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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you have unknowns in your relationship?

20 replies

clematis76 · 09/05/2022 09:46

I have an anxiety disorder and I want to gauge if this is normal for others and how you cope.

In your current relationship, are there any unknowns about the past you've just accepted?
I don't mean that you saw texts that were overly friendly with a colleague and haven't got to the bottom. I mean more obscure unknowns where it could be innocent completely and you have no evidence to the contrary but it doesn't add up?

For example, if your OH had a night out where he stayed out til the next day, and you don't know where he was, but there's no reason to believe it's dodgy beyond other people's stories?
It doesn't necessarily need to consume you like it does me, but it might niggle at you on days you remember. A bit of an 'oh that was odd' moment.

I have quite a few of these and I have forgotten about them for periods of times. They're years old. But I have recently remembered them and now I can't stop thinking about it. I will never truly know the truth because I can't go back in time and I didn't ask the correct questions back then, but equally, I can't remember everything. It makes me feel uneasy and I don't know what other people do.

YABU: this is definitely just your anxiety disorder - most other people don't have this in their relationship

YANBU: this happens to everyone, there's a way to deal with it

OP posts:
Crispyturtle · 09/05/2022 09:52

I don’t really understand what you mean.

what did your OH say when you asked him where he was? Do you think he lied to you? If this is the case then no, I don’t have any instances of times where I think my OH has lied to me and I let it slide.

It sounds like you have some trust issues in your relationship.

MarJau26 · 09/05/2022 09:55

Do you mean there's things in the past that you have never asked him about but is bothering you now?
Dh and I discuss anything, there's nothing we feel we can't ask each other. Do you feel there's some things that you can't speak to your dp about?

veronicagoldberg · 09/05/2022 10:02

No. I don't have anything like this in my relationship.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/05/2022 10:06

Do you mean things from your own relationship or things which predate it?

I don't have anything like this from the duration of my relationship with my partner (3.5 years). If there was anything I was unsettled by I would have asked and acted depending on the response, as opposed to leaving it lingering on.

From stuff that predates my relationship I take the view that apart from really serious, life-changing things I need to know about (such as the existence of children, for example, or if my partner had committed a crime), it doesn't really concern me.

Original poster
clematis76 · 09/05/2022 10:12

My DH has never stayed out - it was purely an example.

Sorry if I'm not clear.

I'll give a personal example: DH once was downloading the app for the Ring doorbell and iCloud said to enter his password, but it was for his old iCloud on appstore, which he apparently stopped using. Since he has explained it and the explanation is fine. However, I still think about it as a 'what if...' (because on the old icloud is when he had apps like Tinder and I wonder if it's so he could download similar). I have absolutely no reason to believe he has been on a dating app (plus I like to think my single friends would have seen and told me if so)

OP posts:
MadameDragon · 09/05/2022 10:15

In the example you give from your own relationship I think that is anxiety because you have to take a couple of steps from what you saw to what you are thinking about.
The example of staying out all night is different.
I don’t have anything like that in my marriage.

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 10:17

Oh, so these aren’t unknowns per se as he has given you explanations but you have doubts and your mind goes to what if scenarios. In the example, I have to say it’s a real stretch to think that because he’s used an old iCloud for the Ring app, that that means he’s got Tinder hidden on there and is currently using it. To me, that is anxiety caused.

But anxiety is how you are handling doubts about your partner. You evidently do not completely trust him…has he given you cause in the past to not trust him?

BluegrassBlues · 09/05/2022 10:21

Loads of unknowns. He's never stayed out til the next day, but there are countless times where he goes somewhere and I've never corroborated where. I trust him, and that's a choice (I've been very untrusting in the past).

On your example - I really do think it's your anxiety talking. Are you getting help for it?

LightEveningsAreBack · 09/05/2022 10:23

Nope, nothing like this in my relationship. I don't understand how you get from old icloud password to dating apps, sorry? I still have my old icloud, it has pictures in there, I still have the password. My relationship with my husband pre dates dating apps. I wouldn't even know to be suspicious about something like that. I've never had a reason to doubt my husband, we are on the same page, our attitude is we wouldn't be together if we wanted other people, what's the point? We are barely apart and both exhausted after work anyway, like we could be arsed having a wild affair 🤣.

What you describe isn't normal anyway, unless something has happened before, I guess you'd be suspicious about everything.

LindaEllen · 09/05/2022 10:49

When DP and I first got together, there was a woman who was trying to cause trouble between us. It was complicated - he'd helped her through a tough time and she'd fallen for him, but didn't want to be with him, but didn't want anyone else to be with him either.

He went away for the weekend to an 80s weekend with people he worked with and he went out for a meal before he went, as he went straight from work. I have always suspected (and do have some evidence, but not damning evidence) that he met up with this woman. Possibly to tell her to go away - she's not been heard of since.. but I would have liked to have known how he'd handled it.

I will never know, it seems odd to ask almost 5 years later, but seeing as she's stopped causing issues I'm better just leaving well alone.

Original poster
clematis76 · 09/05/2022 10:49

Thanks everyone, it's interesting.

This is what I mean though, things I have no basis for thinking anything worrying, but a huge 'what if'.

I suppose I see the opposite a lot - someone tells a story of their DH's behaviour and I immediately think 'that's dodgy' but they don't / don't care for details.

It doesn't help that later on I turn out to be right.

I was receiving NHS therapy and she was amazing but I am back on waiting list as I've got worse.

Do you just trust unless something is VERY obvious? (for example, seeing dodgy text messages / hidden chats or something)

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/05/2022 10:57

clematis76 · 09/05/2022 10:49

Thanks everyone, it's interesting.

This is what I mean though, things I have no basis for thinking anything worrying, but a huge 'what if'.

I suppose I see the opposite a lot - someone tells a story of their DH's behaviour and I immediately think 'that's dodgy' but they don't / don't care for details.

It doesn't help that later on I turn out to be right.

I was receiving NHS therapy and she was amazing but I am back on waiting list as I've got worse.

Do you just trust unless something is VERY obvious? (for example, seeing dodgy text messages / hidden chats or something)

I would trust someone unless they give me a reason not to.

Do you have reason to distrust DH? (I can't see why the icloud example would be enough).

Sugarpiehoney · 09/05/2022 11:52

Do you just trust unless something is VERY obvious? (for example, seeing dodgy text messages / hidden chats or something)

Yes because you have to or it will consume you. If you doubted every single thing without SOLID evidence you’d never get anywhere. Sometimes you just have to accept that you can’t know everything and that you will learn what you need to learn. Control the controllable and accept some things you can’t control.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/05/2022 12:28

I think FWIW the example you have provided is pretty innocuous. I wouldn't give something like this a second thought. It's not something you can or should want to control. If you're routinely overthinking stuff like this, and as long as your DH's actual behaviour isn't giving you anything to worry about, I would say that's anxiety.

DangerouslyBored · 09/05/2022 12:30

No, I have nothing like this in my current relationship (married). I couldn’t and wouldn’t live like this.

You deserve better.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/05/2022 12:33

Sugarpiehoney · 09/05/2022 11:52

Do you just trust unless something is VERY obvious? (for example, seeing dodgy text messages / hidden chats or something)

Yes because you have to or it will consume you. If you doubted every single thing without SOLID evidence you’d never get anywhere. Sometimes you just have to accept that you can’t know everything and that you will learn what you need to learn. Control the controllable and accept some things you can’t control.

Also this.
It's neither practical nor desirable to have total visibility over what your partner is doing. And you wouldn't want him to have total visibility over your life.

There has to be a baseline level of trust in a relationship in order for it to continue but that doesn't mean you have to be able to rule out the possibility of anything dodgy ever going on. Seeking to do this will both really frustrate him and drive you slightly nuts.

RealBecca · 09/05/2022 13:10

It doesnt happen in most relationships and it's not your anxiety

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/05/2022 13:17

How do you know his passwords? Let alone know that he was using an old one?

I find that strange in itself tbh.

springbreak22 · 09/05/2022 13:22

How long have you been together

BigFatLiar · 09/05/2022 13:23

If I knew about them they wouldn't be unknown.

There are things that we do separately where we're not bothered about knowing the details.

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