Please help remind me that work is just work and it doesn’t need to take over my life. Anxious and being bullied.

[Burnouty]

First of all, im so embarrassed to say that in my late 30’s in a senior management position I am
being bullied by my manager. Im off sick and cannot see any way I can go back. I feel on the verge of a panic attack constantly. I’ve been off 7 weeks now. It’s horrendous and massively impacting my personal life. Advice and positive stories of overcoming this please.

I need to submit a complaint but the process fills me with dread and what do I do in the meantime? Help!

Hate to say it but HR are unlikely to give a shite. When I was being bullied they just suggested ‘speaking to my manager’. Hardly helpful given she was the one bullying me 🤔 I pushed back and they did nothing. I left in the end. In my new job I do my job and nothing else. I share nothing about my personal life with colleagues and it helps as no-one has anything on me. Work is work and that’s it.

That seems to be my experience too unfortunately. Thanks for responding.

It depends how strongly you feel about the justice of whether you let them get away with it. Do you feel strong enough if you do get the complaint in what's the worse that can happen and stay off with the proviso that you will only return to a different manager and if you dont feel up to that you dont. That's okay the people at work dont matter who cares what they think. You matter, your DH your family.. work does not define who you are.

You’re right. None of it really matters in the grand scheme of things. I will deal with it and regardless of the outcome will be O.K.

You are not alone. This happened to me in my current workplace. It made me so ill that I thought of ending it. In the end I didn’t leave the company, but changed boss and department and it was if I was working in another place. It has had a lasting impact though. In retrospect I wish I had made a compliant but was worried about losing my job and not being able to fulfill my financial commitments to my family. Alot of people have given good advice on what you could do. Get some help from Citizens Advice. Stay strong.

A job or career is not worth your mental health, I'd rather be on the bones of my arse than have my sanity destroyed. It happens all to frequently and nobody should have to put up with it.

Don't go back.

I'm so sorry. Am in a very similar position. It takes over your life I know.
Sending kind thoughts and care your way x

My heart goes out to you, was in the same situation some years ago and was on sick leave for 9 mths while official complaint was processed. Returned to work but in different department - the difference was day and night. This was local government, no bullying policy in place at the time BUT 8 years later already damaged by my action was dismissed, no early pension etc.

My tips
Stay on sick leave, assume you have confided in GP the reason, if not do so
as you need to lay down evidence - may not be needed but is the start of taking some control. You could be sent by employer to independent doctor for assessment after a certain period, do not panic - GO explain the situation (you may get quite upset doing this, I did and had to look at the wall while trying to explain the work situation) strange I know but only way I could do it! Company doctor recommended I stay on sick leave.

Work on official complaint do give examples with details, dates and times - this can be tough/upsetting - I wrote it all down first just as it came emotionally and then was able to re-read it after a week or so to present a report.

Contact Union, ACAS, Labour Relations Agency (were very understanding, helpful and offered a session of free legal advice which was very empowering.
Maybe an employment lawyer if you can afford?

Be kind to yourself - enjoy the small things maybe a walk during the day, a few pot plants, yoga classes and breathing helped when I woke in panic in the early hours.

DO NOT allow yourself to feel guilt in any way for having to take sick leave because a sad, insecure rat/person is making themselves feel better by belittling you (and guessing others) - their problem not yours.

Look in the mirror and say aloud ' I will NOT allow NAME to do this to me or my life'
I felt such a fool doing this and only whispered at the start - it does help. Do this many times a day or when awake at night.

Take care of yourself

Such make it clear the bully was dismissed

Brilliant advice. Thank you so much. Sorry you (and to the others that have responded) have gone through this too.

My worry with staying on sick leave is that work independent doctor (from work) has said I am fit to work, but not with this person. I agree. But in the meantime is it wrong to stay off sick if still not resolved?

I seem to have lost the ability to make decisions and feel confident in my own competence.

OP just wanted to say I had a male friend in your position. It broke him. Thank God he left. I remember he was amazed to get a load of great interviews really fast with such positive feedback and went on to shoot the lights out at his next role.

I was in a similar position once. I didn't go off sick but I did leave. Funnily enough the bully then started on someone else, and I felt somehow vindicated when I heard. People are afraid to stick up for you when it's happening - they keep their heads down (and who can blame them; we all have livelihoods to lose).

Ugh, I’m so embarrassed by it all. I feel pathetic

Do not feel embarrassed or pathetic, easy for me to say now several years on the other side. You will be surprised when you speak to people how many have experienced similar workplace situations.

Your work doctor has supported you in the report and thrown the ball firmly back to your employer and HR.
Do not return to work - it is now their situation to deal with.

Do try an get your official complaint submitted as will support doctor's findings, you do not want to give them the excuse of being unaware of the situation.

Keep trying the mirror thing, a friend told me about it when I was on sick leave and couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, let alone leave the house. I did it 5/6 times a day and when I woke at night - it helped when I was writing the official complaint.

Take care

I keep waiting for others in positions of support to help me with this but no one seems to know what to do. I need to just take control and get it done. Can I keep working once this is submitted though?

Been there - bullying, lying, been manipulated, patronised, micro managed the lot. And really, really regretted not making a complaint. Thankful to have moved on and slowly getting used to been treated like a human being.

Keep a diary, write down the abuse, go to work and if it continues make a complaint. Note any witnesses. I refused to have a meeting with my problem colleague alone.

And look for another role- life is too short to put up with this.

Been there OP and really feel for you. I was in the same position many years ago.
I went the distance, 3 months on sick leave, submitted a grievance and on legal advice parted ways via a compromise agreement.
Although I left with a good package, if I were to turn back time I. Not sure I would do it again. No amount of money is worth the stress of going through the process and even at tribunal the amounts of money are not huge.
Walk away the bigger person and move on with your life.

Thank you everyone. These messages really help me to focus and not continue ruminating on it all. It has honestly taken over my life. I think about it from the moment I wake up to when I fall asleep. Reading your replies helps me to find perspective.

How are things going now?