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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another partner texting one

11 replies

Granary94 · 07/05/2022 15:36

Been reading the ‘is it ever just texting’ thread with interest. I recently found messages on my partners phone to someone else. This other person is someone my partner has known almost as long as they’ve known me. They were texting regularly before - just as friends (we don’t live anywhere near this person so I’m pretty sure they are not meeting up face to face). They initially met via match.com though. They fall out a lot over messages and seem to argue a lot for 2 people that are only friends. The messages I saw said they both knew they should remain ‘blocked’ but couldn’t ‘because it’s you isn’t it’. Most messages seemed innocent - sharing joke clips/puzzle answers etc but there were also a few such as - no more flirty texting anymore. Oh why not? Oh ok maybe just once a week if you’re good.
My partner is lovely to me and had I not seen these messages I’d have no reason to suspect anything.
Am I a complete idiot if I just leave it and let this go? As I said, they definitely don’t meet in person but is there some kind of emotional affair going on over text? Is that just as bad?

OP posts:
butternutbiscuits · 07/05/2022 15:40

Yep…
hes having an emotional affair

butternutbiscuits · 07/05/2022 15:41

They’ll meet eventually and I would imagine things happened before you got together too

HangOnToYourself · 07/05/2022 15:42

How long have you been together? You say they met on match.com so were they dating/sleeping together? Tbh any flirty messages and having to.say no more flirting to each other like that wouldn't sit right for me and I really would struggle to trust them.

Giraffesandbottoms · 07/05/2022 15:49

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Granary94 · 07/05/2022 15:50

Should have said - we’re all female. Been together about 3 years. They’ve met once (that I know of) but just a drink, nothing happened (as far as I’m told). They’ve stayed in touch ever since though via WhatsApp. This other girl has in the past made it clear she really liked/wanted my partner. I just don’t know what to do. I think this person is always going to have some kind of hold over her and I don’t want to be someone second choice

OP posts:
butternutbiscuits · 07/05/2022 16:02

Sorry I thought I’d read dh in your op.
You shouldn’t be a second choice, it wouldn’t sit right with me finding messages where they know it’s wrong (flirting) but merrily carry on anyway!.
it might be your partner enjoys the attention/ flattery and nothing has happened but I wouldn’t stay with someone I couldn’t trust

Original poster
Granary94 · 07/05/2022 17:11

butternutbiscuits · 07/05/2022 16:02

Sorry I thought I’d read dh in your op.
You shouldn’t be a second choice, it wouldn’t sit right with me finding messages where they know it’s wrong (flirting) but merrily carry on anyway!.
it might be your partner enjoys the attention/ flattery and nothing has happened but I wouldn’t stay with someone I couldn’t trust

Thanks, yes the trouble is I’ll always be wondering. Part of me doesn’t want to say anything as that means the end of it but if I don’t, I’ll always wonder what’s being said behind my back

OP posts:
Azerothi · 07/05/2022 17:15

Do you live with your girlfriend? I think there is more to it than just texting but was just wondering how easy it is for your girlfriend to hide it.

Original poster
Granary94 · 07/05/2022 17:29

Azerothi · 07/05/2022 17:15

Do you live with your girlfriend? I think there is more to it than just texting but was just wondering how easy it is for your girlfriend to hide it.

Yes we live together and the other girl lives a good few hours drive away so I really don’t think anything physical would have happened. An emotional connection feels just as bad though

OP posts:
FridaynightCry · 07/05/2022 17:37

Regardless of sexuality/identity, if my partner was messaging someone they had previous met on a dating app, I'd have issues with that, ESPECIALLY if the person admitted they liked and wanted my partner at some point, and at that point I'd think it pretty much dead in the water.
Why be someone's second best? If she lived closer, in the same town, do you think your partner would have given it a go?

Finally, regardless of what suspician led you there, if you went through your DPs messages, the relationship is already over.

Original poster
Granary94 · 07/05/2022 17:52

FridaynightCry · 07/05/2022 17:37

Regardless of sexuality/identity, if my partner was messaging someone they had previous met on a dating app, I'd have issues with that, ESPECIALLY if the person admitted they liked and wanted my partner at some point, and at that point I'd think it pretty much dead in the water.
Why be someone's second best? If she lived closer, in the same town, do you think your partner would have given it a go?

Finally, regardless of what suspician led you there, if you went through your DPs messages, the relationship is already over.

Yes there was a time at the very beginning where she couldn’t choose between us. She then chose to be with me but continued a friendship with the other girl. It’s just via text but now knowing the kind of things that are said I’m questioning everything.
You’re right about the reading of messages too, she has read mine in the past. Trust had gone

OP posts:
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