Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Accept gifts from MIA grandparents?

20 replies

WellThatsNotVeryLadyLike · 06/05/2022 21:53

After going through cycles of disappointment and anger for several years, I finally asked my MIL if I was correct in assuming that they did not want a relationship with our son. She essentially confirmed it, explaining that they just can't be bothered.

I was surprised at her bluntness, but I can't say I expected any other reply. From the very start of my son's life they've been distant and uninterested in him. She never wanted to hold him as a baby, treated him like a nuisance as he got older, and maybe asks about him twice a year (with no follow up questions). Any time I bring him up, she immediately turns it around to her own children, or other children with whom she's come into contact. I've witnessed her being affectionate with other children, which has been baffling and painful to see.

The one aspect of having a grandchild she enjoys is purchasing clothes. (When we've gotten books and toys, they've all been used and missing pieces.) The problem I have is that every time I see those articles of clothing, it's a reminder that my child doesn't have loving grandparents, and it hurts me.

Would I be unreasonable in declining offers of clothing? It seems like it would be petty, and part of me doesn't want to get in the way of the one thing that they're willing to do for him. The other part of me doesn't want to see anything around that's come from them.

(BTW, we're financially stable so it wouldn't be a problem to buy his clothes ourselves.)

Thank you in advance for any thoughts.

OP posts:

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 06/05/2022 21:56

My mil rejected ds. At every opportunity for the 3 short months she knew him. She sent a birthday gift and I returned it recorded delivery..
As you should op.
Imo.

Yotrotro · 06/05/2022 22:02

Well it's not like you need to worry about hurting her feelings by rejecting the gifts, so crack on.

ElenaSt · 06/05/2022 22:05

I would accept them with grace but then sell them or give them away.

If she ever says oh where's that lovely jumper I bought? You can smile and say oh I didn't think you were interested in grandchild!

Dinoteeth · 06/05/2022 22:07

Op if they are chain store clothes I'd be so tempted to exchange them for a gift card then let your son choose what he wants.

Cheerybigbottom · 06/05/2022 22:16

Ask her nor to buy clothes, you have so many.

I completely understand why the reminders are painful and you don't have to maintain any peaceful relationship which your MIL already doesn't value, protect your feelings and not hers.

Original poster

WellThatsNotVeryLadyLike · 06/05/2022 22:27

Thank you all so much for your comments. <3

OP posts:

rainyskylight · 06/05/2022 22:31

Absolutely don’t let her hurt you by putting your son in these clothes. Give them away to charity, return the shop or return to her. Whatever causes you the least amount of hurt. Dressing your child is your joy - do not let her take that away from you or make it hurtful.

Notajogger · 06/05/2022 22:40

I wouldn't be taking a thing from them.

Maybe they feel like they're still "being grandparents" by buying this stuff - but they're not being grandparents, so I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of that feeling, if that makes sense.

Also it sounds as though you're dealing with this/with your PIL - is this the case? If so, why isn't your husband dealing with them?

Out of interest, do you and he still see them, are they interested in seeing you but not your DS?

TheNoteIsEternal · 06/05/2022 22:57

I guess it means they can tell their friends about all the stuff they buy to make themselves feel better.

But you should do whatever makes you feel better - no need to worry about their feelings. If you want it, keep it. Or return, donate, throw away.

Howaboutnope · 06/05/2022 23:11

Decline it. Send it back. Drop it back on their doorstep. They sound awful and deserve to be cut out.

InkyPinkyParlez · 06/05/2022 23:52

Accept them. Maybe they are the only thing she is able to give, and it's a connection for him, however limited.

If you'd had grandparents like this, how might you feel if you'd found out they'd been buying you presents but your parents had stopped them doing so? I think you should take them for your son's sake.

Original poster

WellThatsNotVeryLadyLike · 07/05/2022 00:05

Notajogger · 06/05/2022 22:40

I wouldn't be taking a thing from them.

Maybe they feel like they're still "being grandparents" by buying this stuff - but they're not being grandparents, so I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of that feeling, if that makes sense.

Also it sounds as though you're dealing with this/with your PIL - is this the case? If so, why isn't your husband dealing with them?

Out of interest, do you and he still see them, are they interested in seeing you but not your DS?

It really does feel like she buys him clothes just because she wants to feel like she's done "something" for him. He doesn't need clothes; he needs people in his life who care about him.

My husband has been emotionally hurt by them his entire life and is on the brink of going no contact because he just can't deal with their selfishness. One of his siblings has already, and the other has a tenuous relationship with them. My husband's solution is to just cut them out, but I felt that I personally needed to confront them about their actions to be sure that I wasn't misunderstanding things.

They seem to want a relationship with me and are far more interested in me than any of their blood family. It's really weird; they'll ignore their own son but send me messages every day. My guess is that it's because I've been a doormat for the sake of peace, and I've let things slide because, "They're family." Now that I fully realize that family means nothing to them, and am refusing to be a doormat any longer, their relationship with me is fading away, too. It's really sad.

OP posts:

Gagaandgag · 07/05/2022 00:41

I’m sorry about this situation, really sad and hurtful all round. It took my own father until he was in his late 50s to cut out his family. He regrets not doing it before.

In my opinion they aren’t sending the clothes for ‘you’ they are sending them for themselves.

How about just passing them straight onto charity?

SNWannabe · 07/05/2022 00:47

Nope- they don’t deserve a relationship with any of you. Don’t let them damage your son as much as they’ve damaged theirs. Support your husband in going no contact and look at the “Stately Homes” threads here for further support for your husband. Return every “gift” and disengage from those toxic people.

SlatsandFlaps · 07/05/2022 01:11

InkyPinkyParlez · 06/05/2022 23:52

Accept them. Maybe they are the only thing she is able to give, and it's a connection for him, however limited.

Absolute, utter nonsense!

OP please ignore the above advice ⬆️

Don't enable them by accepting their crumbs. Your child deserves a thousand times better than occasional clothes!

latetothefisting · 07/05/2022 01:21

InkyPinkyParlez · 06/05/2022 23:52

Accept them. Maybe they are the only thing she is able to give, and it's a connection for him, however limited.

I do have uninterested grandparents like this. Looking back I am amazed my parents kept trying as long as they did, and if I'd fully understood the situation when I was young I would have told them not to bother and no matter what they did the GPS would never change and we wouldn't have any relationship as adults.

OPs son sounds like a fairly young child. I doubt he'll be looking back at a picture of him in a dinosaur jumper aged 6 in 20 years thinking alas if only my parents had maintained contact...no I wouldn't have had any sort of relationship with my uninterested grandparents or any much needed financial assistance from them but I might have had a few more free t shirts and after all that's what happiness really is....

BritInAus · 07/05/2022 02:13

I understand how hurtful this in. My DD's grandparents on my ex's side have totally disowned my DD - but still send Birthday and Xmas gifts. I gave DD the first one then realized how sad and confused she was. Now I either give away to charity / to a friend / return clothes to chain shops and swap for something DD loves / add in generic things (eg chocolate) to her santa stocking. Sounds like your lives would be much more peaceful going no contact.

I really understand how hurtful this is, but try to focus on the people who do offer your child love and support.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 07/05/2022 02:17

We have gone no contact with my in laws over their treatment of our children.

We decided to go no contact when our children were fairly young to minimise the impact upon them.

It was the best thing we ever did.

I found their approach to our children so painful.

I cant tell you just how better life became without their toxicity.

RoseGoldEagle · 07/05/2022 04:22

I would send a message saying something like:

Hi DMil. Please could I ask that you stop sending clothes to DS? I know you’ve said you’re not interested in a relationship with him, and although I’m saddened by that decision, I respect that it’s your decision to make. However receiving gifts from you is confusing and upsetting for him, as it brings up the question of why you never want to see him, so I’d prefer you to stop, for his sake. Thankfully, we are in a comfortable financial position ourselves so can provide him everything he needs, from a financial perspective. If you do want to still send them, I thought it fair to let you know that we will be donating them to a charity shop. From, OP.

And I’d consider going NC. Your DS will be absolutely fine with loving parents like you in his life OP, and is definitely better off without people like this dropping in and out when it suits them. Their loss.

YilingMatriarch · 07/05/2022 04:52

At least you have confirmed where they stand. You and your family can go forward, and give them as much or little consideration as you feel appropriate without any guilt. You got a straight answer to a straightforward question. Frankly, your DC would have felt the lack of feeling, (they always do). LC or NC whichever works best for your family.

Flip