Do I go out too much…?

[PineapplePrincess]

I’m a working Mum of two boys with what I would deemed to be a limited social circle. No family (only child, parents both deceased). No real Mum friends - first child I had two Mum friends both with little girls, after the kids developed different interest and ended up going to different schools we’ve drifted apart - for our second child Covid limited our interactions with others. I have close acquaintances in work but I’m technically their boss (with no real peer support) so it’s difficult to develop strong friendships which don’t impact that dynamic,

My only real friendship circle is girls I’m friends with from high school, four of us in total. We’re obviously the same age (40+), two of us have kids the other two don’t.

Since the start of the year we’ve made an additional effort to see each other a little more. Last year we maybe saw each other 2-3 times in the year. Generally we are doing once every 4-6 weeks. We alternate between going over to someone’s house, ordering a takeout and having a chat; to maybe going into town for lunch or dinner, occasionally having a drink (not done an outing with alcohol this year).

The other girls have met up more often, sometimes (but not often) as couples - but hubby not interested in going so I tend to skip those. I will often decline other outings as my husband feels like I’m out too much. He will say “it’s my decision whether I go” and “he won’t stop me from going” but his attitude and body language scream he’s not happy.

This week is a prime example. We had arrange to go out at the end of the month, organised a month in advance, table for lunch booked, hubby informed, really looking forward to it - might even managing a drink! A kids birthday party was reorganised to the same date and I accepted the invite forgetting about my plans. When I realised I mentioned to hubby and asked whether he could drop one child off at the birthday party and look after the other child. I got a straight no. Non negotiable.

I looked into other options but nothing seemed to work. I considered declining the party invite, but felt guilty prioritising my social life over the kids. So I said to my friends I wouldn’t be able to go, who (wonderfully) suggested moving the date from the Saturday to the Sunday to accommodate. Great I thought. But I got major attitude when I mentioned his to hubby.

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable trying to get out every 4-6 weeks, am I? I don’t see anyone else during evenings or weekend, all this time is spent with hubby and kids. I just want some female company, and to unwind and let off steam with others about life.

Is he controlling in other ways too?

ExH used to pull simillar stuff. He never said no, he never asked me not to go out, but he often refused to join, made out he was hard done by if he had to do solo childcare, and got quietly arsey when I did go out. It all added up and I started to go out less and less, and lost contact with all but my closest friends. I didn't even see it at the time.

It's terrible that you are questioning yourself about going out. To clarify, no you are not going out too much. Bloody hell my husband would have received a verbal spray from me if he pulled that shit. But then again he would never say that in the first place.

You need to make it extremely clear how you will not accept this bullshit from him and if he continues down this vein then it will lead to a relationship breakdown ultimately.

He should be happy that your have friends.

He should be happy to parent his own Dc.

He's not.

He's a shit, controlling, abusive man.

That and the thread about the DH who controls his wife's sleep/doesn't care about waking her up.

You need your own social life and support network. It is so important and any loving DH should encourage this. What is his argument for not supporting you to go out unless he has something else to do? You need to push back firmly against this sort of behaviour if you want your marriage to survive and also to be happy. There needs to be consequences to him. Make him suffer if he presumes to control you. Don’t tolerate it and just suck it up. And don’t hide this behaviour from friends and family to protect his image. If you can’t go make sure they know why. And make sure he knows that they know too. Then switch off the sex tap, the cooking tap, whatever would be a consequence to him. Or you could try a reasonable rational discussion with him, but I suspect you’ve already tried that and been shut down. It’s like dealing with a toddler, and he needs to appreciate he can’t just behave like this without any repercussions. It’ll be worth the battle now for the long term.

Agree with everyone else, you are an adult and no one gets to decide you're going out too much unless it is genuinely causing problems for your family. A father collecting his own child from a party is not a genuine problem, and if it is he should seriously be taking a look at himself.
For context I am going out tonight and tomorrow night with different groups of friends, then DH&I out together Saturday night using a babysitter DH organised, then we have friends coming for a family dinner on Sunday.
That might be too much for some people but I am seeing friends and maintaining my social life four nights in a row. So once every 4-6 weeks is definitely not too often in any circumstance.
Friends and a social life are important, don't let him curtail yours. He's not the boss of you.

PS I also have a friend whose husband is not interested in going out with friends as a couple. She just comes on her own, it's absolutely fine with everyone and she's not missing out on anything. You don't have to sit things out because your DH is not keen.

I’m confused
so was he originally taking and dropping at the party? And now his issue is that he will have to look after one?

What had originally been planned before the kids party reschedule?

Your husband said ‘no’ to parenting his children? What a loser!

I cannot imagine my husband even daring to say ‘no’ to basic parenting duties because I think he knows I would absolutely fly off the handle! I couldn’t respect a parent who didn’t step up.

In answer to your question, no, once a month is not to much socialising! Enjoy yourself.

Too

After just reading the title I thought to myself, how often would I feel was "going out too much" if it was my partner and I thought any more than twice a week seeing friends would be too much. So you definitely do not go out too much.

Wow!

4-6 times is hardly anything! He would have a point if that was on a weekly basis. You are free to live your life as you wish op, why is he even commenting.
Enjoy your friends, see more of them and have fun!

You are not his slave and servant to kept locked away from having a real life.
I would be challenging his comments, and ignoring his displeasure and body language remind him it is no longer the 1950s!

Aaah, another one of these. OP, your H is being a lazy, controlling twat. Is it because he doesn't want to do the parenting (lazy) or because he wants you to be controlled, I don't know, but either way, it's ridiculous.

As your children are at school, have you made any tentative friendships there or, think honestly about this, has your H discouraged that? Subtle digs about "school mums" or resisting any suggestions of a night out etc?

Thanks guys, this helps give me some balance and perspective.

In reply to some questions/queries:

• DH is generally very hands on. Housework and childcare is split equally, so it’s not like he does nothing
• He was due to look after both kids, which I could tell he wasn’t delighted at (more the going out, than the looking after the kids)
• Birthday party is at a trampoline park, he felt he couldn’t supervise a toddler if he stayed at the party and was refusing to drop off/pick up and do something else with toddler
• He doesn’t go out himself, so there a bit of an expectation (I think) for me to do the same. I’ve tried to encourage him to go out with friends, I don’t think it’s healthy not to. I would love for us to do date nights too, but we don’t. We haven’t had a night together since before our three year old was born. And I could count on one hand how many nights out we’ve had since our eldest was born (he’s 9)
• He generally don’t engage when I try to leet him know if ‘I make plans. Gets huffy, acts like he’s not listening, doesn’t maintain eye contact, etc. Never asks how I get on after the event.

Hi, I know this is over a year old, but I’m curious to know how you got on. Your situation sounds exactly like mine. I’m actually seeing a counsellor as I’ve had thoughts that I don’t love him anymore, and was thinking about ending the marriage. But the reason I came across your post was because this week I’ve been talking to him about our relationship as we’re drifting apart, and the main thing we talked about, is how much time I’m out with my friends, and not him or our 9yo (we have the one child). He says I don’t get the balance right, but looking back at my nights out, it’s usually once a month (or less) with a weekend break once a year. The issue is though, that he isn’t very sociable, he hasn’t really got any friends to go out with, and since covid he hasn’t really gone out, unless I’ve arranged something for the two of us. He always says no if he’s asked to go out by his brother (which is the only person he would go out with, without me)
He has always gone into moods whenever I go out with friends, and he ignores me, for at least a couple of hours. We did talk about this the other night, but all I keep thinking now, is “do I go out too much?” I’ve got another weekend away planned with a different group of girls to the one I usually go on, but I’m nervous about telling him.

@Swimintheocean Your partner is trying to control your behaviour with the moods and ignoring you. Even if he does think you're going out too much (you're not!) then you deserve an adult conversation about that.

I go away with friends 3 or 4 weekends a year and out maybe once a fortnight. Particularly busy at the moment, I was away Thursday to Sunday, out tonight and again on Saturday evening. I turned down invitation for Friday as decided that was too much. My DH was out last night and will be at hobby all day Saturday. My kids are busy themselves so we juggle around them but it's important that everyone in the family has access to fun and friends.

@Swimintheocean - you're right to feel that your h is wrong. He's being controlling, manipulative, sulky and abusive. You are NOT unreasonable to want to see your friends and have a life outside your h. Being nervous to tell your h about a social arrangement is NOT normal either.