To think it's okay not to immediately text back or answer the phone.

[User6363827464]

I have a lot of things going on in my personal life right now. Things I won't go into. Im tired, stressed and in a constant state of heightened anxiety. I like my own company at the best of times but kinda gone off the radar right now, I do live with Dp and our two dc but I mean my own company away other than them.

I am not working at the minute, I have two kids with sen and I think my mum thinks I have a lot of time on my hands but I really don't. Dp works long hours, it's appointments, meetings, emails, phone calls and chasing things up for dc. Catching up on housework etc. When kids aren't at school I don't even have time to wee or eat, let alone answer a phone call. Both kids are very full on and demanding.

my mum will often ring, often at the worse times just to talk some crap about falling out with her neighbour or what my siblings are up to, she never really asks how I am, all about about or she texts some gossip like who's died (half the time it's no one I know) or had an affair. She runs everyone down and I am exhausted hearing it. Sometimes it just drains me.

my mum isn't elderly or lonely, she's 50 and has a house full at home. Lots of friends etc. She isn't relying on me for a chat. She's usually just ringing to say she's fallen out with another neighbour, friend or relative or even her husband (not my dad). She's a bit of a nightmare in all honesty. I stay away from drama.

I'm getting to the point I will ignore the phone, often I send a text to say I'm busy and speak later and tbh with two kids with sen I often am really busy. I don't even have time to wee sometimes. Often she messages me and I just ignore it for hours. Then she gets shitty. I hate talking on the phone too.

but it doesn't make me a bad person right? Yo not have the energy to immediately answer??

My mums the type who will answer her phone wherever she is. I've been with her before and her friend calls for a chat and rather than just saying she has visitors and will back, she talks to them for ages whilst I sit awkwardly waiting.

I an literally keeping my phone on silent.

to add, I am an adult who has just been referred to have an asd assessment as it's extremely likely I'm on the spectrum like dc, my mum has totally dismissed this but has never understood my struggles socially. She is a social butterfly, I am not 😅

Your mum sounds like my mum.
My mum is a narcissist.

YANBU
I always say that I have a phone for my convenience, not that of other peoples.

If it's not urgent, there's no need to reply or answer. You need to put yourself first sometimes, so don't feel bad about it.

You are perfectly right to ignore what you know are going to be me-me calls. You are busy with your life. Your mum has no right to demand you to provide an audience for her manufactured dramas. I had a narcissist mum, fortunately it was in the days before mobiles.

Yes keep your mum on mute. Doesn't matter if she gets snarky about it, she's trying to monopolise your free moments.

It's perfectly ok to ignore the phone or texts if non urgent if you are too busy or you don't feel like chatting there and then

I like my parents, am sometimes happy to listen to my mum for ages when she's staying with me, and even I regularly ignore the phone from mum or her texts, for days sometimes, if I don't have the time or head space to respond. I do get back to them but at my pace and I tell them when I'm done with the call as I've other things to do.

Occasionally my mum will text "we've been texting you but no reply" so I'll respond "Yes, I'm busy, whats up?" Or "I'll try to find time at the weekend to read all your texts" "Mum, I don't have time this week to read all those texts or to chatter this, so is there anything vitally important you need me to know?"

I feel no guilt as I recall in my childhood my parents did not spend hours on the phone several times a week listening to their parents or other people each night when I was younger. Nor did they read letters from /nor write them long winded elaborate letters on minutae of the day. They didn't stay in to answer the landline phone either. So it's be unreasonable to expect it from me.

Just because we have mobile phones now, it doesn't mean we are beholden to the phone nor a captive audience for others.

If your mum witters on for ages during telephone calls try this

"mum I'm busy so is there anything urgent?"
"Mum this sounds a long story and I've things I need to get on with, so can you summarise anything important you need to tell me today in 2 sentences or less..?"
"Mum make it quick as I'm busy.."
"Gotta go now mum, I'm needed/ tired/ getting in shower/ cooking/ organising school stuff for tomorrow/ hoovering/ cleaning toilets .."

If all else fails and you are stuck on the telephone with an unwanted long telephone call, quietly open your front door and ring your own doorbell. Viola. "Gotta go, someone's at the door. Bye"

YANBU at all. Protect your mental health OP, don't feel guilty for a second.

You don't even need to ask the question, it's obvious that no one needs to answer their phone or reply to a message if they don't want to. People might not like it or be difficuly with you because of your choice but that doesn't make it not a valid one

Is there a reason that you think you could be unreasonable?

@User6363827464

Also OP when you say your mum gets shitty do you mean she makes FOG comments like
"You don't seem to have time to reply to me"
"I texted you hours ago and you didn't reply until now"
"You're always too busy to talk to me" etc
Just be factual in reply

"Yes And?"

"And? You're right I am busy.."

"And? I am busy, I've called you back now, so if you're going to moan that I'm often busy - when we agree about that- then I'll say Bye and go now.. Bye."

You gotta take ownership of being busy and not feel least bit guilty for it. You've DCs at home and lots on. Your mum is literally my age -& I'm disabled and on my own- and I wouldn't be ringing my DCs expecting them to drop everything to talk to me when I want nor when they aren't free to chat.

That's why I love WhatsApp, my older DCs reply when they feel like it. They ring me when they feel like it and answer my calls if they want to talk to me and I say 'thanks for chatting' when they say gotta go after they're bored (even if it's only been a 5 mins convo!). I don't unload on them (even my adult children), I'm there to listen to them, not to tell them my woes or uninteresting news.

You never stop being a mum so I find your middle aged mum wittering-on-at-busy-old-you, quite strange.

I have a close friend who is exactly like this. If I'm busy I don't answer but will message "just doing xyz" il ring in a bit. Then I call at a convenient time. She rings maybe 3x a week so will try to speak to her that many times. Also if I have a spare 30min I ring so I get control over the timing. Some people need that connection I don't think it's a bad thing but it has to work for both of you xx

If you text back and say you're really busy at the moment and you'll call her when you can, then you've done enough. You are not available on demand and you should reduce the expectation that you are. She should come to understand this over time if you be firm. I hate talking on the phone too and try and limit it. I much prefer texts and WhatsApp messages

You should set expectations for your mum. So telling her you won't respond during the daytime, for example.

Yanbu

Ignoring your phone if YOU want to, is healthy. You aren't allowing other people to intrude when you don't want them to.

My ex would ring me and if I had my hands full - gardening, hoovering etc - he would ring every 30 seconds until I answered. Then he'd send a text asking me to call him. Then he'd start ringing again. Once he rang 53 times. It's not normal, so I never answer him until I've finished whatever I'm doing.

It's a form of bullying so only answer when YOU want to.

Your phone, your life. Answer when it suits you. Don't feel bad. If I phoned one,of my children during their working day, they'd answer immediately because they'd assume it was urgent. If I wanted to waste their time they would rightly give me short shrift. Poor behaviour by your mother but she may not realise it. She will but you'll have to train her.

Blimey, I'd have blocked ex

You can then unblock him when you are free but at least you wouldn't have your phone pinging constantly

I'd have emailed him to say don't repeatedly ring or text me. Send one text and if I see it and am free I will reply, but unless it's an emergency like a hospital trip, then you have no reason to expect an immediate reply.
I'm the meantime until you agree to be more reasonable and only text once, I will block your phone until a time in the evening when I am free so you can email me instead. One email outlining why you would like a call back.

I think the first I'd being saying to your mum is how about some help with her grandchildren??
It sounds like a one way street relationship.
How rude to be on the phone when you visit.
Set some boundaries.
Plenty of web site with excellent advice .
Remember we teach people how to treat us.

My phone is on silent constantly
I have no notifications for social media or messages
i do not have whatsapp either

I am quite happy - we are far too accesible to each other and its not healthy