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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christening party delimma AIBU

26 replies

JoJoIrishgal · 09/05/2022 18:09

So having a christening for baby. DP and MIL have turned it into a full blown party for them and their friends. I feel genuinely not listened to. We financially can't afford a big party. Each time they bring up who else they have invited it fills me we pure genuine dread.
My idea was close family, god parents and a few friends, 30 ppl max.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 09/05/2022 18:11

Ask them who's footing the bill

Jeschara · 09/05/2022 18:13

No, you need somehow to get your feelings across to both your husband and your MIL.
Dont let this be the thin end of the wedge with his Mother, as she will keep on trying to dominate. Speak to your husband and get some common ground on what you both want.

worraliberty · 09/05/2022 18:14

I think you know you're not BU. The question is what are you going to do about it?

Coldnoseandtoes · 09/05/2022 18:15

If you let this one go it'll just be the first of many times they ignore your POV. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it, there's no point in getting into difficulty to pay for a party. 30 people is more than adequate to celebrate a christening.

Bayleaf25 · 09/05/2022 18:16

Think you need to speak to your DH and then tell your MIL you’re only having a small do with specific invited guests.

girafferaffle · 09/05/2022 18:25

Where is the party bit at? Tell them they're welcome at the church service but after that you only have space for 30 guests afterwards.

Original poster
JoJoIrishgal · 09/05/2022 18:28

Thankyou for your replies. I've spoken to both of them more than once about this to no avail. This isn't the 1st party she has tried to take over. She did similar with my other Daughters christening. I'm not a big party person as it is but they ruin it for me. We also have other kids that have school the next day so they just expect me to take the kids home while they party. All I wanted was immediate family, grandparents, god parents. Every other day I get told more ppl have been asked. Think tally is at 58 now.

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 09/05/2022 18:29

Put your foot down now.

Cakecakecheese · 09/05/2022 18:30

I'd say you're cancelling and just having the service.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2022 18:30

Have you told them where you're having the party etc? Tbh I'd be tempted to not tell her, or can and rebook elsewhere. DH needs to tell her "these people are not coming to our party so you need to tell them our organise your own party

AskingforaBaskin · 09/05/2022 18:34

Cancel it all. Tell them this BS stops now and tell your MIL she will never be involved in any of childrnes parties past attending.
You need to stand up for yourself
They just want a piss up and are using the baby for the excuse.

HSKAT · 09/05/2022 18:34

What do they say when you tell them you don't want it

Parpophone · 09/05/2022 18:35

Well bloody well uninvite them then.

Is your DP going to be covering the extra cost and does he realise that he will be leaving early to sort out bedtime?

Sapphirensteel · 09/05/2022 18:35

Cakecakecheese · 09/05/2022 18:30

I'd say you're cancelling and just having the service.

Ditto. “ The party has got far too big. We’re having church service only”
Then go out with your other children and godparents for a picnic/ pub lunch/ whatever suits you.
I’m amazed at the cheek of grandparents that take over, I just do as I’m told as a granny, makes my life easier.

Parpophone · 09/05/2022 18:41

Oops - have I misconstrued DP?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/05/2022 18:43

Do absolutely no arranging from now on.
Next time Dp/Mil say we've invited xy&z you respond that's nice. So when are you doing the shopping for all the food needed? Have you decided what time you are setting up and sorting out the food & drink before the service?
Any response to you along the lines of I thought you were doing that is
"No, YOU have made this huge so YOU can sort it and pay for it. I will be sorting out the children and getting them to the christening. YOU can sort out everything else. I won't have time."
And stick to it.
They want all the fun & glory without considering the work involved. Why should you be skint & frazzled?
Any requests/demands on you get the same reply. No, sorry I don't have time.

Daisyblush · 09/05/2022 19:24

Ffs grow a pair and tell her no! Or get your dh to. I’d be tempted to just cancel the event and do it another time.

doodlejump1980 · 09/05/2022 19:27

Message everyone and tell them that the venue has been changed to her house.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/05/2022 20:33

I know exactly how you feel. The problem is that your DH is not standing up for you
You have a new baby and other children and I bet you are expected to get the whole lot to church on time, in their Sunday best, The difficulty with that is that whilst you are doing that you cannot physically be in two places at once, arranging the catering/party, not to mention keeping the other children in line and most likely having to stop and feed the baby too.

In practical terms -
add up how much it is costing and who is paying for it.
Decide what jobs are involved. Who is doing the actual work of catering/shopping/decorating/clearing up afterwards etc.
What are you expected to do.
What is he expected to do. Who is looking after all the children and who is clearing up at then end (if they plan to carry on drinking whilst you take the kids home, it really sounds like they haven't thought this through.
Give DH a list of the 30 people YOU wanted to invite.
Remind him that it is a school night and ask if he will be getting the others ready for school the next day, homework, school uniform, sports bag etc.
Say that when the children need to leave he has to come too as you are both parents and you are not dealing with tired, exciting children and a baby on your own.
Write out postal invites to your chosen guests and put a finishing time on it- the time when you plan to take the children home.
Then at least you have laid out your terms. If they argue about it, you can decide what to do then. For me it would be let the people who are inviting whoever they want without asking you do all the work and pay for it too. I know that all of this is easier said than done, so best of luck.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/05/2022 20:35

*it should read excited children, although I am sure they are at times exciting too.

RedHelenB · 09/05/2022 22:34

Why does OPs desire for a small party trump her partners desire for a big one? The only 2 people to decide are the parents, you need to discuss this with your partner OP and reach sone sort of compromise

AskingforaBaskin · 09/05/2022 22:37

RedHelenB · 09/05/2022 22:34

Why does OPs desire for a small party trump her partners desire for a big one? The only 2 people to decide are the parents, you need to discuss this with your partner OP and reach sone sort of compromise

Money

Everydayimhuffling · 09/05/2022 22:46

Time for a strop, OP. If they won't listen then I would be loudly wshing my hands of it all and refusing to organise anything, order or prepare food, or even get the kids ready/take them home. I'd be going for the ceremony and then saying a quick hello to the people I knew/wanted there and going home by myself. Lovely time to yourself until your DP brings the kids home. He wants a big bash, he can organise it and deal with the kids. I wonder how much he wants that without you facilitating his partying by looking after the kids.

chisanunian · 09/05/2022 22:59

I hope someone's remembered to invite the vicar.

<misses point of thread entirely>

LuluBlakey1 · 09/05/2022 23:04

Ours were godparents, grandparents, great-grandmas and us - back to ours for wedding/christening cake, champagne and photos. All gone after 90 mins.