Horrible parent

[Spooked102]

My dad is such a horrible man, he’s always been quite nasty but he’s a bit jeckle and Hyde one day he can be lovely do anything for you, funny and kind. The next he’s just awful sarcastic rude and very aggressive and mean. I grew up with being put down a lot by him about my weight being called fat and ugly and jokes about me being the ugly one. Also that I was useless, It’s affected me all my life being called useless by him for years that it’s made me feel useless, especially when I went through infertility I could never get the word out of my head that I was as a woman utterly useless. I know it’s a load of shit, I’m strong independent and love my life, I now have a child and feel extremely lucky to have her. But my dad ( who has been through grief and death recently) has become very nasty again to me. I was always the child who got the stick for anything and was always the one he took everything out on. It didn’t affect me for years but now I’ve had my own child, it’s affecting me everyday and for a few months I woke up and cried nearly every morning remembering things he has said/ done to me when I was a child or over the years. He is still in my life but I don’t make any effort to see him or visit his home anymore. He comes to mine and every time is just moody and tells his horrible jokes or is sarcastic. I’m so sick of feeling like this about it and feeling self pity that I have such a shit dad. I wish every day I had a different dad. My husband is a an amazing dad to our daughter and loves her unconditionally but I feel heartbroken I don’t have that. Sorry for the long post but I just don’t know how to get over this or feeling so devastated by it.

I think you need to calmly explain to him how his behaviour makes you feel. Is he aware that his put downs and name calling are making you cry everyday or does he just use you as an emotional punch bag when he can't regulate his own emotions and not give it a second thought? You need to tell him how his behaviour affects you and then you need to put boundaries in place.

So the next time he calls you a name, you calmly say "I will not tolerate you putting me down and verbally abusing me. If you don't stop I will leave/put the phone down/ask you to leave" if he continues to break the boundaries then you need to come up with a more long term solution such as distancing yourself or think about cutting him out of your life if he refuses to change his behaviour. You are not his emotional punch bag, he needs to address his anger that he has got away with far too long of not having consequences of his actions. Hopefully he will think about what you say and be remorseful but I would brace yourself for resistance

I'm so sorry he's such a crap parent to you. Sounds like you are his whipping-girl, who he takes all his frustrations on.

I note you say that you don't bother to visit him any more; would you consider not letting him into your house? Just greet him at the door next time he calls and tell him that you don't want him in your house while he disrespects you?

You have a child of your own, you don't need her hearing her mother being treated so badly.

I have brothers I no longer see for the same reason.

I’ve tried calling him out on stuff before I got called a nutcase and that I was crazy. Made me just feel worse didn’t help I was in the throes of pnd at the time as I burst out crying in front of him ( something I don’t do I’ve always been seen as the strong one in his eyes) he treats my siblings differently but he can be quite hard on my younger sister sometimes. He spoils my older sister but not me at all never has done. I think now I have my own child and would never treat her that way it’s made me feel 100 times worse about it and just completely broke my heart tbh to be hated that much by my own parent, I feel so envious of others who have great dads.

Your Dad is abusive and nasty and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to change. Perhaps the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut constant with him-why should you spend any time with someone like that? Don’t let him be part of your life.

I do understand that feeling of wishing your Dad was like other Dads and envying those who have great Dads, but for your own sake, I’d advise letting go of it. My Dad has MH issues and he can also be very nasty at times. I’ve sometimes wished he were different, but it isn’t going to happen so all I can do is accept it and handle the situation as best I can. Sending you 💐

*contact

My dad is a total git too. If I call him out on things from the past he says I'm just like my mother, making all this stuff up, or I've bought into her lies about him when she wasn't even there for these things. If I call him out on thigs now, he'll change the subject to something I've done wrong or ask me things like, 'What happened to you to make you like this, it's not normal,' in his fake caring voice.

He's never taken responsibility for his own actions, yet if something happens to you it's all your own fault! My brother got run over by a car who turned into the side road he was in without looking, apparently he should have known it might happen and taken precautions! The car wasn't there when he started crossing! When he drives into a road sign though it's a stupid place to put a road sign and all the council's fault.

I had a friend of my mothers tell me I was beautiful as a teen and was shocked by my reaction, asking, 'Don't your parents tell you that?' And no, I don't think they'd ever paid me a compliment, I'd only ever heard criticism before that. I was too fat, then I was too thin, I was a slut (still a virgin when she said that!) I was just something to be mocked in front of friends and family and lied about to make themselves look better.

Some parents are shit. Avoid them, you don't owe them a thing.

I just don’t know how to get over this or feeling so devastated by it The best thing you can do IMO is seek counselling to support you to feel better towards this. It can never disappear completely but with counselling people get over all sorts.

Often it can be much harder when you have your own children because the contrast is very stark - so it is understandable you are upset watching your DH being a supportive father.

I’m not in for having men rushing in to rescue women, but if you feel that you have to have this awful man in your house can you do it when dh is about? Then when he starts he gets shown the door by him with a few home truths about how he speaks to you. Personally I’d not let him over the doorstep again, the bully.

You need to put up boundaries and remove yourself from the situation when he's harming you and if he doesn't get the hint that you're not going to put up with it then you need to cut him out your life permanently to protect yourself. You can't allow him to damage your mental health anymore than he already has

Stay low contact, consider no contact. We can't choose our parents and there are a lot of shit ones, but we don't have to indulge them.

My mother has always emotionally bullied me. She's had a tough life and made a lot of bad choices, but can't be happy for my good choices and happy life. She has never told me she loves me and is always passive aggressive with me. I'm low contact, but circumstances with a family death means I'm having more contact than I'm comfortable with while we deal with this. My brother (golden child) and his new partner are here for the funeral (they live abroad and we've never met his partner before). My mother has given this new partner one of her rings and has told her she loves her?! I know why - she's burned her bridges with me and another sibling who is N/C, and needs another victim!

I'm hardened to it OP, and honestly I'm not too fussed about my mother's behaviour anymore. You sound like you're really struggling though, so I'd suggest counselling, particularly inner child counselling, given your childhood. I trained as a counsellor in emotional therapeutic counselling and the inner child work helped me so much. Good luck.

Time to stop contacting him. He’s far too damaging to you. And you’d never forgive yourself if, when your daughter is older, he started on her.

@Spooked102 Your father is just like mine an abusive bully and he will never change. Don't bother confronting him just cut contact. I did and its the best decision I ever made. When you don't have his constant abuse being thrown at you you'll feel much better. Don't soften even for a minute no matter how much he promises to change and I wouldn't be surprised if he starts acting nice to catch you off guard and trick you into thinking he's changed its all an act to manipulate you so block all forms of contact and refuse to engage. I'd suggest some counselling or therapy to help you deal with this good luck OP 💐

Cut him out, seriously, you owe him nothing. I did this with my DM because she was of similar ilk. It was the hardest but best decision I ever made

My father is very similar to yours.

It does not matter how many times you tell him he is hurting you, he will continue. He is not a loving parent, he is an abuser.

Now you have your own child, it highlights how awful your own parents are/were, and your childhood was blighted by spite and bullying - you can't overlook the love you feel for your child and can not imagine ever being like that. I am afraid having children is a huge trigger and you now can not unsee the way you see your parent.

For me, going virtually no contact was the best way. I send christmas, birthday and gifts for special occasions and that is it. I can't have him around my own children as he started behaving badly towards them as well, as no doubt your father will do when your children are old enough. At some point I decided enough was enough. As the years pass I no longer think of him, and he is not part of my life. I stay in very loose contact via cards and gifts sent in the post. He never calls me - I never call him. It is for the best. You have to break the cycle of abuse, the only way you can do it is keeping him away from your family and your life. Consider what you will be missing? Being called fat? Ugly?

Get some counselling to deal with the damage he has caused. Become low contact as a minimum and screen him out of your life for the sake of your children.

She's had a tough life and made a lot of bad choices, but can't be happy for my good choices and happy life.

@ResidentHortensia Your Mum sounds similar to my Dad, unfortunately, just can’t be happy that their child has a good life, because they’re unhappy with their own choices. It’s not normal, quite frankly, but it’s taken me a while to realize it!

At least we know that we’re doing things differently and celebrate our children’s achievements/any good fortune they have. That’s all we can do.