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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go on family trip of s lifetime

25 replies

AuntieMeemz · 11/05/2022 19:01

We saved 6 years and our family trip to Japan is just weeks away. FIL is in his very last days. MIL is aggressive, domineering, and a bully like you cannot imagine. If FIL dies, and we cancel the trip to support her and attend funeral, we can't afford to go to Japan later as prices are 3 times what we paid. DH has a sister who lives abroad, but is rather like MIL, so not much backup there. And.. I feel lousy going on a trip when so many people are struggling and suffering, but we've gone without for years to save for this.

OP posts:

Pottedpalm · 11/05/2022 19:05

How long are you going for? Funerals tend not to happen bery soon after death these days so you could be back in time.

MatildaTheCat · 11/05/2022 19:07

There isn’t a solution that will please everyone here unfortunately. Is FIL likely to die before the trip? If so it’s possible to delay a funeral even by some weeks. If he dies while you are away will any of you be able to enjoy the trip?

It may be that you can’t make a decision until the last few days but I really hope you get to go. MIL won’t be grateful no matter what you do. If FIL is a nice man make sure you spend whatever time you have to say everything you all need to say.

Aprilx · 11/05/2022 19:07

I thought Japan was still closed to visitors anyway?

ethelredonagoodday · 11/05/2022 19:09

Earlier this year funerals were taking several weeks after death (my Dad's was nearly 3 weeks later) so maybe your timings could work?

Whisp3r · 11/05/2022 19:10

What does your DH want to do? Will he want to go to Japan when his father had just died / is about to die? If he still wants to go I would go. But it's a holiday and this is his dad so if he wants to be there for his dad and his family he should be.

bumblefeline · 11/05/2022 19:12

Is Japan open now then?

Yes ask DH what he wants to do, it's a tough decision OP

hellcatspanglelalala · 11/05/2022 19:13

I don't think you can miss his funeral, but how long are you away for? Depending when he dies and what the waiting time is in your area, you may be able to arrange it for when you get back.

faggyhagger · 11/05/2022 19:13

What does DH want to do? I'd be guided by that.

worraliberty · 11/05/2022 19:14

Literally not one mention of your DH in all this, despite the fact you're talking about his dad

AllFreeOwls · 11/05/2022 19:15

I think be guided by what your DH wants to do in the situation.

jamoncrumpets · 11/05/2022 19:18

Doesn't sound like going to Japan right now would be much fun tbh www.timeout.com/news/japan-plans-to-reopen-to-tourism-in-june-051022

PortiaFimbriata · 11/05/2022 19:20

It's your husband's choice - and a very difficult one. All you should do is back him up in whatever he chooses.

reluctantbrit · 11/05/2022 19:23

It is hard. We had this discussion/decision making when my dad was close to dying and we had a trip to Canada booked we waited a long time for as I finished a part-time degree.

My mother was determind we should go, I was very reluctant but we also knew our insurance wouldn't cover it as the illness wasn't sudden.

In the end my dad died around 1 month prior to the trip. We enjoyed it, it actually helped to grieve as I felt I could get away from the practicalities and breath instead of talking to wellmeaning friends and relatives. Luckily my mum had months to prepare all paperwork and in a way she grieved already as dad was in a hospice several month prior. So it didn't feel like we abandoned her. Not sure if I would have done the same if dad would died without any warning.

Original poster

AuntieMeemz · 11/05/2022 19:24

DH feels we should go. He has spent most of his time with FIL in the last few months and feels he's already said his goodbyes. Japan isn't open yet, that is another massive gamble- but we have to pay up tomorrow.

OP posts:

duvetdayforeveryone · 11/05/2022 19:26

Your bully MIL does not deserve your kindness! Go to Japan and enjoy 😀

FairyCakeWings · 11/05/2022 19:28

If the trip is weeks away and FIL is in his last days, you may find that the funeral is done by the time your trip comes around. There will never be any guarantees, but it would be awful to be in the position of sacrificing the trip for no need.

ShirleyPhallus · 11/05/2022 19:29

This happened to my best friend. Her dad was absolutely determined that she would go on the trip. She did and had to say a proper goodbye over the phone which was awful but no more awful than having been at home. She felt that that the distance and trip was helpful in her starting to grieve

Is FIL lucid enough to give an opinion?

Mally100 · 11/05/2022 19:31

Then go. If your dh feels that's the best decision, then I would ignore the nasty MIL and go ahead. She will have plenty of support. Even if yourll stayed she would find something to be nasty to you about.

FourTeaFallOut · 11/05/2022 19:32

Does your DH regard his mother as a bully? Is she so dislikeable that your DH doesn't feel obligated to be around when his father dies to support her and help arrange the funeral?

EileenGC · 11/05/2022 19:35

Wouldn’t you be covered by insurance in the event of a close relative’s death? I know my policy includes this.

That said, no matter how good your insurance is, they won’t cover you when you can’t go on your holiday because Japan is still closed to visitors. Can you not move the dates?

Unsure33 · 11/05/2022 19:36

I would say go especially if you have time to say your goodbyes. Is there any other family that can arrange the funeral if necessary ? How long are you going for ?

if I was the person who was Ill and it was my children I would say go .

Original poster

AuntieMeemz · 11/05/2022 19:47

reluctantbrit our position is almost identical to yours.

OP posts:

Original poster

AuntieMeemz · 11/05/2022 19:49

Ps.. I haven't mentioned DH specifically as we are both of exactly the same frame of mind. As usual, he's more than happy to leave the decision to me..

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 11/05/2022 20:12

AuntieMeemz · 11/05/2022 19:49

Ps.. I haven't mentioned DH specifically as we are both of exactly the same frame of mind. As usual, he's more than happy to leave the decision to me..

I’d really push this back on to him. While he’s fine about it now you’ve no idea what deep harboured feelings he might have about it in the future and you don’t want to be blamed by him during a row or something for leaving his dad to die because it was your decision.

Original poster

AuntieMeemz · 12/05/2022 09:09

Thank you all for your thoughts, much appreciated. Our insurance won't cover us as it won't be a sudden death. We hope to be away for 3 weeks. My feeling is to go, and insist SIL steps up! DH just wants me to sort it all out. He has been driven insane by MIL all his life and has given his all throughout our marriage to balancing her incessants demands and keeping his own family!

OP posts:

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