I'm so tired of it all I want to leave, AIBU to ask for help?

[MajesticallyAwkward]

I just don't know what to do anymore. My 7yo is making our lives hell and I want to take my 2yo and leave.

She doesn't care, no punishment, positive reinforcement, shouting, gentle talking. Nothing works.

Her immediate reaction to anything is to shout, scream, throw, slam, hit and kick. And I mean anything, I asked her to brush her teeth this morning and she screamed at me, slapped the 2yo, slammed the bathroom door back and cracked a wall tile, and the shouting hasn't stopped since. We're an hour and a half in and she's just kicking off over every little thing, she hates me, wishes I was dead, hates school, won't get dressed, doesn't want breakfast.... This is almost every morning too, evenings are the same, I dread weekends because I know whatever I do she'll just scream and lash out.

I'm embarrassed to go anywhere because of the behaviour and now the 2yo is copying because he thinks it's normal. We are supposed to be going on holiday in the half term (long awaited and very expensive!) and I would honestly rather waste the £££ and not go because of DDs behaviour.

Last night she took the 2yo blanket away (out of spite) and when he tried to take it back she kicked him so hard he fell over. She was sent to time out where she screamed at me, literally rolling around on the floor screaming. When I sat and tried to calm her down and explain why it was wrong she shouted over me, made this awful face (like scrunched up, tongue out and full of contempt) and ignored me completely.

I've spoken to her teacher who said he doesn't see that behaviour in school, she is generally happy other than a few issues with friendships that I've addressed with the school. DD said she was being bullied but it appears she was exaggerating/embellishing somewhat. Her teacher has been wonderful about that but there are a couple of things she's noticed that we're keeping an eye on before trying to get an assessment (eg she does things then denies it like throwing a pencil or ripping a worksheet) and has limited empathy/sympathy reactions. Because she's not lashing out at school there's only so much they can do around that. Academically she is doing great, genuinely smart child.

DH is generally ok but resorts to shouting too quickly for me and as a large man I hate when he looses it with the dc. He has also pretty much checked out recently, he has some other stress and his response has been to shut down.

I don't even know what I want from this, I am just so, so tired.

I've tried every avenue I can find locally and no one will see us. Our GP did the emotional resilience referral but wouldn't follow up or refer anywhere else and there's no self referral option, tried all of the private places i could find and none would even consider without CAHMS. The school is my last resort now.

I have other concerns now around the bullying. Her teacher said they'd make sure all staff were aware and keep an eye on her but yesterday dd came home saying another child (cousin of one she's had issues with) was really unkind and violent to her in the middle of the playground but no staff saw it happening, DD told one of them but says nothing was done (not that I take her word as gospel but I'd at least want the child to apologise) and nothing was mentioned to me at pick up.

Like the others say possible additional needs. There is always a reason for bad behaviour! Figuring out is the hard part but get as much support as you can.

Honestly I found very little support out there that wasn’t private. I got more support off different face book groups from other parents going through similar situations. We’ve had to do so so much researching ourselves as parents reading about ASD & ADHD and PDA to understand what was going on in our daughters brain to cause the emotional response you see externally. I too had to leave my DH to handle her on a few occasions for him to understand that shouting back or more traditional parenting just doesn’t work with her. He gets it mostly now, he can’t always handle her but he does understand more now. Plus she finally has a teacher on the leadership team at primary school who “gets her” not just paying lip service to it so she’s getting small adjustments which help reduce the coke bottle effect at home after & before school.