Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Grandparents wanting to see baby more than I want to see them.

23 replies

emptyvases7 · 09/05/2022 18:48

Both sets of grandparents have complained they want to see DS (7 months old) more. I don't have the best relationship with MIL and DP works away Monday - Friday so he takes DS round or meets up on a Saturday morning usually. I take DS round to my parents every Monday for a few hours. They have been making lots of stupid and unhelpful comments lately in regards to my parenting an example being my choice to blw, but that's another story. I don't want to see them anymore than once because quite honestly I just don't enjoy it and feel like once a week is plenty. I don't want to be spending a huge bulk of what's left of mat leave pleasing grandparents. AIBU for thinking once a week for each set of GP is plenty? I often wish I the grandparents lives miles away like so many in here seem to, rather then 10 minutes away from us.

OP posts:

Regenbogen22 · 09/05/2022 18:54

Once a week sounds fine to me, especially as they're giving unwanted comments on your parenting.

Cluelessmouse · 09/05/2022 18:56

Once a week is plenty and they wouldn’t get that if they were rude to me

Original poster

emptyvases7 · 09/05/2022 18:57

Any suggestions on how I can address this? Rather than keep making excuses like I've got plans every week when they ask to see us again.

OP posts:

Tillsforthrills · 09/05/2022 18:59

Perhaps you could drop baby off to them when you feel ready? If they’re capable of course. Just thinking that your children will benefit a lot from their love.

Hercisback · 09/05/2022 19:00

Would you let them have baby for a couple of hours and enjoy a rest?

If they're being rude about your parenting I'd say something.

Tillsforthrills · 09/05/2022 19:00

If not then I’d just say for now once a week is enough and that it’s what your parents get too so they don’t feel like it’s unfair.

Original poster

emptyvases7 · 09/05/2022 19:01

Tillsforthrills · 09/05/2022 18:59

Perhaps you could drop baby off to them when you feel ready? If they’re capable of course. Just thinking that your children will benefit a lot from their love.

I already told my mum today when she was making unhelpful comments again as she does every week about DS feeding himself (he actually wants to feed himself anyway, grabs the spoon soon as he sees it) that if she wasn't able to accept and follow the way I've researched and chosen to parent him then I wouldn't trust leaving him, she just rolled her eyes.

OP posts:

DogsAndGin · 09/05/2022 19:04

Once a week, each, seems over the top to me. That would take up all of my free time 🤷🏼‍♀️ YANBU

MarJau26 · 09/05/2022 19:06

Honestly once a week sounds plenty and any more than that would be suffocating for me. If they are making unhelpful comments and you have addressed it and they still do it then take baby around less until they start respecting you.

ihateaparade · 09/05/2022 19:06

In one ear and out the other...they can "want" more time and more visits but it still doesn't translate into a "need". Basically, they get what they get and if they're upset they'll have to manage their own dissatisfaction. Your maternity leave is precious time. I'd protect it at all costs, especially when the visits are becoming increasingly unpleasant. They're extremely fortunate to be so close, distance-wise. Maybe, since once a week isn't good enough for them and you're not enjoying it anyways, you begin to go every other week or for less time. They're going to bitch anyways...

WimpoleHat · 09/05/2022 19:07

Once a week? Each? You’re a saint….

princessrapunzel · 09/05/2022 19:10

I had this happen with mil. She sent a message saying she wants to have him once a week for the day. So i just messaged back and said thanks for the offer but my maternity is going so quickly i dont want to be tied down to any days until i have to... she used to see him roughly once every other week and would always be left with her as i cant stand her.

Dont get me wrong it didnt go down well, her reply was... ok.... and she barely speaks to me now, but im so pleased i said something, that time just goes so quick as it is. It then helped for the future as she knows it wont always go her way and she backed off alot and she kept unwanted comments to herself.

catandcoffee · 09/05/2022 19:45

Can you give more details about what happens at their house..... do they undermind you ,or are they trying to help, in their own way.

NightmareSituation · 09/05/2022 20:07

Sorry DM/DMIL but we have a good routine going and are enjoying socialising with other mums & babies- it’s good for a baby’s development to spend time in different environments and with different people. X

abblie · 09/05/2022 20:11

Why can you not leave your child with their grandparents and have time to yourself. I saw both sets of grandparents on a daily basis growing up and my parents live in my street so my dd not only sees them everyday she sleeps there half the time lol its a fight to get her home

Merryoldgoat · 09/05/2022 20:12

Well, does it matter if you do BLW and if you leave the baby they don’t?

My PIL had DS once a week from 6 months and I basically didn’t care what they did if they were happy.

However my MIL and I are close and she’d never roll her eyes at me.

If you want them to have a relationship I’d maybe try to facilitate one that’s separate.

That’s provided they’re not actually toxic and unpleasant.

Owwlie · 09/05/2022 20:18

Once a week each is plenty. I used to do once on alternate weeks each at this age. I don’t mind if it’s more frequent now they’re older as they can properly interact but as a baby it was mostly just all sat round watching the baby.

I also had lots of unhelpful comments and eye rolls on blw, and just about everything else from safe sleep guidelines to toilet training (only from my parents, MiL says she can’t remember anything she did with hers). I just never left the DC with my parents until the DC were at an age where those things didn’t matter so much. DC1 was 3! They realised then that if I couldn’t trust them they wouldn’t have them alone so it wasn’t as bad with DC2.

user1487194234 · 09/05/2022 20:18

I saw my parents all the time but we are very close and I saw a lot of them before I had DC
it would have been different if they had been annoying

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 09/05/2022 20:26

I expect they're trying to get lots of time in whilst the baby is cute and easy. Wait till they're a toddler, the novelty will have worn off and they probably won't be as bothered once junior starts to dismantle their home 😄

In the meantime, I'd do one grandparent one week and one the other week. Your time is precious during maternity leave.

Jux · 09/05/2022 20:27

As he grows you're going to besigning him up to more activities etc, and so you can will have to drop the visits down to once a fortnight or less.

Meanwhile, just say something like "Monday's your day, we have stuff going on otherwise,"

ComDummings · 09/05/2022 20:30

Once a week is loads

Ducksurprise · 09/05/2022 20:31

Hmmmm. I've sucked up a lot to model behaviour. Ultimately I knew when I was a grandmother I'd want to see my child and grandchild. Imagine how you will feel as a grandmother.

Catsstillrock · 09/05/2022 20:31

No YANBU. And if they are going to be disrespectful/ controlling is cut it back.

ideally you’d be able to talk about this respectfully. But your mum seems to be signalling she can’t / won’t do that.

sounds like your mum is struggling with the shifting roles. Your child becoming a parent puts them at the centre of the family and calling the shots which others have to work with. Some GPs find the loss of status and control hard and try to get it back.

my PIL did - very demanding and controlling. But incapable of having an honest respectful discussion about it. All passive agressive demands.

So I cut contact right down until they got the picture about who is really in charge. They are much more respectful these days.

try one more discussion with your mum and if that gets you nowhere, be unavailable the next few weeks?

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread