Am I being mean here?

[bagsforlife20]

My friend and I are mid 20s. We both used to live in the Midlands until she moved to London.

Before she moved, we saw each other often. Since she moved a few months ago, we haven’t seen each other although I did say I would come down. Her mental health has taken a downturn; she hates her job and has been signed off from work, she has had regular panic attacks. She has no friends/family in London, hasn’t settled in. She lives with her partner and their relationship is rocky. She keeps asking me to come to London and see her. She said she’s really looking forward to it to take her mind off things.

I would, but I have my own place and my bills are close to my monthly salary (like £300 leeway). I tried to explain that I want to see her but I can’t really afford it, but I can tell she’s upset by this. Am I being mean here? Even if we stay in, I’d have to pay around £70 for the travel. She won’t come to the midlands. I would prefer to come down another time but she was upset by this as she wants to see me now for her mental health. What would you suggest?

If she's really putting pressure on you about her mental health, I suppose you could always ask her to pay half?

Other than that, if you can't afford it there's nothing you can do.

She isn’t wrong to invite you down but if you can’t afford it then you can’t afford it.

Why can’t she come to you?

If you can't afford it, then you can't afford it. She shouldn't be pressurising you if she's been told it's not possible, however much she wants it to happen.

You can be supportive of her struggling MH in other ways - regular calls, face time if you both like that (I hate it) - but you can't work miracles.

Id go and visit her. Especially if she’s going through a hard time.

Is the £70 a quote for a train ticket? It so, look at coach prices. MegaBus or National Express, much cheaper than the train.

If you stay over night, could you stay at her place? Then you don’t have to pay for a hotel. Or travel down early, spend a few hours with her and then travel home in the evening.

She’s only a couple of hours away, not at the opposite side of the world. Then next time you want to meet up you can say to her, “it’s your time to travel to me”.

Suggest she covers the cost of your ticket to get there.

Can you ask her to pay half?

You're not being mean if you literally can't spare the cash. She's upset because she's fixated on you as some kind of link to her former happiness, a way of getting back on an even keel, and she realises how cut off she is. Unfortunately I doubt your visit would have a long-term positive effect as you won't be able to afford time/budget to visit regularly. She is too far for an easy friendship to continue, it is a sad fact but one she has to accept.

If you don't have the money then you don't have it.

I would be annoyed with her if she did this to me. It sounds like a very one way friendship. Her MH needs don't trump your financial needs. Are you supposed to miss paying a bill or get yourself into debt?

If she really wanted to see you she could come to you or pay your fare herself.

Have you tried Megabus? I just had a look and you can get tickets from Birmingham to London for under £10.

That is of course, she'll be happy to stick to a budget when you're there.