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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my marriage over?

16 replies

Notsorosy · 08/05/2022 19:52

Hello,

First time poster so please don't flame me.

Married with two small kids, 5 & 2, both work full time. I am miserable. All we do is argue, never intimate anymore. Everything is a battle between us. Who is more tired, who deserves a break etc, its always him. Even though I have barely been away from the children (bar work) since we had them. He has plently of lads trips.

If we didn't have the kids I'm not sure we would be together.

He is a good Dad, does lots of parenting but the entire mental load, admin and alot of the housework falls to me on top of a very demanding job. For example I took 20 minutes out yesterday to get my eyebrows done and he asked me what they were having for lunch. I exploded, look in the fridge and figure it out. The expectation (although he would never outright say it) is that outside of childcare days I am responsible for thinking of meals. Same goes for clothes, activities, medical appointments etc. Its exhausting and builds so much resentment.

So I guess my AIBU is it the hard stage of small children or is the marriage over?

Keen to hear from others.

OP posts:

devildeepbluesea · 08/05/2022 19:54

My only question is why would you want to stay with such a dickhead?

StoneofDestiny · 08/05/2022 20:02

If you want to have a shot at it surviving, try marriage guidance. Don't put up with this indefinitely.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 08/05/2022 20:04

He sounds like a great uncle and a shit dad to be honest.

book the trip away. You'll soon see whether he is a great dad after all.

99Luftballon · 08/05/2022 20:07

FEIW I found 4 and 2 the hardest ages and that took its toll. Do you want to work on it? Does he? Have you communicated this? It's hard not to be accusatory and he will just get defensive if you do.

Writing it down can sometimes help here because it gives you time to phrase it, to be cathartic for you too, and it gives the receiver time to not fly off the handle straight into defensive mode.

MarvellousMay · 08/05/2022 20:11

I’ve definitely felt this way. The expectation that I’ve organised everything is completely draining. What we are going to eat. Where we are going at the weekend. Who we are seeing etc. When you add in the housework and childcare it feels like you’re fighting the fight solo.

Whether there is hope or not depends on his attitude and your determination to force a change. Why haven’t you been away (for example) and yet he has? Why do you do all of the house admin when you both work? Start delegating tasks to him and address the in balance. Force him to do his share. Otherwise the resentment builds and builds and then it’s game over.

MyBrilliantFriend · 08/05/2022 20:13

You are in a difficult stage with the dc for sure. It’s probably the time DH & I found hardest on our relationship for lots of reasons. DC still wake early etc, time to be intimate was v limited & that had a knock on effect on how we were with each other generally.

It was also a time we needed to renegotiate household chores etc - things slipped from when I was on mat leave & could do more and then we needed to work out a better balance once I was back at work. However, he was always open to discussing things & being equal in everything.

MaChienEstUnDick · 08/05/2022 20:16

Small children are hard, there's no doubt. But they don't get magically easier in terms of the time/mental load that you need to put into them. Even when they go to school, there's school runs, packed lunches, who's sorting the gym kit, inset days, sickness, three parties on one weekend, reading...

So if you love him, or you aren't keen to break up your marriage, I'd suggest marriage counselling. The mental load is real, but it doesn't have to be uneven.

Staynow · 08/05/2022 20:22

I think you need to start talking to each other like you would a friend rather than like a married couple that have had enough. So when he asks what they're having for lunch instead of exploding say 'could you have a look in the fridge and whip something up for them please'. When he says he's planning a lads trip say 'no problem, just so you know I'm planning a trip on x date too'.

Then get a cleaner. If he can afford lads trips away you can afford a cleaner. You've got too much on your plate so outsource what you can and ask him to help you with the things you can't. Why don't you all eat the same meals together and have the same sort of things each day of the week, so every Saturday lunch you all have ham sandwiches or jacket potato or battered fish and salad or whatever - that way everyone knows what's happening and it's all quite simple.

ButtockUp · 08/05/2022 20:29

Sorry... how are you barely away from the children if you do bar work?

Regardless... your children's lives aren't down to you.
You both need to sing from the same hymn sheet.

You both don't.

Think that you need to think about the best way forward for you all.

CheshireCats · 08/05/2022 20:33

@ButtockUp op means "except for work "(bar work)

Dixiechickonhols · 08/05/2022 20:41

Buttockup Op means bar work as apart from work not that she works in a bar.
I think you need to book a babysitter and have some time together to talk. You aren’t the family manager - if you die tomorrow he’d have to figure the whole shebang out. Have concrete examples - appointments, lunch etc.
If underneath you are wanting to carry on I’d agree a plan and then stick to it. Divide jobs. Throw money at it if you can eg cleaner.
I’d have a plan eg lunch at weekend is always sandwiches. No need to ask as it’s on planner and we always have spaghetti Bolognese on a Tuesday.

Original poster

Notsorosy · 08/05/2022 20:49

Thanks all.

Apologies yes I meant "except work". Work is 9 to 5 but more like a 60 hour week.

I have tried the writing down jobs and it was very evident how much I did, he said he would do x, maybe would for a week or two then it falls by the wayside.

I'm very meticulous and organised, do things in advance. He is very last minute, do things in a blaze of unnecessary stress. So I think fundamentally very different.

I also think because he minds the kids alot, he genuinely believes its 50/50. How do you change that belief.

OP posts:

PortalooSunset · 08/05/2022 20:51

I really feel for you. Our relationship was pretty similar for a while there when the dc were small. I'm not sure I'd recommend what started the fix though - I got meningitis! Overnight dh had to be the one to do the thinking. It took me months to get back to normal. When I was up to it he went back to crazy working hours again and it started to all fall to me again. I'd moan and he'd pull his socks up for a bit but it wore off again. Then covid hit and he started working from home. I am NHS so was still going out every day. He basically took over everything from that point and I haven't looked back!

ButtockUp · 09/05/2022 08:15

Apologies.

KangarooKenny · 09/05/2022 08:23

You’ve said the word that is the final nail in the coffin - resentment.
Time to move on.

nzeire · 09/05/2022 08:24

I’m so glad I stuck in there.
I think we slip into roles, and it didn’t seem fair at the time and I was full of rage having to ask him to do stuff.
but you know what, I let it go. He is a fantastic dad, can work from a list, is a great person, just really shit at being the ceo of our home and family. I’m really good at it.

kids now nearly adults and we’re all in it together. It drives ME mad when they don’t do it in my timeframe or to my expectations. That’s on me. So, I tell them what and how I want doing

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