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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

‘I don’t have as much saved as you do’

38 replies

DingDongBingBong · 07/05/2022 15:54

Sorry MIL thread. We encouraged her to pay off her mortgage considering the potential increase in interest rates and the deal she had was variable. She has now done this and it has left her with about £40k in savings.

Every time we speak now she tells us that now she has done what we advised, she doesn’t have enough in case of a crisis. She’s also got SIL to repeat the same kind of line - for example SIL told a good friend of mine (that she hasn’t seen for 5 years) MIL couldn’t have made it to an event we hosted ‘unless she had helped out as it wasn’t local and she wouldn’t have had anywhere to stay as no one else was helping her with that’ (which is rubbish as she could have got a hotel - we aren’t local to where the event was either).

DH’s family all expect something for nothing. When we go to see MIL we are expected to shop for her as we reach her (indication is always she doesn’t have as much as us after all) and when she comes to us she never takes us out to say thank you for our hospitality or anything really. She has also been telling us how SIL isn’t earning what she needs considering all her commitments unlike us who can do what we do (SIL has just done extensive work to her house so not exactly brassic tho). SIL expects hospitality but doesn’t give it.

I don’t quite know what crisis she thinks could happen but am I right in thinking shes obviously got something in mind. Or is it just general concern and I am reading too much into it?

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/05/2022 16:03

This shows the folly of being involved in other people’s financial decisions. In some cases even voicing an opinion.

To be frank, I think your encouragement was sound. In what world would it be better to have debt than not. The daft woman can add to her savings with the money she’s not having to use in mortgage-payments. Forty grand in savings is hardly a pittance in exchange for being mortgage-free imo

purpleboy · 07/05/2022 16:03

I suppose it depends on the context?
Does she have an income?
Is she retired?
Does she have future plans?
Did you badger her to pay off her mortgage?
Was she struggling to pay her mortgage?
How much did she have to pay off?

DownTownAbbey2 · 07/05/2022 16:25

If my DC or their partners told me what to do with my money I’d be really pissed off.
why did you get involved?

Original poster

DingDongBingBong · 07/05/2022 16:40

She asked us if she should. She paid off much less than she has saved left and she has a very, very good retirement package from her career in the civil service. She has asked me to give her investment advice before - I told her an absolute categorical no

OP posts:

D0lphine · 07/05/2022 16:43

If she asks again talk her through the positives and negatives but do not steer her. Keep saying "this is your decision and we cannot make it for you".

Or you could just refuse to discuss finances ever again.

Re the shopping- "no" is a complete sentence.

CherryRipe1 · 07/05/2022 16:45

I think with the way mortgage interest rates are heading it was probably good advice & the monthly payment rises might have eaten into her savings anyway unless invested cleverly. Mortgage means a debt unto death! However it was probably not a good idea to get involved & have her blaming you even if you didn't bully her but encouraged. She probably felt secure with a larger financial safety net & £40k may not seem alot to her if she has no income? (Although to someone on their arse using foodbanks it's a fortune,). Did she ask for advice?

CherryRipe1 · 07/05/2022 16:46

Ah, some answers appeared before I posted! Too slow me!

orangeisthenewpuce · 07/05/2022 16:52

What on earth could happen that she'd need more than 40k for? She sounds deranged

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/05/2022 16:53

we are expected to shop for her as we reach her

Why? She has an income? I'm assuming she is mobile.

You are allowed to say no. And just don't get involved in her finances in future.

Original poster

DingDongBingBong · 07/05/2022 16:56

No as I say she has a good income, we just have more.

OP posts:

justfiveminutes · 07/05/2022 16:58

"To be frank, I think your encouragement was sound. In what world would it be better to have debt than not."

If your savings earn more than you pay in interest on your mortgage.

But if you only offered advice when asked for it, then she doesn't really have a leg to stand on. Maybe she just liked the security of seeing a larger, accessible sum in the bank, or is worried about rising costs if she's on a fixed income.

Whisp3r · 07/05/2022 17:01

I would have no time for this. A good income for the rest of her life, her mortgage paid, 40k in the bank. Basically financially better off than most of the world and most of the UK population and moaning about how nobody helps her financially. She should be ashamed to be so greedy.

speakout · 07/05/2022 17:01

This shows the folly of being involved in other people’s financial decisions. In some cases even voicing an opinion.

I completely agree.
It doesn't matter whether the advice is sound or not, keeping our views to ourselves is usually best.

hellrabbitishere · 07/05/2022 17:02

i think you are way to involved with her and id be stepping back majorly , stop talking about money , hers , yours , the sil just dont discuss it anymore and i definately wouldnt have been doing her shopping anyway . imless she is really old and imobile or disabled she should be doing her own , id nip it in the bud next time you visit her or better yet just dont visit for a few weeks

speakout · 07/05/2022 17:04

It doesn't even matter if the MIL asked for advice- I wouldn't give it.
Advice like this tends to come back and bite you on the bum.

If a relative asked me for advice I would suggest they visit a financial advisor.

I have more savings than morgage debt.
I choose not to pay off my mortgage for a number of reasons.

Fruitygal · 07/05/2022 17:05

She’s bonkers - she’s mortgage free with 40k savings and a civil service plus state pension. Ignore her and SIL

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 07/05/2022 17:06

Sounds like she is tight with her own money, and feels entitled to yours, since you have more.
I’d call her out on it.

WonderingWanda · 07/05/2022 17:12

She asked your advice and you gave it. She is an adult and ultimately made her decision. Also 40k savings plus owning her own home and having an income means she is well off and in a good position. She and sil are clearly envious that you and your dh are better off which is ridiculous but that's how some people are. You need to ignore her comments or put her back in her box by reminding her that she is sonfortunate to own her home, have a pension and savings when so many her age don't. Stop paying for everything for her. If she invites you to stay she should host and if she insists on you doing her shopping when you stay because she is too poor to do so then just stay in a hotel and eat elsewhere, and just see her in shorter bursts.

ITakeCharge · 07/05/2022 17:14

Well, as other posters say, you now know never to offer advice or comment on her finances again as it will just come back to bite you. Just make a non committal remark or ignore it if she mentions money and change the subject.

The food shopping when you visit her I am in 2 minds about. In an ideal world we would all be generous hosts but if she's been on her own for a while and there are 4 or 5 of you then any visit you make is going to hugely increase her food bill and she may panic about that , rightly or wrongly. My widowed parent never had enough food in when we visited, not due to being tight but just being many many years away of knowing how much a young family eats in a weekend. If the paying for food both when you host and when she hosts is really annoying you and seems unecessarily tight rather than careful of limited finances then you could cut down on all the visits but I don't imagine that going well either. if she lives close enough for day trips rather than staying over then do that.

I would ignore any comments from or about SIL who presumably is an independent adult earning her own money and making her own choices that don't need to be subsidized by you. I find people hinting about money very tedious and would be disinclined to spend much time with them - cases of genuine need where I am willing and able to help being a totally different matter, but this doesn't sound like that.

Leftbutcameback · 07/05/2022 17:24

Does she come from a background/ growing up where money was an issue and finances not secure? A relative I know is very secure but because they were poor growing up and have been made redundant twice I think they struggle with feeling secure.

viques · 07/05/2022 17:25

She will start to notice the difference in her income now she isn’t paying mortgage payments every month, but don’t expect this to change her attitude!

Autienotnaughtie · 07/05/2022 17:35

My dad does this, his mortgage has been paid about 20 years and he has 70k in savings. He will say things like he can't afford to put heating on or I'll have to walk I can't afford a taxi. He thinks we are rich because we have day trips out and the odd meal. The reality is we have very little left each month (although we would have a bit spare if we didn't do stuff together.)

Threetulips · 07/05/2022 17:40

Surely you have less because you are still paying your mortgage?

speakout · 07/05/2022 17:43

Leftbutcameback · 07/05/2022 17:24

I think that is a very good point. Our relationship with money is very complex, it represents many things and we all have different attitudes.
Savings to me represent security. I grew up in poverty, and in my early adult life a chaotic life saw me heavily in debt and homeless.
Now that my life is in a good place my savings mean a lot to me.
Security, freedom from financial worry, stability, comfort. I know I can cope with the unexpected. I know I will have enough money to eat.
Savings are more important than paying off my mortgage early.

Greatoutdoors · 07/05/2022 17:45

It seems odd you know so much about her finances. I have no idea how much my family have in the bank.

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