If anyones dated a recovering alcoholic

[Mintchocicechip]

Just got out of a bad relationship with a man who will be two years Sober in August. We spoke for 8 months and became friends and then had a relationship from July last year. It was an absolute mess looking back. I am confused and realise now I have a million questions and will never get my answers.

I'm suspicious that the whole time he was never over his ex. He was always talking about her. He would tell me she was expressing jealousy towards me then when I got frustrated he was texting her, he'd defend it saying she was good to him and did alot for him..he's been bitter. He's blamed her. Blamed himself. Said they were not right together. He expressed until he was blue in the face he'd never go back there. But he wouldn't give her up. Eventually I saw messages to her from him stating he was crying at their memories. I ended it after this as I lost all my confidence.

I'm slowly realising alot more was going on. Lies around money. Other women. Possibly on dating apps etc. He blocked me on wattsapp so he could be on there.

He was very abusive to me with words. I wasn't allowed to question him. He began kicking me out. But taking my money snd anything else he needed.

Due to a chronic back problem we couldn't have sex in the end. But it hurt me that he didn't even try and touch me sometimes in a loving way..

I feel so used hurt. He won't answer messages about his stuff and he owes me money. I no I won't get the money but I wish he'd arrange getting his things.

Just looking for other peoples experiences

This has nothing whatsoever to do with him being a recovering alcoholic and everything to do with him being a horrible, abusive cheater. None of these behaviours are directly related to him being sober- he's clearly an arsehole who just happened to also have a past drink problem.

Did you post about the lack of sex because of his back? If so I think that you were excusing some of the abuse on him being in pain? His behaviour, as said, had nothing to do with being a recovering alcoholic. He was never your friend. You were in an abusive relationship. There's really good links across the relationship board on threads, if you want to read around abuse, also "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft Is recommended reading. You were used, I've been there. Now it's about recovery and you moving forward.

This is his personality not his disease, the 2 are completely seperate.

Alcohol is the solution for alcoholics, it's not the problem (until it is). What I mean by that is alcohol is often what they use to medicate complex personality issues, mental health conditions, trauma etc. For some people what they were medicating initially is some social anxiety, for others they drink so that they seem slightly more appealing when deep down they are abusive arseholes. Then of course whatever their original problem they self medicate for, they then end up with all the tactics they learned to hide their alcoholism, so many alcoholics become convincing liars and efficient gas lighters, and tend to be self orientated (even if they weren't to start with) because alcohol makes it almost impossible to see outside them self and empathise with others in any way. They also tend to not mature during their drinking 'career' so a man at 45 who has been drinking heavily for 30years is basically a 15 year old emotional maturity wise.

There are two types of sober alcoholics, in my experience. Those who work on themselves, deal with their underlying issues, heal their pasts and change their ways. And Those who put down alcohol and pick up a whole load of other shitty behaviours because at least they aren't drinking now, and refuse to work on any of their issues (including co dependency issues). I would say only the first kind are actually in recovery, the other kind are just alcoholics who aren't drinking, eg. worse than they were even when taking their medicine (alcohol) because they have all these problems and now no solution for them! This man sounds like one of those.

Thank you all. I will look at the book and your comment shave helped me seperste things. It is abusive and I am getting help. It's just first thing in the mornings I struggle and at night too. I'll get there. I'm 23 days single and 29 since I last saw him

Bag up his stuff. Leave it outside. Send him a photo of it and tell him he can come and get it and you dont have to see or speak to him.
If he doesn't collect it by the next day or whatever, you can dump it.