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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Little lies

13 replies

Foodie87 · 10/05/2022 00:11

My husband often omits to tell me things.
he is very close to a woman at work- clearly friends- but I wonder if it crosses boundaries?
Doesn’t help she directly manages him, so they do speak a lot. Also doesn’t help she’s young and beautiful!( My own issues there)
She buys him things all the time- which I actually don’t care about. It’s the fact he lies and I find out. I am constantly wondering what I’ll find next and it is so mentally draining. I don’t care about their work relationship- but if he has nothing to hide why hide it!? I do have to be honest that in the past I did get upset about it. Is he in some way trying to protect me from it?!

OP posts:
GiraffeInTheSky · 10/05/2022 00:14

This makes no sense.

Why would he lie to you?

If he is lying to you - and you seem to be saying he is already and accepting it?!? - then there is somethig very wrong and I'd be leaving this relationship.

Original poster
Foodie87 · 10/05/2022 00:18

He says things like he didn’t think it was important or he forgot to mention it. I feel actually insane sometimes.

OP posts:
ILoveAnOwl · 10/05/2022 00:21

I'm sorry to say this scenario was the beginning of the end of my marriage. The ommision of truth surrounding another woman (although I don't think anything physical ever happened between them) was enough of an erosion of trust that we never found our way back from it. Tell him how much it's hurting you. And if he doesn't stop, then you know his full loyalty doesn't belong with you.

Rainingoflamp · 10/05/2022 00:30

What do you mean she buys him things? A lot? What things? A coffee or something else? She’s his manager it sounds potentially inappropriate.

carefullycourageous · 10/05/2022 00:38

Some people lie as a power thing - they feel.powerful knowing something you don't, like they have got one over on you.

Original poster
Foodie87 · 10/05/2022 00:42

books, mugs, alcohol. Tickets to events. I do get very upset easily, and I do overreact and create things in my head. I have tried to stop overthinking, he knows it upsets me. He sees no issue at it means nothing to him apparently

OP posts:
Atl · 10/05/2022 00:47

Foodie87 · 10/05/2022 00:42

books, mugs, alcohol. Tickets to events. I do get very upset easily, and I do overreact and create things in my head. I have tried to stop overthinking, he knows it upsets me. He sees no issue at it means nothing to him apparently

That doesn't sound ok 🤔

I think you're right to be concerned.

Atl · 10/05/2022 00:49

Does he buy things for her in return?

The constant lies would bother me. I had an ex who told unnecessary lies. I don't think they're capable of change and would walk away.

Original poster
Foodie87 · 10/05/2022 00:52

Yeh he does. Only again as I’ve seen it by accident. Tricky- I buy my friends things at work too and I guess I don’t tell him! 8
if it was a bloke would I care?! I think I just want his thoughtfulness too.

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 10/05/2022 10:44

It sounds like he's in a difficult position. You have issues with jealousy around his boss. He can't stop his boss giving him gifts without potentially harming his career, so he just doesn't mention them to you so as not to cause an argument. This then makes you more suspicious and jealous when you do find out.

Original poster
Foodie87 · 10/05/2022 12:35

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 10/05/2022 10:44

It sounds like he's in a difficult position. You have issues with jealousy around his boss. He can't stop his boss giving him gifts without potentially harming his career, so he just doesn't mention them to you so as not to cause an argument. This then makes you more suspicious and jealous when you do find out.

Exactly!

OP posts:
mamabeeboo · 10/05/2022 13:11

Hey OP, I was on the other side to this. There were some things I omitted telling my husband about previous relationships. For no other reason than I didn't think it was relevant/didn't want him to get upset about it.

When he found out, he was very upset, asked why I lied etc. The reason I didn't say anything, or lied whenever it was asked about was not to hurt him, because I knew in my own heart nothing was happening with anyone else, and he had nothing to worry about. But knowing him, I knew it would upset him, so I didn't say anything.

It took him a while to get over it. But I do think the trust has gone partially.

Original poster
Foodie87 · 10/05/2022 15:57

I agree- I don’t think he is actually cheating- honestly. However, I think this is just another layer of him not wanting to be honest. Thanks for all your thoughts x

OP posts:
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