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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dating is too difficult

27 replies

LonelyInAutumn · 07/05/2022 17:21

I'm almost 24 and I just can't figure out how dating works. I've had one "relationship" but my ex was emotionally abuse, insecure etc. Recently I'd been talking to a guy for a while and we'd had a couple of dates but I was ghosted, the exact same thing happened around this time last year with a different guy and I'm feeling pretty defeated and a bit sad tbh. I know some people will say I'm still young and have my whole life ahead of me etc which I do agree with, however, I do feel like I'm at a point where I'd like to establish a meaningful connection with someone, I guess I just want to be appreciated. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing wrong. I'm not looking to settle down and have kids right now but, it would just be nice to have someone to get coffe with, go for a walk and hold hands with (yes I know it's a bit corny, I gagged too lol). Not sure what I really want from this but to vent I guess. Thanks for reading :)

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 07/05/2022 17:33

Hi there. You are still young as you say ,no need for a panic just yet. My dd has the same issue online .many dating sites don't seem to attract sincere people. Do you have friends who have boyfriends whose friends are unattached maybe ? Anyone at work who seems nice . You are not unreasonable at all

MatildaTheCat · 07/05/2022 17:33

I’m old and the world of dating has changed completely but OLD seems a huge minefield and lots of luck and heartache involved. Can you try to meet people in RL like in the olden days?

im sure you will meet people in time but I hear you.

something2say · 07/05/2022 17:36

The thing to do is develop your own life. Stuff you're interested in and want to do. You'll meet people through that, and you'll be fulfilled and happy at the same time x

Kite22 · 07/05/2022 17:44

something2say · 07/05/2022 17:36

The thing to do is develop your own life. Stuff you're interested in and want to do. You'll meet people through that, and you'll be fulfilled and happy at the same time x

This is exactly what I was going to say.

Stop thinking about dating as being an end goal, and get out and about doing things where you meet and mix with different people, doing things you enjoy doing.

Original poster
LonelyInAutumn · 07/05/2022 17:46

@MatildaTheCat with the way the world is, everything is done via social media/apps, I feel like I have no idea how to meet potential dates irl. I live in a city that has the bare minimum in relation to things to do/places to visit and I feel so stuck, it takes me almost two hours to get to the next big city

OP posts:
bakewellbride · 07/05/2022 17:47

You're a year younger than I was when I met my husband! Honestly enjoy being 24, it's such a young age.

Original poster
LonelyInAutumn · 07/05/2022 17:47

@dottiedodah all of my friends are single so that's not an option and at my work it's a very quiet, small shop so only me and the manager, I think I need to get out more because online dating doesn't seem to bring me joy ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
LonelyInAutumn · 07/05/2022 17:49

@something2say this is what I really want and why I'm working to get my driving license. I live in a small city with hardly anything to go and the next big, developed city is about a 2 hour journey for me. Thank you for the advice :)

OP posts:
Greatoutdoors · 07/05/2022 17:50

I find it hard to believe there isn’t something locally you would enjoy getting involved in. What are your hobbies, or if you don’t have any what would you like them to be?
I agree that OLD is soul destroying. I’m single too (much older than you with teenage kids and a divorce under my belt) and I’ve stepped away from the apps. Hopefully I’ll meet someone naturally but my life is pretty full anyway, so I’m less concerned. I understand it feels more pressing at your stage in life though.

Original poster
LonelyInAutumn · 07/05/2022 17:50

@Kite22 haha is this what my mom has said. I know you're both right and I'm working towards this but I still can't help but feel sad at times

OP posts:
Original poster
LonelyInAutumn · 07/05/2022 17:51

@bakewellbride thank you for your perspective :) x

OP posts:
Original poster
LonelyInAutumn · 07/05/2022 17:53

@Greatoutdoors it's true that there's not much in my city to do which is why I want to pass my driving test so bad (failed twice now). I'd love to go to a wine tasting or walk at a nice nature reserve/botanical garden. Would also love to attend comic-con and try different foods

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 07/05/2022 17:59

Lonelyinautumn keep going with your driving. Honestly it will change your life. I think comic con and the things you mention sound great .you often meet someone when you least expect it

Greatoutdoors · 07/05/2022 18:00

Comic con sounds like a great way to meet people, and your other interests sound nice too. What’s your social life like? Do you have a single friend you can do these things with?
Definitely keep up the driving!

Original poster
LonelyInAutumn · 07/05/2022 18:05

@dottiedodah I will keep going with the driving (although I must say I'm not feeling too optimistic) I think if I pass it will help me get rid of this feeling of needing romance as I'll have more independence to do things solo

OP posts:
Original poster
LonelyInAutumn · 07/05/2022 18:07

@Greatoutdoors tbh I have a pretty decent social life. I'm in my second year of uni and in my group of friends (including me) there are 6 of us, all single. We met at a society so we have common interests. I wish I knew where my want/need for a relationship was coming from

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AchatAVendre · 07/05/2022 18:22

YANBU. I don't see the point in this intensive online dating so that it almost becomes an all consuming pastime. Whey not just live your life and if you meet someone then date them?

MrOllivander · 08/05/2022 01:28

You can meet someone in the strangest ways. I went to uni so dating was totally different there and I'm not brave enough for online!
The guy I'm dating I met via ordering a takeaway and we got chatting on Instagram GrinBlush

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/05/2022 01:32

We met at a society so we have common interests.

What is the interest and can you meet more people through it?

Superhanz · 08/05/2022 02:04

I do think social media and OLD has made meeting someone significant much more difficult. People become dispensable with a swipe and onto the next.

I met my husband in 2009 just as things were starting to change in the dating world. I'm grateful I met him when I did as I wouldn't fancy today's minefield.

I do sympathise OP, one of my good friends is 31 and my SIL is 30. They are both attractive and have a lot going for them but they've found it difficult to meet someone and have complained that things are difficult now. They've tried apps etc so I know where you're coming from but 24 is still so young and you've plenty of time. That's not to minimise how you're feeling either though.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/05/2022 02:21

Dating through OLD is a nightmare.

I agree that most men on there are not sincere. You need to vet carefully and have really firm boundaries.

Good luck with the driving - I think that will be a game changer for you because you will be focusing more on having fun with the opportunities it gives you rather than focusing on men.

sandgrown · 08/05/2022 07:59

I am very old and have had a marriage ,two long term relationships and a few short term boyfriends . Each time I met someone who became serious I had taken a part time job in a pub to earn some extra money . The job meant I chatted to lots of men and women and gradually got to know some of them very well. I was in a social situation which didn’t cost me anything ,though I worked hard, and I also got paid . I recommended a pub job to a divorced friend struggling to meet people and she ended up marrying the manager . Maybe you need a job where you will
meet more people.

Original poster
LonelyInAutumn · 08/05/2022 10:07

@MrsTerryPratchett the society bas been withdrawn for some reason so there are no more meetings, but I'm glad I got the chance to make friends when I did

@Superhanz yes it really is so difficult and I think it's quite emotionally exhausting. I deleted my dating app account last night after about 48 hours of having it because it's just too deflating

@Rainbowqueeen thank you, it's taking me ages with driving and I really hope I pass as my confidence is getting knocked a bit

@sandgrown I am looking for a second job so that I will have something to do over the summer holidays so that could be great :)

thanks for the help guys

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 08/05/2022 10:18

Do keep on with the driving! I wouldn’t have met my DH of 32 years if I hadn’t passed my driving test! It enabled me to join the choir where we met. It also enabled me to do evening classes and expand my social horizons that way. I passed on the fifth go, btw.

Copperpottle · 08/05/2022 10:24

Men on dating sites are losers, not husband material. You need to go out and go to places to meet people in person. Activities, sports and athletic pursuits mean a common interest, events with an intellectual theme or upskilling courses mean meeting ambitious people who want to better themselves. You need friends, and friends of friends. You need a busy social life, places to go and people to meet.

Arseholes on apps just want sex. They make neither good partners nor fathers.