WIBU to cancel my birthday trip because I can’t leave DS

[Ohtheaudacity]

It’s my birthday in July and my parents have very kindly bought me and my partner tickets for Adele in London. For context they were really bloody expensive tickets. They’ve also paid for a hotel, lovely dinner and our train tickets. I’m very grateful but this has all been sprung on me as a surprised and I just don’t feel ready to leave my baby. He will be 13 months old. He’s had a tricky time as a baby and been in and out of hospital, but is currently healthy. He still breastfeeds at night and sleeps in the spare room with me still. I don’t want to be ungrateful and waste all their money but I really don’t want to go. Leaving him over night gives me flashbacks to when he was in PICU on life support and I had to leave him. I’d kiss him on the head and whisper I loved him and pray I wouldn’t get a phone call in the night rushing me back there. I’m upset just thinking about it. I have to just suck it up don’t I? I can’t let everyone down.

Are you close enough to London to come home the same night?

Oh op. I completely understand. I had a very similar experience to you and haven't spent any nights away from my ds till he was 4yo. You won't enjoy yourself worrying yourself sick. Can you go for the concert only? Or maybe book a room for your parents and ds in same hotel?

Can whoever is looking after him stay in the hotel
in london for the night?

Do you go out and leave him with your husband or parents now? For dinner/haircuts/whatever.

I'm wondering if you might think about a few short dry runs (just little trips or evenings out) to see how that works out.

You aren’t being unreasonable OP. I didn’t want to leave mine at that age, without any of the added worry and stress of hospital stays.

It’s up to you when you’re ready to leave him overnight. They really should have asked you first. I’d make it clear I was grateful but just wasn’t ready to leave him overnight yet. None of my 3 have been away from me overnight, unless DH was with them, and the eldest is nearly 5, she doesn’t want to stay anywhere without us.

You'll get people telling you to (wo)man up and do it but only you know if you'll be able to relax enough to enjoy it. It's understandable that you feel like this given the last year you've had.

I've only recently felt comfortable leaving my 15mo in the evening since they started sleeping better in the evening and accepting my dog.

Could you get a second hotel room for you parents to look after him in for the evening and then you have him overnight?

Could you get a second hotel room for you parents to look after him in for the evening and then you have him overnight?

This is what I'd do.

I'd also maybe seek therapy for your anxiety, not that I don't think it's normal not to want to leave a child, but for your own sake to help you process what happened.

Take him and your parents with you - they can stay in the room next door.

I've been where you are re PICU and I think if he's healthy and there's no obvious reason ntbat won't stay that way, that it will be good for you to push that boundary of leaving him, slowly. However, if he's still breastfeeding at night and cosleeping with you, even if you were champing at the bit to go, how would that work?

Its worth trying an overnight with whoever will be having him fairly soon I think, at their house and see what happens. Will he even sleep without you?

Is them coming to London and having him until you get back an option? Then them taking him before breakfast so you can have a longer sleep and hotel sex?

Mines 7 now, hospitalizations stopped by 18 months and I'll happily leave him now 😂 but he was poorly last weekend I went away and by the Sunday I was def "van this be over already?" so I'm not sure it ever fully goes away but it's worth working on so it doesn't inhibit both of you

Thanks so much for all the kind responses. I could ask but I know they wouldn’t be up for a hotel room. We live about 1.5 hours from London so I suppose they could put him to bed at our house and then wait up until we’re home, would that be cheeky? Then we’d only lose out on the hotel and I’d gladly pay them back for that. My (kind and well meaning) friends say I have to just bite the bullet and get on with it but it comes down to the fact I simply don’t want to. I’m ok leaving him in the day, I’ve been out for a few hours here and there. But night time seems to be a real trigger for me that I can’t get past (can you tell I’m in therapy for PTSD, haha!)

@SleepingStandingUp thank you for sharing and I’m so glad to hear your son is fit and healthy! He sleeps in his cot in the room with me and only wakes once a night to feed, so I do think he could go without it. He really isn’t as attached to me as I am to him 😂 hotel sex is how he got here in the first place so I’ll be glad to skip that!!

Clearly your patents want a new one 😂😂😂

I'd also maybe seek therapy for your anxiety, not that I don't think it's normal not to want to leave a child, but for your own sake to help you process what happened
And for the sake of your DC.

Please remember you do not have to do things other people want you to do .
Its kind of them , generous, but perhaps consulting you would have been better.
You do what works for you. If you don’t want to go , I’d say so soon, so they can get some refunds.
They may not be that surprised. People pleasing shouldn’t be necessary with family, especially on your birthday.
Hope whatever you decide goes ok , and I think it will. Hugs .