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AIBU?

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Original poster

No sex in marriage but husband watches porn

26 replies

hellybelly14 · 10/05/2022 14:23

We’ve been together 9 years, hardly ever have sex, 3/4 times a year…husband claims I’m the love of his life yadda yadda yadda he watches porn, I don’t mind when he’s away but not at home which he does, continually looking up other womens photos online and follows sexy Twitter accounts etc etc it really pisses me off!

OP posts:
rhowton · 10/05/2022 14:24

He has no respect for you. I'm not usually one for LTB, but unless he brings a lot to the table, I really would.

Notimeforaname · 10/05/2022 14:25

Break up

Tryhard40 · 10/05/2022 14:28

Wow, what a catch!

It doesn't sound like he gives a shit about trying to repair your relationship and improve your sex life. Basically bc he's a lazy, selfish arse who'd rather have a quick wank than make the effort to make love to his wife. And it sounds like he doesn't even respect you enough to try and hide the fact from you!

seriously, what do you get out of the relationship?

DinoWoman · 10/05/2022 14:40

Has it always been this way? Has he given you any reasons for why you have sex so rarely?

Original poster
hellybelly14 · 10/05/2022 14:50

Initially all was good…and I knew he watched a bit of porn but not to the extent he does…plus it’s screen shots of women, following sexy accounts etc and even scrolling through other women online when he thinks I’m asleep in the same bed!! He says he can’t get an erection…I assume he’s numb now to run of the mill sex!!! BTW we’re in our 50s so no spring chickens but….!

OP posts:
Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 10/05/2022 14:53

That's not really porn though is it, live cams and following other women would be more (and worse) than porn to me

Giveitall · 10/05/2022 14:59

I’d make an exit plan.
Tuck it up your sleeve and bide your time. Get your ducks in a row & explore your options, legal, financial, pension etc. You can do all that on the QT.
One day he will be old & stooped and will need you. Will he have started to look at more advanced stuff then? Will he be a dirty old man?
How will you feel then? Can you reflect him?
To have a mature relationship like you have and time served, it must be sickening.

Giveitall · 10/05/2022 15:00

Can you respect him?
Not “reflect” him!

Original poster
hellybelly14 · 10/05/2022 15:09

Must admit the following of other women…real ones as opposed to porn…is upsetting especially when we know some of them!

OP posts:
Original poster
hellybelly14 · 10/05/2022 15:12

Thank you for your replies!

OP posts:
INeedYouBlaBla · 10/05/2022 15:20

You describe my marriage, except sex was even rarer than that between us. We went to couples counselling a few times but despute that became two strangers living under one roof. It used to make me angry but eventually i just didn’t care. I was dreading my future and growing older with someone i have no real relationahip with. We had other differences and i finally took the leap and applied for divorce and been divorced for over a year now. I don’t feel so bleak about the future anymore.

SlickShady · 10/05/2022 15:44

Why isn't sex happening? Because of you or him? If it's him, I would leave.

zackjdm · 10/05/2022 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
hellybelly14 · 10/05/2022 16:54

I’ve been divorced and it destroyed me financially and mentally! Don’t think I could put myself through it again…I wish you well 😘

OP posts:
Original poster
hellybelly14 · 10/05/2022 16:57

he Stopped really…blamed me over lockdown for drinking too much and that put him off…have hardly had anything this year (he has) but still no sex..he says he has ED we’ve spoke to counsellor when I found his little wank bank photos and I’ve since found more…but still nothing and to be honest I don’t care anymore…I do think a relationship needs some intimacy ?

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 10/05/2022 16:59

Jesus. Where’s your self respect? Just end it.

StopStartStop · 10/05/2022 17:06

What's better? A small, quiet life possibly alone, or a sexless life with a sleazy perv who at least presents as a husband? With the husband, you don't have to start looking for a partner or explaining why you haven't got one. Without him, you don't have that kind of sleaze going on in your home. It's a choice a lot of women have to make. Which suits you best?

SaintVal · 10/05/2022 17:19

Oh OP, I was in a very similar situation to you. My exH never wanted sex with me yet was forever watching porn. Nine years I endured this. I cringed a bit at the comment above that said 'where's your self respect' - I put up with it (a) because I loved him and we had a little boy but also (b) because I had been married before and didn't want to go through yet another horrendous divorce. He eventually left me for another woman which was the ultimate kick in the teeth because it was him who didn't want sex all those years. It was the most humiliating thing. Anyway, my advice to you is get rid of him now and find someone who respects you and treats you better. Good luck.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2022 17:57

Why bother with a marriage like this? Seriously what is the point?

Someone who doesn't respect you, lies to you and with whom you have a non-existent sex life?

I know there's more to it than this and it may not be as straightforward as "just leave". But you must be able to see this is dead in the water?

Make a plan to leave and execute it. Get the hell out of dodge.

ViolentDelightsxox · 12/05/2022 14:03

Honestly, I know a lot of women and men say that porn isn't unhealthy and you shouldn't be uncomfortable if your partner watches porn....
I'm sorry, but to me it's completely disrespectful. Porn is f'ing toxic and can be the root cause of addiction, just like alcohol or drugs. ESPECIALLY when it's affecting your sex life.
Personally, I'd either sit him down and give him an ultimatum of no porn or I'm gone. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to think what kind of life do you want?

Purpleavocado · 12/05/2022 14:15

What are you getting out of this relationship? Is it the fact you've been divorced and don't want to go through it again? Think about 10 years from now, what do you think your 10 year older self would tell you to do? Do you really want another 10 years of this?

Dad808 · 14/05/2022 23:38

Porn addiction is such a horrible thing, trust me I've got first hand experience. His brain has likely changed over time where he relies on watching porn to release dopamine etc (feel good chemicals). If he realises it's an issue then talking with a psychotherapist is the best place to start.

AccessibleVoid · 14/05/2022 23:45

Have you considered seeing a sex therapist?

817batman · 28/06/2023 20:30

You have sex 3-4 times a yr? So how often do you turn him down? And you been turning him down for how many years? He's technically cheating by some would say but you turning him down also wrong. I'm sure he has mentioned lack of, and it became a norm and he got tired of rejection. And you want him to stop and seek help, when you didn't try and seek help yourself.

Backstreets · 28/06/2023 20:32

Grim. I’m sorry he’s not a better man for you