It’s not Freudian that 2yo DS prefers me to DH

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DH has been really upset recently about how DS always wants to be with me and seems glum when he “has to” do something with DH, or get a cuddle from him rather than me.
DH is a lovely dad but it is true that I am more gentle (it takes a lot for me to get annoyed, I am very tolerant of young children, maybe a bit too flexible and I tend to "outsource" being firm to my husband).
I talked to a friend about it who said, “everyone knows why, right? It’s because little boys want to kill their dads because they are rivals for their mums’ affection.”
I know this is a theory but to me it seems like a too-easy explanation.
It stops you actually looking carefully at the relationship and asking “why has this little boy attached more to his mum than his dad? What can you change about the relationship to make that better?”
I want to tell my friend things have moved on since Freud!
but have they? Do psychologists still think this?
AIBU?

The general public don’t think this and neither do most psychologists.

In my experience their affection between parents is quite arbitrary and unpredictable at an early age. We'd be the same and yet he would gravitate towards either mum or dad on any given day. I certainly wouldn't blame the dad unless you can see he's doing something egregious.

Sorry but that sounds like absolute nonsense from your friend. And you as well, for the way you think. Your ds must be very little because you don't seem to know that kids flip flop between parent. My ds blows like the wind between dh and I.

Of course it isn’t true.
you sound a lovely mum, but I’d really stop outsourcing being firm to your husband. It will make him the “bad guy” in your sons eyes and demonise him. Allow him to be the fun parent too sometimes.

@Springhassprung86 yes exactly. This is exactly what we talked about at the weekend when we had a big teary 5 hour talk into the night about it.
He would love to be more of the fun parent, and I’m contributing to the situation by leaving him to deal with the harder stuff.
it’s very gendered isn’t it?
any advice on how to work on that?

There is absolutely no empirical evidence to support that "theory".

@SleeplessInEngland and @MarJau26 its not really flip flopping though, it’s been the same since about 14 months old (so over a year).
when he was little even though I was EBF he seemed just as attached to his dad.
yes, as a first time parent there are indeed some things I don’t know! (Amazing!)

In the vast majority of cases I think it's simply because the woman tends to be the primary carer: the one who has spent more time with them on maternity leave, who gets up overnight, breastfeeding, etc. I think it does tend to even out more as the child grows. But it's just totally normal.

Op my ds was my shadow till 3.5yo. And then he suddenly grew up and started becoming closer to his dad. Now, it's like they are two peas in a pod. I don't mind though, I enjoy my free time while they are busy doing their stuff. Ds loves us equally, I do know that so it doesn't bother me.

Definitely not Freud.

Although it's good to see you want to rebalance this - it's really not fair on your DH for you to get to do all the fun stuff and leave him with all the boundary setting/discipline. It won't help you either as he gets older and doesn't listen.

@MarJau26 thanks that’s helpful.
yup, I told DH it wouldn’t last for ever and that I think he’s taking it too personally. Also that if it was me I would find it a relief!!
but I do understand why he feels sad about it too. I suppose it’s really touching actually.

@MJ123 you’re right there. It’s short term gain for long term pain…
and growing up thinking men are strong and women are weak

I think toddlers are fickle about their preferences, I certainly wouldn’t be taking credit/ thinking I’d earned being my DDs favourite. It’s actually the opposite here, I’m a SAHM , breast fed and do 95% of all her care, including fun stuff, but daddy is the absolute hero and favourite. I don’t take offence but equally I know it’s not because of any ‘real’ parenting preference

It does change. It doesn't flip-flop as often as when they are little, but it does. Between 3 and 5.5 DS2 sobbed his heart out when it was me that did things because he just wanted Daddy.

DD3 had regular huffs between 3 and 4 because she just wanted Maisie from nursery to do everything. That was a fun one as no-one in our house was good enough!!

That’s interesting.
maybe it’s because I’m inexperienced, but I tend to be of the school of thought that there is usually a reason for emotions and behaviour, even if it’s a reason in toddler world that doesn’t make sense to us adults.
For example, with tantrums I’m interested in the new (is it?) thinking that there is always something that causes a tantrum, but it might be something that’s difficult to understand or something that happened hours early and adults haven’t picked up on. Rather than just saying ‘oh it’s just a tantrum’ and dismissing it.
So although I don’t mean to take credit in that way, I do think there must be a development in the relationship that means something to him, even if it doesn’t make sense to us.
wdyt?

My dc 1 preferred Dh as he was the sahp for first 5 years of his life.

I found it very hard not to be dc go to person when he was hurt or upset - he wanted dh. In big groups he wanted dh. It really opened my eyes how hard it can be to be the less preferred parent.

I never said anything and sometimes I did have a small cry. DC1 is lovely and definitely has become a mums boy since he started school as we are together more now. I do understand how your dh feels.

Your child will pick and choose who is the most preferred parent from time to time, but you should really be consistent and agreeing on your parenting techniques. It is not ok to outsource discipline to your DH, whatever form it takes.

Thanks @Hankunamatata it is really kind of you to share your experience.
Since he told me about it I’ve gone from ‘count yourself lucky!’ to being more sympathetic and taking his feelings more seriously, so your message is helpful with that change in thinking.

I am a SAHM and Ds2 was a very poorly baby who basically slept on me during the day until he was 1. Then he co-slept in the day with me too. There is a very funny video that Dh took of him, he is 6 and in bed. Dh says who do you love best Mummy or Daddy because he knows what the answer will be. He says me, goes on for a full minute about why I am better. Then Dh asks him does he love his teddy bear more than Mummy, yes, absolutely. I come second to a bloody bear. It is very funny to watch as he is now 16. Still has that bear in his bed.

Dh worked really hard at doing a lot of one to one with both our children as I was a SAHM so spent a lot of time with them. We never assigned roles and we both tried to move our parenting toward the other. In your case your Dh would be a little more fun and you would do more disciplining. That way you are both providing a more consistent joint parenting boundary.

Children do go through phases of wanting one parent over another. It is completely normal.

I have two boys, aged 8 and 5 and they have also had a preference for me……especially when it comes to them needing some love, reassurance, comfort etc.

I think is very normal for infants/toddlers to show preference towards the mother simply due to pregnancy, the closeness of the mother/baby relationship after birth, the closeness of breastfeeding, the mother being the main carer etc and so it naturally follows that the child’s bond with the mother would continue to to be stronger as the child ages.

My boys adore their dad, they do so much together, lots of fun times, lots of quality time together, but the love they have for me is different to the way they love him.

ps) your friend’s theory about sons wanting to kill their fathers is bizarre.

Small children are fickle, my DS is always chopping and changing his mind over who his favourite parent is. It's normally whoever didn't last ask him to do something he doesn't want to do.

Stop outsourcing discipline to your DH, it's not fair on him. You're entitled to your feelings about what should be disciplined and what can be ignored, but you need to have that conversation and agree those rules and how you respond with him so that you're both on the same page and pulling in the same direction. Good cop, bad cop just breeds resentment on the "bad cop's" side because they're always doing the shit bits and never in favour because of that - as someone whose DH often outsourced the discipline/hard decisions before I told him to buck his ideas up, it's a horrible feeling.

No psychologists actually think this, not in this day!

Oh for goodness sake, your friend is over-analyzing! I have a teenage DD (17) and DS (13). DD was Daddy’s girl when she was younger and DS was closer to me. Now it’s reversed, DS confides more to DH and DD to me. They still like spending time with the other parent, but there’s been a shift.

Don’t over-think it and reassure your DH that he’s a lovely parent as you say, and everything will be fine longterm.

It's the Oedipus Complex if anyone cares to read up on it and what a bizarre concept it is (in girls is called the Electra Complex)

My DS went through phases of only wanting me, then only wanting daddy. In fact I had a Facebook memory just the other day of my toddler DS searching the house for daddy and on realising he had gone to work, sitting by the front door and crying his eyes out. For weeks he only wanted Daddy to put him to bed. When it was my turn it felt suffocating. We made sure to not pander to it and, yes it made for some difficult days.
But I have a friend who utterly gave into her child's preference for only her and she has ended up with a child who she has had to do everthing for because the child doesn't want to be with its dad and the dad can't cope with the behaviour that ensues if he ever is in sole charge.

Even now at 9 years old my son still goes through phases of prefering one of us to the other.