To put the kids over my husband

[Yolo89]

DH is alcohol dependent. He lives apart due to this but is here every day. Last weekend he turned up intoxicated at 11am when he was supposed to take the children out, then left saying he wasn't in a fit state, then five hours later turned up again after falling asleep in a public space and being woken up. What a. Earth do I do now. I don't want to let him in the house. I know he is suffering deep trauma and so needs help

You put your kids over your husband is exactly what you do.

Tell your husband to fuck off and come back when he's 12 months sober

He will traumatise your children if you let them witness this behaviour. Stand firm and put your kids first.

I would - perhaps controversially to some - say that in any circumstances the kids come before the husband.

In your circumstances you absolutely MUST put your children first. There also comes a point, no matter the past trauma and the sympathy that your husband might deserve for that, where you also have to put your needs first. It doesn't seem like you're doing that - his past should not impact your future. Protect your children, and prioritise yourself. You matter too

Do you really need to ask? He can be a part of the kids lives when he is sober. Maybe that will give him the kick he needs to get help.

I know you are right. It's just so hard as he has deep deep trauma. However he is now traumatising the children and i . Last week my children saw him.drunk and my daughter barricaded the door so he wouldn't leave again as we were worried about him. He blamed her paranoia on me!!!!! She slept by the door that night. It was hideous. I don't want it any more . I just don't know how to do it. Can he see them at all?

THe problem is whatever deep deep trauma he has he is now revisiting on his own children.

She was scared for him to leave so she barricaded him in a room - that is creating trauma for her.

You protect them from further trauma

Maybe don't let him in the house, but choose a location where he will feel pressure to be sober, eg a coffee shop, park, soft play , somewhere public where he can't make the kids afraid and maybe will have enough sense to know that he can't make a show of himself?

This must be really hard for you. There is no easy answer, as it sounds like you all still love him but just want him sober . Has he received treatment?

I really feel for you. I lived with an alcoholic husband for 30 years, till he died. It is not good for children. You should put your children first; as a previous poster suggests, your doing that may move him towards seeking help and achieving sobriety. I tried a balancing act - it didn’t work.He does need help, but he has to realise that and act on that realisation. Protect the children.

Honestly, do your kids even want to see him? This is causing your children more harm than good.

He needs to go away and sort himself out. The kids will still be there when he is sober and steady enough to be a father to them.

You divorce, aiming for full custody with supervised visitation. He isn't safe to look after the children alone, and frankly, you are living a half life in this half marriage.

Oh and I grew up with a drunk step father.

It's fucking shit!

No. He can’t see them.
This may change in the future but right now it’s a no.

Give yourself permission to feel sad about this. But stand firm. Don’t let his trauma become their trauma. Explain that he is so unwell that he needs to focus on that alone before he can be a dad to them. Find counselling for them. Suggest they write to him if they would like but let them know they won’t be able to hear back from him.
💐. It’s an awful situation for you to be dealing with. Al-anon can give you support

Letters and video contact until sober, then supervised visitation and only then free visits. That's what I'd do. Not sure if right thing to do but I wouldn't do it any other way x