To ask ex to take responsibility for calling his child?

Original poster

Mummymummam · 09/05/2022 10:34

between not after!

OP posts:

Unanananana · 09/05/2022 10:47

'Jog on' would be my answer. You are not his PA.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/05/2022 11:22

Can't you just reply 'yeah that suits us just call anytime between then', bat it back to him.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 09/05/2022 11:24

Could you bat it back with a time frame? DC will be free of you call between 7-7:30 or something like.

Silversprinkles · 09/05/2022 11:25

Of course you're not unreasonable. I'd reply "you want to talk to them, you call. I'm not taking responsibility for this as well as 24/7 parenting".

What. A. Nob.

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 11:27

Video calls do require some scheduling unlike a phone call. You’d have to facilitate one no matter what due to the age of your DC as under 5S. It think it’s unreasonable to expect him to just call with FaceTime or Skype or whatever at any moment and expect you’ll be ready to drop everything and do a video call.

I think his text is a good initial text to try and schedule a time with you as he’s giving a window. He is taking responsibility. I’d be messaging back with ‘8pm is perfect, please call then’ or some such.

Squillerman · 09/05/2022 11:27

In future just tell him to call at x time and if he doesn’t, that’s on him.

Tothemoonandbackx · 09/05/2022 11:30

I'd reply with, "is there any particular reason YOU can't call between then, YOU are the parent after all arent you"?? Or something to that effect. What a weird thing for him to ask, lazy parenting at it's best!!!!

worraliberty · 09/05/2022 11:32

I wouldn't mind this really because under 5 year olds are a bit unpredictable, so it's best the child calls when they're free. Otherwise he could be in the middle of a poo or something

Tothemoonandbackx · 09/05/2022 11:34

@Discovereads what he should have asked was, "is it OK if I can call DC between 7 and 8" this would give mum the chance to respond with a yes, no or yes but could it be 7:30. I think that's the point of the post.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/05/2022 11:35

Of course you're not being unreasonable, don't do it and if he asks why you didn't call say (as a previous poster pointed out) I'm not your PA, if you want to speak to your child you know what to do.

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 11:42

Tothemoonandbackx · 09/05/2022 11:34

@Discovereads what he should have asked was, "is it OK if I can call DC between 7 and 8" this would give mum the chance to respond with a yes, no or yes but could it be 7:30. I think that's the point of the post.

So the wording isn’t perfect. But he’s still taking responsibility by initiating communication with the OP to do a video call. To me, not taking responsibility would be OP having to imitate communication and chase him down to get a video call scheduled. As he reached out first, I don’t see the responsibility issue.

Tothemoonandbackx · 09/05/2022 11:48

@Discovereads yes his wording wasn't perfect, and he has taken some responsibility in wanting to facilitate a phone call, but I think what the OP is saying is that he's now put the responsibility on her to make sure she gets their DC to call him, rather than him do it the other way round.

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 12:30

Tothemoonandbackx · 09/05/2022 11:48

@Discovereads yes his wording wasn't perfect, and he has taken some responsibility in wanting to facilitate a phone call, but I think what the OP is saying is that he's now put the responsibility on her to make sure she gets their DC to call him, rather than him do it the other way round.

The DC are under 5yrs old. They can neither call him nor receive a call from him without the OP facilitating it. So I still don’t see the issue? If she prefers him to call them at a set time, she can just say so. He’s not a mind reader, he doesn’t know what she prefers given the DC schedules.

It’s much better communication to just respond and work out a time for him to call than some of the passive aggressive suggestions on here. I mean “jog on” WTAF kind of response is that?

BaaMoon · 09/05/2022 12:34

Mummymummam · 09/05/2022 10:33

Ex didn't do much when we were together. All mental load was for me.

Now he sees dc (under 5) for a couple hours once a week.

He texted me "tell dc to call me after between 7 and 8pm"

So on top of parenting, working, cooking, entertaining, tidying, etc. I need to remember to facilitate a vid call?

Why can't he just call? If we're free, we'll answer.

AIBU to reply that dc can't tell the time? He just needs to take responsibility for calling

I get what you're saying but it's less intrusive if DC calls - they can call when you're ready to rather than have to answer when he calls. If you'd rather he just call just get back to him and say yes you can ring anytime between 7-730 or whatever it is.

DDivaStar · 09/05/2022 12:49

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 11:27

Video calls do require some scheduling unlike a phone call. You’d have to facilitate one no matter what due to the age of your DC as under 5S. It think it’s unreasonable to expect him to just call with FaceTime or Skype or whatever at any moment and expect you’ll be ready to drop everything and do a video call.

I think his text is a good initial text to try and schedule a time with you as he’s giving a window. He is taking responsibility. I’d be messaging back with ‘8pm is perfect, please call then’ or some such.

This.

You or ds would need to be looking at the tablet to know ex was calling. So arranging a time in advance makes sense.

Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 12:53

Video calls do not need scheduling more than voice calls.

Ex should suggest a window to call, OP can confirm if that works, and then EX should call, not OP or his son.

Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 12:54

You or ds would need to be looking at the tablet to know ex was calling. So arranging a time in advance makes sense.

Tablets do have sound / ring tones

Original poster

Mummymummam · 09/05/2022 13:18

Tothemoonandbackx · 09/05/2022 11:48

@Discovereads yes his wording wasn't perfect, and he has taken some responsibility in wanting to facilitate a phone call, but I think what the OP is saying is that he's now put the responsibility on her to make sure she gets their DC to call him, rather than him do it the other way round.

Yes this! I don't really want to be responsible to anything he can do himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummymummam · 09/05/2022 13:20

BaaMoon · 09/05/2022 12:34

I get what you're saying but it's less intrusive if DC calls - they can call when you're ready to rather than have to answer when he calls. If you'd rather he just call just get back to him and say yes you can ring anytime between 7-730 or whatever it is.

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Yes I do understand this. But if he calls and it is at an intrusive time. As in on the toilet, mid tantrum we just dont pick up? And call back when we're free.

I just think he should do something. Also he is saying tell dc like the responsibility won't be mine.

OP posts:

BaaMoon · 09/05/2022 15:02

Mummymummam · 09/05/2022 13:20

Yes I do understand this. But if he calls and it is at an intrusive time. As in on the toilet, mid tantrum we just dont pick up? And call back when we're free.

I just think he should do something. Also he is saying tell dc like the responsibility won't be mine.

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Ah I see. I get you. I'd just give him A time slot and say try us between these times.

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 15:13

Also he is saying tell dc like the responsibility won't be mine.

I read that as asking you to let them know. Surely you’d want your DC to know they’re going to be talking with their dad in advance?

Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 15:22

I read that as asking you to let them know. Surely you’d want your DC to know they’re going to be talking with their dad in advance?

Why do they need to be prepared to speak to their own dad? He just needs to call them.

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 15:27

Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 15:22

I read that as asking you to let them know. Surely you’d want your DC to know they’re going to be talking with their dad in advance?

Why do they need to be prepared to speak to their own dad? He just needs to call them.

Maybe it’s a parenting difference then. I’d always talk to my DC from about age 2 and tell them the days events at breakfast. Such as “today we are going to see Nana and then go play at the park. Dinner will be fish and chips.” A scheduled video chat with their dad is something I would mention to them in that context.

Original poster

Mummymummam · 09/05/2022 15:42

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 15:27

Maybe it’s a parenting difference then. I’d always talk to my DC from about age 2 and tell them the days events at breakfast. Such as “today we are going to see Nana and then go play at the park. Dinner will be fish and chips.” A scheduled video chat with their dad is something I would mention to them in that context.

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Yes I do that too, but not for video calls with dad. He should just call.

Also he said tell dc to call. Like he's waiting and they have to be on schedule and if not its my fault. Bad mummy, I've let the schedule down and I don't want to have that.

I've got loads of other parenting things to juggle and it's not anywhere near 50/50. The expectation is setting me up to fail maybe not on this call, but on one of the call requests somewhere down the line if Im late or forget.

OP posts: