Who’s wrong here

[Bubblewine]

Dc has spellings to learn each night. Has been struggling with one particular word all week.

parent A was helping with these tonight. DC asked to check his spellings first to see where he’d gone wrong. Parent A said no. They were going straight in.

Parent B thinks Dc should be allowed to review the words before giving it a go & asks to speak to parent A in the other room.

Parent A says a flat no & wont even entertain the idea of a discussion. Shuts parent B down completely so that DC can get on with spellings. We are pushed for time.

DC completes the spellings.

Parents A & B then “discuss” why they couldn’t discuss it earlier.

Parent A felt child was in the zone & didn’t want to delay the spellings. Also felt that it would help DC’s confidence to get the word right.

Parent B felt that this wasn’t the right approach & DC needed the confidence in looking over the word he’s got wrong all week & having another go. They are also upset with the flat way that A refused to let B have a minute to talk it over.

A feels that this was ok as Dc was in the zone.

is anyone being unreasonable? If so, who?

Parent b sounds annoying and patronising, as though they can't accept any way that isn't their way

So basically what's happened now is that dc will be thinking that they caused the argument, and it is their fault because they kept getting their spellings wrong.

A and B have made spelling homework a massive important big deal.

Well done, both of you.

B is micromanaging and it has to be done their way.

Is everything ok? This doesn't sound much like a happy home tonight.

Both of you are wrong. Learning spellings every night is entirely pointless and no piece of primary school homework deserves to get this amount of over-attention.

DC deserves a medal for completing the spellings while their parents are arguing around them.

I applaud going into the other room. Argue in private, present a united front to DC.
I think that's good parenting.

However, I agree you need to unclench, agree this is wrong hill to die on, agree that is A is doing the hw with the child then the other parent should but out.
Bur, I also think B was right. Think about it less about passing a spelling test and more as a learning journey. Giving the child autonomy, the opportunity to correct themselves, learn from their mistakes wins every time.

Bloody hell. DC becomes an expert speller but filled with anxiety about the constant 'can I have a word in the other room please' bickering. Do people really think their kids don't notice that faux smile through gritted or teeth, or that they can't hear through doors? Parent B should let Parent A do it how she pleases if she's the one doing it.

Some of these responses have made me smile.

yes-we both need our heads knocking together, a good sleep & to unclench.

B has apologised for trying to micromanage & A has apologised for their approach. it’s A’s preferred approach to take a short time out when there are differences of opinion so we can come to an agreement not in front of the dc. B would prefer to just discuss amicably with no drama & decide on a course of action together.

dc HAS to do spellings nightly 🤦‍♀️ He gets held in at break to finish it if it’s not done. Not our choice.

discussion was had post spellings while dc was upstairs with headphones on.

to be honest we rarely argue like this, I think the last few weeks have just got on top of us both. It wasn’t really about the spellings.

some good food for thought on some of this so thank you. I knew you’d all set us straight.

I do think parent A was wrong, and as you pointed out, A has asked that B request to have a word if there's a disagreement, so what was B supposed to do?
A lot of people are saying, let A get on with it, but the way A was doing it strikes me as stressful and "hard".
A sounds really inflexible and defensive.

@Bubblewine hope you get a decent sleep tonight. You both sound a bit frazzled but I reckon no harm done. You both clearly have you DC best interests at heart

It's the kid's homework.
If they want to go over it, they should be allowed to.

A was found homework.
A should be allowed to get on with it without being micromanaged.

B can do homework next time or pick up a discussion about how to parent homework another time.

We do spellings over breakfast! So better received by ds 7!

So, even if A was doing the homework help all wrong. There's just no need to intervene in the moment. Don't intervene unless DP is actually doing something harmful or unsafe. If it's just "oh I reckon my way is better" then tell him at another time. There's two reasons for this. Firstly your DC will pick up on this, be confused or even start to exploit this conflict as a way of avoiding homework altogether. Secondly it's hugely frustrating and undermining for A to be watched and have his efforts nitpicked. How are you not too busy for silly arguments like this? If A is with DC doing something that doesn't require you, wouldn't you be catching up with work/housework/showering/resting? Maybe I'm just projecting because I'm exhausted atm!

He's probably suggested the "have a quiet word" strategy because being undermined in front of dc is even worse.

They are both unreasonable. I feel sorry for the kid who will be at all this garbage over spellings. Too much stress for the kid.

I’d really think about what you are teaching your child re discussions/arguments. It’s important they see these and see the resolution. If you’re always leaving the room or waiting until they have headphones on then they aren’t really learning its normal to argue and normal to find a resolution and move forward.

For the record B isn’t upset about the spellings. B is upset about the way A just said no & refused to discuss it.

As A was the one helping with the spellings, not B, there is no discussion with B required. It's massively OTT to want a 'discussion' over a primary school kid's spellings and to ask someone to step into another room for a conversation about it. Just get the bloody spellings done and move on, instead of acting like one misspelled word is a big deal.

B sounds like they need to back off to be honest. I agree with the PP that said that A asked to discuss things in private as they were sick of being undermined in front of DC.

Jeez. Person B makes me glad I'm single.

Must be excruciating being a child in a householdoke this. They'd probably prefer a quick argument rather than endless discussion.

Micromanaging from B. Annoying.

a) Do spellings in the morning over breakfast when everyone is fresher.

b) One parent do them consistently in a way they feel works without the other butting in.

You are parent B.

A was doing homework with DC, just butt out and leave him to it.

Poor kid.

Nevermind the “is A or B BU” how old is the DC?! If they’re doing spelling every day at home plus during school there’s clearly something not clicking with the teaching method (which is totally normal as everyone’s brain works in different ways). What are circumstances around DC being kept in over break? Every break? Is he not finishing because he’s mucking about or is he taking time over his work and effectively being punished for being conscientious or is s/he struggling and not getting the help they need at school? Missing break regularly because you can’t spell is pretty shit teaching.