS has a similar issue in Yr 7 but has made a nice group of friends in the last few months and although he is still good mates with his 'bestie' from primary school their friendship waxes and wanes.

As someone else posted, advise him not to chase the friendship.

Thanks, sorry to hear experience was bitter, but thank you for that helpful advice

It may be that the other boy wants to re-invent himself at secondary and is choosing to distance himself from your DS. It might be worth explaining to your DS that he’s done nothing wrong, friendships ebb and flow and he’ll make new friends in the coming months. As PPs have said, friendships should be on an equal footing.