To ask DH to get a new job?

[SWSUN]

I really think I might be so looking for lots of honest opinions!

DH has a full on stressful job and gets paid well for it. He works very long hours including many weekend and logging on when we are on holiday etc. This has been the case for a long time but has been getting much worse recently.

He does however do lots with the teen DC and spends a lot of of his limited free time helping them with school work and their hobbies - for example he will finish work at 8 and then spend over an hour on chemistry revision. A weekend may be hobby/work/his exercise/sleep.

He is an anxious person and does not deal with stress and I get the brunt of it all. He is NOT is any way abusive or anything like that - I just see the stress and short temper and it’s not nice to witness.

He is exhausted ALL THE TIME. This means we do hardly anything as a couple. No meals out, cinema, anything like that. If we do arrange something it is preceded by stress and anxiety and last minute work stuff. It hardly feels worth it.

I have stage 4 cancer so realistically only a few years left to live. It feels like the elephant in the room. I am starting to resent spending time when I feel relatively well sat on my own watching TV feeling upset because he is stressed and short tempered. I will admit I have low level depression and a tendency to be a little selfish so that does not help.

I have long said to DH to find a new job and due to insurance payouts we are mortgage free so he now more freedom. AIBU to push it and say what about me - I am lonely and not here for very long? Am I just being even more selfish and is it tantamount to emotional blackmail? He may want this job when I am gone - who am I to take that away from him?

As I say honest opinions please!!

Oh OP. I have no real advice but just wanted to send you a big hug. Of course you’re not being selfish, it sounds like an awful situation for both of you. Do you think maybe your DH is burying is head in the sand and this is his way of coping, by working so much?

I don't think you're being selfish at all. It's totally okay to ask for your needs to be met in your relationship. I think you need to have a chat with him about how you're feeling x

It sounds like he might be pushing himself very hard and possibly even distancing himself a bit as a way of coping. I don’t think you are being unreasonable or selfish and you should talk to him about it.

Oh gosh OP what a tough situation and I’m so sorry you find yourself here. I do think you need to raise it with him again; you are not being selfish to want his company. It does sound like he might be burying his head in the sand a bit.

I guess the only thing I’d add is that you don’t say how old the teens are; if they’re young teens might he find himself raising them alone? In which case he really would be better off with a less stressful job anyway?
Will his job give him adequate compassionate leave? I suppose these are things for him to consider in addition to the impact his job is having now.

I am so sorry to hear about your cancer OP, it must be an awful time for all of you, and like others, I'm inclined to think that your OH is burying his head in the sand. This is the sort of thing that mine would do, so I recognise the symptoms. However in your case, there is no time to waste, are there no groups that you have been told about where you might get help and advice? I do hope you can find someone to help you deal with this, as health aside, the emotional side of this must be very painful for you. I really hope that you can find someone to help you and your family through this. Sending you hugs.

I don't think it's remotely selfish to want your husband to allocate some time to spend with you, when you are aware there will not be the luxury of another 20-30 years for him to do that ahead. I would tell him straight that you would like some quality time with him while you're still in a position to enjoy it 💐

DH would absolutely say he hates the hours he works and the pressure he is under. I do think maybe he thinks better the devil you know when he does need compassionate leave etc.

I also think he has a problem saying no which would follow him anywhere. He worked all over Christmas has his boss was off sick and not contactable. However he had no time off recently after covid and two operations of his own . He literally has an op on a Friday and was working on the monday.

He has been working whilst I have waited for appointments and said couldn’t visit me in hospital a couple of times when it was a very very busy time. The fact covid has meant me going on my own the last couple of years (since my initial diagnosis really) has meant he has not had to make any hard decisions.

It’s all a mess!

Oh wow OP this must be tough for you, I agree with PP in that could your DH be using work as a distraction to facing up to what must be a really stressfull situation for you both.

I think you need to have an honest conversation about how you feel but, is it possible for him to take a step back from work a bit, or lighten the load, to enable hum to keep his job but give you some quality time together?

Does his employer know your health situation, if they do they may be understanding about helping with the workload?

His employers do know but I imagine it is a bit of an abstract concept as nothing has changed and I am still relatively well and work part time myself.

He came to bed at 10.30 having just finished (that is unusual) and said he felt a bit unhinged. I honestly don’t know what to do about it all. I said that something really needs to change with it all. I can’t make him do anything.

I think my selfish comments come from saying well what about me when he gives all his spare time and energy to the kids. I can’t say watch TV with me rather than help them with maths!!