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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed partner is ill so can't help with baby

29 replies

PineappleEye · 07/05/2022 09:25

Hoping to be told I am unreasonable here so I can stop feeling irrationally annoyed.
Had a crap night last night with 8 month old who wants to stand and crawl instead of sleep. Partner isn't able to help out today to give me a break as he's not feeling well...after having 3 days eating takeaway kebabs, pizzas, and McDs. Plus drinking wine.
Last weekend was too tired to try doing a bedtime as he was aching from the gym...
I look after DC all day as on mat leave, and do all bedtimes and night wakes. He does baths and takes her for an hour in the morning to give breakfast.
AIBU to feel annoyed, should I be more considerate?

OP posts:
Vidax · 07/05/2022 09:27

Partner isn't able to help out today to give me a break as he's not feeling well...after having 3 days eating takeaway kebabs, pizzas, and McDs. Plus drinking wine

Why are you asking if YABU?

PinkiOcelot · 07/05/2022 09:28

I was going to say YABU until I read your post. This seems to be a pattern; him making up excuses. Aching from the gym doesn’t stop you looking after a baby ffs! Sounds like a lazy bastard to me.
He needs to shape up. I wouldn’t but letting him away with this!

ssd · 07/05/2022 09:29

Hes not ill

Notimeforaname · 07/05/2022 09:29

No he doesnt have a choice. he is a parent. Fucking hilarious he thinks the gym and takeaways are a perfectly good reason not to parent his child. Do not allow this. Hes getting away with it...

Chikapu · 07/05/2022 09:32

No, you shouldn't be more considerate of someone who's dealing with the consequences of his own actions. He's being an arsehole and dodging his responsibilities.

stuntbubbles · 07/05/2022 09:33

Hangovers and indigestion are not illnesses. Sometimes we have to suck it up and not have help when our partners have Covid/noro/flu. Sometimes both parents have something vile and you both just have to parent and leave the house to fester. But you never have to power through and do it alone because your partner’s tied one on/stayed up late on the X Box/stayed too late at the pub/hurts from the gym Hmm

That last one is just… FFS! I bet your body ached after the rigorous workout of CHILDBIRTH and you still parented your baby. He’s a git.

Original poster
PineappleEye · 07/05/2022 09:35

Thank you for the validation! I'm currently waiting till she goes down for a nap so I can have a shower...feeling gross 😡

OP posts:
MordredsOrrery · 07/05/2022 09:40

If nothing essential has fallen off he can still parent his child. Even if it has fallen off give him 10 minutes and some duct tape to sort it out. He really doesn't sound deserving of sympathy and I'm guessing in the last 8 months the above is basically what you've been expected to do.

Original poster
PineappleEye · 07/05/2022 09:47

I basically never get any baby free time, so think I'll just take myself off out tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
PineappleEye · 07/05/2022 09:49

MordredsOrrery · 07/05/2022 09:40

If nothing essential has fallen off he can still parent his child. Even if it has fallen off give him 10 minutes and some duct tape to sort it out. He really doesn't sound deserving of sympathy and I'm guessing in the last 8 months the above is basically what you've been expected to do.

I breastfeed, so that's generally the reason/excuse

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/05/2022 09:51

YANBU but clearly you are putting up with shit behaviour.

We teach people how to treat us and what is acceptable behaviour.

He has somehow got the message that he can do very very little and leave childcare to you.

Shit partner, shit father.

Start making changes or this is going to be your future.

And for goodness sake sort out contraception and don't have more children with this man child.

You deserve better.

Lindy2 · 07/05/2022 10:01

Part of being a parent is that you are still a parent even when you don't feel well.

You just carry on as usual, feeling rough, but you still look after your child/children.

Your partner needs to grow up and step up to being a father.

I think I've had 1 hangover since becoming a parent. I found out pretty quickly that the extra drinks weren't worth the pain of parenting the next day.

Don't enable him to get away with just passing all responsibility on to you. There's already a pattern starting of him deliberately not pulling his weight.

You hand baby to him now and go and have your shower.

Daenerys77 · 07/05/2022 10:09

Much of the world's parenting is done by people who are 'not feeling well'. The same applies to other forms of work.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 07/05/2022 10:09

Once you've had a shower, leave the baby with him and pop out to the shop. And stay out for several hours, treat yourself to a coffee & cake. Turn your phone off & enjoy some peace & quiet.
Let him actually be a parent for a few hours & don't take any moaning from him when you return.
It's time for things to change.

Original poster
PineappleEye · 07/05/2022 10:13

CoffeeBeansGalore · 07/05/2022 10:09

Once you've had a shower, leave the baby with him and pop out to the shop. And stay out for several hours, treat yourself to a coffee & cake. Turn your phone off & enjoy some peace & quiet.
Let him actually be a parent for a few hours & don't take any moaning from him when you return.
It's time for things to change.

Love this

OP posts:
Clymene · 07/05/2022 10:16

He's not able to help out? He's not 'helping' he's parenting! Or rather he's not.

Camomila · 07/05/2022 10:17

He's not even my DP and I'm annoyed at him on your behalf!

I'm currently in bed feeling guilty because I can't parent much today (am ill...but not self inflicted, have a fever and feel dizzy)

Clymene · 07/05/2022 10:17

And he's not ill.

OatmilkandCookies · 07/05/2022 10:23

He doesn't help out. Parenting is his responsibility as much as it is yours. Honestly I don't know why we let men get away with phrases like 'help out', 'mind the kids', etc.
I agree with the advice of take yourself out, look round the shops, get a coffee and a nice slice of cake, or get your hair or nails done. He's shirking his responsibility with constant excuses. A genuine flu is one thing but feeling dodgy after too much rich food and wine is something else altogether.

comealongponds · 07/05/2022 10:24

if it was a genuine illness then YWBU but since it’s self inflicted YANBU

tell him to suck it up, he’s a parent, he doesn’t get to opt out of that because he made himself ill

butternutbiscuits · 07/05/2022 10:26

Thought you were going to say he had a broken arm or serious illness

being a twat is not an illness

Heresafe · 07/05/2022 10:29

It’s an intense time for everyone but I’d be disappointed too, my dh has really stretched to do as much as he can despite work pressures as he’s at home . He currently has DS to let me have a bath as it’s been a long morning ! And when I am with baby he does everything else like the washing which often I would usually manage . Everyone gets tired etc but I don’t know how you change his attitude to want to do more gladly.

Heresafe · 07/05/2022 10:31

I meant that in the sense it might be his attitude that needs to change but it would be good if he realises this as often nagging doesn’t sort it so I don’t know the answer . Maybe a gentle and kind conversation that it’s an intense time but that you really need him to do more even when he’s tired too as you are overwhelmed?

MarmiteCoriander · 07/05/2022 10:32

I thought you were going to say he has a terminal illness or a sudden disease! Self inflicted illness from gluttony is not an excuse to be lazy! YANBU to be annoyed and fed up- BUT, YABU to be putting up with it!!!

SheWoreYellow · 07/05/2022 10:33

8 months is old enough to manage with some breadsticks while you go out for a coffee or whatever.

He should be sharing the childcare and housework when he’s not at work.