Reference Request

[zingally]

Today, out of the blue, I received a reference request for a sort-of friend/ex work colleague.
I didn't know she was applying for jobs, and I certainly didn't know she'd put me down as a reference.

Bit of backstory. We worked together very closely, perhaps 11 years ago now. We stayed in touch, and saw each other socially perhaps 2 or 3 times a year up until Covid hit. I haven't seen her since then. I do keep thinking, "Oh, I should drop J a line." But then just forget and move on. I checked, and the last time we spoke was early November last year.

Now, I have no issue with being a reference for her, even though surely my knowledge of her work is so far out of date as to be worthless... I'm still happy to do it. But surely the polite thing to do is to contact your references ahead of time to ask if it's okay that you put their contact details down? Not just to blindly assume they'll do it? And even more so when the contact between yourselves is basically close to none at this point?

I will do the reference, but would I be being a total bitch if I didn't get round to it for a few days...?

Or you could separate out the friendship in your mind for the professional relationship and not let it cloud your judgement...

You're maybe hurt that the friendship has faltered but you don't need to let that stop you providing the professional reference

Awe, it's so hard to get a job and find a reference especially if you're out of work for a while. I'd write something really nice. Why not?

I was often asked to write a reference and I always did. It’s a bit pointless though, when it’s several years after they worked with me and I don’t know what they’ve been doing in the intervening years.

YABU, what a baffling thought process.

You sound controlling, don’t be mean and do the reference.

Okay, message received and understood, I'm being a bitch. I don't mind being told.

In my defense, I've had a rough week, and I'm feel a little sensitive, so this was a further little knock at my defences when I was already feeling a bit battered.

I have done the reference and sent it off.

Blimey I don’t think you are being awful I think she is being incredibly rude.
Surely the polite thing to do is to message you and ask if you are happy to act as her referee and provide information about the job she is applying for?
After it takes time and effort on you part to provide a well written, positive reference. She could at least ask nicely.