Is this post baby hormones or could my mum be more sensitive ?

[isitmeorzzz]

My mum likes to share her experiences in life. I'm sure we all do it.

I've just had a baby and I'm crying quite a lot. My mum is not a crier. She is pretty tough I would say.

She likes to draw comparisons about how difficult her life was when I was a baby / little. She didn't have supportive family/ her husband was a dick ( my dad ).

But apparently she just got on with it.

So very often when I mention that I'm finding something hard, she mentions how much harder she had it. I got pretty upset today when I mentioned that I was struggling on no sleep. I have a baby I'm desperately trying to breastfeed, who never gets full on my milk. So it's constant feeding. I also have a toddler who I'm having mum guilt about. So any moment I have in the day when baby is sleeping, I try to spend with toddler, playing and making her feel safe etc.

I'm doing night feeds etc as I'm on maternity leave and I sleep completely separate to my husband, so I don't wake him. I do use formula at night sometimes, when I just can't feed the baby as I'm just too exhausted. In any case, today I mentioned how I was tired and how I've not had any lien to break at any point since the baby has been born. She immediately said how she also never had a break etc.

She does it a lot. With all sorts of things. It's always about how she managed in a much worse situation and still had perfect, well behaved children and a spotless home at all times. As well as looking spotless herself etc. whenever my older child has a tantrum, she says her children never had tantrums etc. it's constant comparisons that make her look great and make me feel shit.

I blew up today and said she should stop always comparing everything and that just because she was able to do XYZ so well with no help, doesn't mean everyone can.

I basically feel like a weak failure constantly.

Post baby hormones ?

No your Mum sounds like a cow. I'd have lost it before now!! Is she staying with you? Might be time to cut back on the visits

I have had this too Op. It made me feel really vulnerable (maybe silly I know) but it sort of made me feel like I was being dramatic about how hard I found it. I would honestly try to limit the amount I vent to said person and I know it’s hard. But your mental well-being matters. And having no sleep and or broken sleep is absolutely killer. I have never felt an exhaustion like it. Be gentle on yourself Op, it’s ok to struggle.

She completely lost it when I got upset and said how she will never share anything again with me ever and how I never want to listen to anything she says and how she can never share anything. It was pretty horrible. I cried a lot. She just doesn't seem to get where im coming from in any way.

She sounds totally lacking in empathy. I know my mum had a harder time than I did (cos my dad was useless) but she was nothing but supportive when I was upset over our extended hospital stay and breastfeeding problems and never ever minimised what I was going through. It's about time someone called your mum out on it. You deserve support!

My God your mum sounds absolutely awful! If you’re doing it right it’s bloody hard with a toddler and a newborn no matter what she says! You sound like a brilliant mum OP, unlike your own mother who should be showing you empathy and understanding and support.

She definitely tries sometimes. But her comparisons and her always talking about how pristine she kept herself, her house and her kids, just makes me feel rubbish.

I think she thinks I'm so weak. I tried to make her understand today that one day, my daughter might even have a night nanny and a day one too, but if I go to stay with her and she tells me it's hard or that she's struggling- I hope that my first response won't be, ' well I also struggled and I had to get up myself and look after my children and still managed everything '.

I think that's quite a good example. Just because one person finds something easy, doesn't mean another person will. She did not get it at all and was just angry and thought I was taking everything personal.

I don't think you're being too sensitive and I doubt very much you and your siblings never had tantrums😂
In practical terms, I would i. Cut down on time spent with mum and ii. Given you sometimes use formula get baby's dad to do one or two nights a week of night feeds so you can at least get some sleep.

So sorry to hear this OP, it’s not you being unreasonable! You are doing a tough job really well. Ideally all mums would be empathetic and tell us that, rather than drawing irrelevant comparisons.

I really feel for you.. when I was struggling to keep on top of a new baby and housework and said as much to my own mum, ie that it all felt impossible, she said ‘well how did I manage it then?’ There’s this ego thing going on that I don’t understand. I have learned too late to lean on other people when struggling, as she always makes me feel worse!

She sounds like she views you as a friend rather than a daughter. And also that she has low self esteem trying to justify to herself that she was great and putting you down in the process. Does she have many friends of her own?

Agree with the other posters. She’s probably also talking shit. Can’t imagine you or your siblings never had tantrums 😂

It’s not you or your hormones. It’s her. She doesn’t sound very nice. It’s all about her and zero empathy for her baby, - you!

Do you see a lot of her? Can you cut back? She’s probably got amnesia about your own infancy but even if she’s right, and she was Martha Stewart on steroids; it hasn’t been a good predictor of how good a mum she is has it? I’d choose a listening ear and shoulder to cry on over having ironed cotton handkerchiefs any day.

💐