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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Will time heal this?

24 replies

Lifegoalsneeded · 07/05/2022 15:00

Really good male friend. He has had a tough time recently and I supported him. He was very selfish during that time and horrible. Previously we were just mates but became close. Now he is recovering he seems to be better and keeps saying how much he values our friendship and I am his best friend.

we went out for drinks as usual. I got really unusually drunk quickly on very little - pain killers, not eating etc. He hates really drunk people due to a previous situation of being accused of spiking a drunk and gets triggered. He took me home when I was chatting to a group of guys and we argued.

He said they were trying to chat me up and was telling him what they wanted to do to me. I disagreed and said they were being friendly and for him to stop saving people.

A few truths came out about how I was upset at him and how he hurt me. This triggered an anxiety reaction from him and he overreacted and things were said. We chatted the next day and cleared the air. Everything seemed ok

however… we normal chat rubbish via text. His texts have been a bit off. More polite. I think he is upset and I may have ruined a great friendship.

how do I repair this? Just give him time? I would of thought blips happen in friendships and we can forgive.

OP posts:

RealBecca · 07/05/2022 15:03

What do you want from such a close friendship?

I can tell you now, those men weren't saying those things and deep down you know it too. It would put me right off that he was being manipulative.

Hes a bad egg

girlmom21 · 07/05/2022 15:06

I wouldn't try and be friends with him. I don't know if he wants to be more than friends or not but he doesn't want you to speak to other men.

'Triggered an anxiety reaction' is bollocks. He was acting like a twat.

HangOnToYourself · 07/05/2022 15:10

He sounds like he wants to be more than friends by his reaction to the other guys

veronicagoldberg · 07/05/2022 15:19

Sounds like way too much drama.

accentdusoleil · 07/05/2022 15:21

It's all about him and his feelings.

Discovereads · 07/05/2022 15:23

I’m a bit surprised by the responses so far. OP said she was “really unusually drunk”. She was vulnerable and chatting with a group of strange men.

Let’s be honest here, men in clubs and pubs prey on drunk women. And his sober judgement as to them chatting her up is in my opinion more reliable than her drunken opinion they were “just being friendly”. In my experience, men in clubs aren’t usually friendly with a really drunk woman for the conversation, they usually are looking for an easy target to get sex. Some don’t care about consent either.

He only did exactly what every sexual assault prevention training tells you to do as a bystander when you witness a man or men trying to take sexual advantage of a drunk woman. He got her away from the situation and took her home.

Im not sure what the “few truths” were regarding how he’s upset and hurt the OP but it sounds awfully like deflection on her part to avoid apologising for arguing with him over looking out for her.

OP in all the clearing of the air, did you acknowledge he might have actually done the right thing by getting you home? That his intentions were good? If not, that’s probably why his texts are off. No one likes being punished for a good deed.

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 15:30

He said they were trying to chat me up and was telling him what they wanted to do to me. I disagreed and said they were being friendly and for him to stop saving people.

I too am surprised at people's reactions, I'm guessing to this bit. It sounds to me like they were chatting to him separately to you? It's hard to judge as we weren't there. As for the stop saving people, you are his friend and of course he doesn't want to see you treated badly?!

Dimplepie · 07/05/2022 15:39

I think an acknowledgement on your part that he removed you from what he saw as a potentially dangerous situation would help to heal this.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/05/2022 15:41

Yeah, those men were 100% going to hurt you

Men are creepy bastards

Original poster

Lifegoalsneeded · 07/05/2022 15:56

@Discovereads @BaaMoon @Dimplepie they asked him if he was going to smash me. He’d said no do they proceeded to try it on.

truths during his bad time he was horrible and self centred. I didn’t need to help him. Initially I was going to get him to a place where he had support from others and walk away. Didn’t happen.

after when he recovered I tried to walk away but we kept getting close friends. This is what I told him. He apologised for hurting me and I apologised for saying those things. He said all was ok.

OP posts:

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 15:59

they asked him if he was going to smash me. He’d said no do they proceeded to try it on. right.. and you got annoyed that he tried to protect you from men who use language like that?

PetersRabbitt · 07/05/2022 16:04

It’s all a bit dramatic. Do you want more than friendship with this guy? Yes or no? Because it sounds like your stringing each other along.

Discovereads · 07/05/2022 16:04

they asked him if he was going to smash me. He’d said no do they proceeded to try it on.. Yeah those men were after sex and by using such a crude term as “smash” showed complete disrespect towards you.

Since you’ve apologised and think the air is clear, perhaps check in with him to see if he feels the air is clear too? Ask him if all is ok and you’re happy to talk things through further if he wants to.

Dimplepie · 07/05/2022 16:07

Ah well your update changes everything. What a bunch of charmers he should have gone home & left you with them shitfaced!.

Sounds like maybe the friendship has run its course. Regardless he still did the right thing.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2022 16:24

This doesn't sound anything like a "great friendship."

Attwoodsladyfriend · 07/05/2022 16:31

he hasn’t done anything wrong.

Peoniesandcream · 07/05/2022 16:31

I'd be thanking him for not leaving me there to get sexually assaulted. MN is so weird sometimes.

girlmom21 · 07/05/2022 16:33

I think your update changes things - if they were actually talking to him and being disrespectful.

I think you need to thank him for looking after you and apologise for being so drunk that you couldn't look after yourself.

And then find out where you both stand.

Planesmistakenforstars · 07/05/2022 17:54

It's hard to tell if it can be repaired without knowing what was said between you and how hurtful the truths were. But he was protecting you from men who were trying to take advantage of you. Also, was it just the two of you out? Because if so it's a bit shit to go and chat up a group of blokes and leave him standing around like a lemon.

Original poster

Lifegoalsneeded · 07/05/2022 19:55

@Planesmistakenforstars he went to the loo and I was chatting to some girls and the guys joined in. I wouldnt go off with some guys at all. Not my style. He knows this.

he didn’t tell me what was said till next day

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifegoalsneeded · 07/05/2022 20:00

i did apologise the next day and thanked him.

truths were above how he hurt me and how I felt used. Somehow he turned up at my door after he was interviewed by the police due to his ex. We were social friends then. He still dud t know why he came to me

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 07/05/2022 20:02

I wouldnt go off with some guys at all. Not my style. He knows this.

he didn’t tell me what was said till next day

But getting that drunk isn't your normal style either. It sounds like you worried him.

If you can't even remember what happened you don't know how you were behaving and what you would have done in that state

MardyOldGoth · 07/05/2022 20:02

He's probably pissed of that he got you away from the creeps and then ended up getting criticised over stuff from the past immediately after. Thank him for looking out for you and apologise for upsetting him later that evening. Then leave it. Maybe he just needs a bit of space.

Original poster

Lifegoalsneeded · 07/05/2022 20:42

Yeah maybe space. I suppose it was pent up anger. He said he never considered how others felt.

OP posts:

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