To expect more from DH

[Spookysausage666]

I'll start this off by saying I love him dearly, he does work, and he's a great dad.

BUT,I'm starting to go insane. I work 3 days a week and DH works 4, AIBU to expect him to do housework on the days he's off? I could genuinely cry when I get in from work and nothing has been done, he's literally done the school run and nothing else.

Why should I get back from work and still have to do everything when he gets back from work and has to do nothing? Am I expecting too much? Surely putting a load of washing away and cooking tea isn't too much to ask for?

No its definitely not too much to ask for. Is he one of these that doesnt notice what needs done or is he someone that knows what needs done but seems to think its not his job to do (like my OH 😡)

Wash your own clothes and cook your own meals.
He can do the same too.
Or you can come to an agreement you will help each other out.
Simple.
Never do it all, madness lays that way!

Has your working pattern changed recently or is this how it has been for years?
Have you spoken to him and tried to agree what you should both be doing on days off?

Maybe write a rota with him?

A mix of both i think, he knows it needs to be done but I just don't think he's bothered,or he'll do half a job and I end up doing the rest,because it needs to be done.
Hes not bothered about the house being messy,but I am so I end up doing it.

Just speak to him?

Talk reasonably. Discuss what NEEDS to be done each day and each claim a couple of houshold jobs. Be responsible for making sure they are done. Also set aside a couple of hours on a Saturday to all work through a list - at top speed - kids helping too.. Sometimes people are just not aware of the behind the scenes tasks that happen.

We've had the 'i can't do it all you need to help me ' talk few times but it doesn't do much, he's a bit better for a few days and then it just goes back to how it was.

What does he actually do with his day off then?

Ask him why he doesn’t respect you enough as a person to pull his weight around the house. Because that’s what he is saying - I am more important than you, these things are beneath me but not beneath you

YABU to even make this post!
I never understand these posts, it’s always ‘he’s a great husband and dad but is it reasonable for me to do everything and him to do nothing?’

It’s absolutely not fair that you’re doing it all. If you can afford a cleaner then that’s probably the most obvious solution. If not then you need to work out a precise rota so he can’t pretend to be oblivious. You have 2 days off to his 1 so it seems logical that he should be doing a third of the housework. Then allocate each other very precise tasks e.g. on his day off it’s one load of laundry, clean the bathroom, do the food shop, cook dinner.

It should be equal free time. So firstly, if you’re working one day less then I’d expect you to be doing a little more housework… but definitely not everything! Does he cook dinner for you when you come home on the days he’s off and you’re working? Write a list and set the expectations. That way, if things aren’t done, it won’t be a shock to him when you react negatively! You should both be able to sit down to relax in the evening together. The silly thing is, even a quick half hour clean makes such a huge difference!

He does the school runs,purely because he has to as I'm at work, one of his days off he meets his friend, the other day nothing??

As you have two days out of the office, do you have a day where you do nothing/see friends? Because it should be equal.

Having said that, I'd expect the bare minimum to be done if he's at home all day - eg kitchen tidy, load of washing to be put on, quick tidy up of any communal spaces etc.

DH actually does do a lot of chores and it's probably about 50/50 here (although as I work longer hours, it should probably be more like 60/40 but it's baby steps...). But we do have a cleaner every fortnight. What amazes me though is we have similar here - he absolutely does plenty but on his day off he will sit and do NOTHING. Which I just find bizarre. It takes 10 minutes to put a load of washing on or do a quick sweep of the stairs (they get dusty v quickly and need doing pretty much daily). Instead, he'll be doing washing late at night.

Absolutely totally unacceptable!

I am about to go back to work for 3 days and my husband will do 4 and we will share child care. It'll take a while but I'll be making sure he does exactly as much as I used to do on my days with the kids.

I hate to say this but some -all- men just can't see what needs doing I don't think. My Dad is the same, my husband's Dad and step Dad just don't see it! I'm going to make my husband a cleaning tick list that is his responsibility on his days off!

Ha! Have a game of housework chicken and don't do anything.If he can't be bothered why should you?
It's the same old story, he needs a mum not a wife.

I'd sit him down and tell him he steps up or fucks off. You're not his maid. How dare he?

Assuming you work a roughly even working day including commute on the days you work and the 'days off' don't involve toddler wrangling...

It is reasonable for you to pick up 1 working days worth of jobs in your 'extra' day off. (School run is mentioned so this would be included plus whatever afterschool care is needed). But beyond that everything should be split.

I'd start by expecting him to cook dinner, do a whole load of laundry (wash, dry, put away). And he MUST clear up after himself. I would nit want to find lunch pots for example lying around. But I'd seriously look at what you can do in the free day and then split the remaining between you. He's a slob if he thinks he can sit around. If he refuses then you take the day out too. Which will mean doing less for him as you wouldn't want the kids to suffer... (depending in age get them involved too. My 8 yr old LOVES putting on a load of washing... 😮and showing up his dad who can't work the machine!)

What is he actually doing during his day?

What does he do on the days you are both off together?

There’s a blog post that has gone viral by Matthew Fray called She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink.

In it he explains how he realised too late, that if you love and respect your wife, then you shouldn’t do these things. Otherwise you are making her your mother. It’s pretty eloquent. Please read it, and then maybe give it to your husband to read.

Thanks everyone😀I feel a little less like a bitch now. Lists are being written tonight when I get home, if the 8 year old can stick to it so can he🤷‍♀️

Do this...he should be pulling his weight, its his house/kids to.

We have divided the jobs between us and it gets done

Have you managed to speak to him OP

Don't say you need help. Tell him he has to do his share of the chores because you can't do your's and HIS chores. If he says he doesn't mind a mess, he needs value others feelings and wellbeing.