Broken marriage

[Iamsafe]

Hello mumsnetters,

I’m mostly posting here for traffic but I am also wondering if I am being unreasonable.

me and my husband have been together for 14 years and married for 12 years. We did marriage young and are both now in our 30’s.
our relationship has never been perfect but I will hold my hands up and say I’ve always been up front and honestly about my feelings and intentions during the relationship and he has always been poor with communication.

I found out five years ago that I have depression (still struggle to this day) and quite recently also borderline personality disorder (discouraged type of bpd). I knew there was something ‘wrong’ with me for years but never knew what, and he has always put up with my ‘faults’.

we have three children who have various additional needs and I am the main career, and have given up a carer and any independent financial income/pension/savings etc for the last 6 years. I have always been appreciative of how hard my husband works to provide for us.

yesterday my husband ended our relationship as I do not ‘give him enough affection’. It’s true. I’m tired, overstimulated, unappreciated and essentially used a maid and child care provider for him whilst having no freedom or life of my own outside the home. Any time I ask for time alone he expects to be there with me too, I can’t shower alone without him feeling rejected and I’m sick of having to baby him so he doesn’t feel hurt when I need space.

on top of that I have asked him to stop touching me sexually on a few occasions whilst I am ‘healing’ from certain aspects of my childhood. He does not respect any of my boundaries and I will wake up during the night to him touching my genitals and pleasuring himself. I feel repulsed by the lack of care for my boundaries and personal space. He also doesn’t brush his teeth and acts like I’m not trying hard enough when he tries to kiss me and I reject him due to the smell.

honestly I’m not upset that he’s ended the marriage, and we should have years ago. I’m sleeping downstairs on one of my kids old mattresses and I feel so much more comfortable. I dread him returning home from work because the atmosphere in the house changes and I retreat into myself.

I understand that with bpd that we can act like a victim and shift blame but I have tried my best to avoid that mind frame whilst typing this.

I have tried so many times to have serious conversations about our life, family etc and everything that comes out of his mouth turns into a sexual joke. Prior to him ending the relationship he gave me silent treatment for three weeks which isn’t uncommon. he hasn’t spoke to me since he threw his ring at me.

have I tried enough? Have I been insensitive to his feelings?

im prepared to hear IABU but please be kind.

also what do I do now financially? He works and we claim universal credit jointly to top up income. We rent together, and have a spare bedroom that I can sleep in. No doubt he will refuse to send me money to pay my bills.

thank you for reading my very long post!

I think you can see - and hope you can see - that his behaviour has been deeply inappropriate and you are better off without him.

I'm sorry to hear this. Your husband has absolutely no respect for you as an independent person. He sees you as a childcare provider/housekeeper/sex toy. I know this is a distressing and difficult time but the marriage ending is absolutely the right thing for you: this is crystal clear and you must focus on this.

Why are you asking if you've been insensitive to his feelings? He has clearly demonstrated that he has no regard for yours whatsoever. You need to move past worrying about his needs and think about yours. You need to make a plan and focus on you and your children.

If he has initiated the end of the marriage then he should be the one to leave and he will need to pay the rent. However, you should see a lawyer ASAP and get some good advice on this.

How old are your children? How feasible would it be for you to work? I assume as they have additional needs this may not be straightforward but you should be aiming towards this. Do you get any benefits?

One thing I've observed about people with BPD is that it can happen that they end up invalidating their own experiences and feelings because they worry it's their illness talking.

OP, nobody would feel differently about your situation to how you feel and you are allowed to have your own feelings without constantly second guessing yourself.

Don't let him undermine your thinking or make this about your BPD. It isn't. He's a selfish, inconsiderate slob who regards you as a domestic appliance and HE HAS BEEN SEXUALLY ASSAULTING YOU IN YOUR SLEEP which makes him a criminal as well as a loser. I know it's not easy with children, especially children with additional needs - but you do need to get him out of your life.

No you are being entirely reasonable your husband is behaving very badly in multiple ways.

Go and see a solicitor, get what you can from the divorce and move on.

Sounds like you'll be so much better off without him OP, but I understand the financial concerns. See a solicitor. In the longer term could you see a route back into work?

It's crystal clear just from the little you've posted about his behaviour that this man is extremely controlling and abusive OP, your BPD is utterly irrelevant to the behaviours you're describing and anyone would struggle and be damaged by the sort of abuse you have endured. Can we help you make a plan to get away from him?

Sorry I don't know much about BPD, but I'd phone/make an appointment at Citizens Advice as a starting point, to get info on your rights. He is likely to have to give you some financial support, depending on your ability to work and the ages and care needs of your children. Also take a look at the MN Divorce and Separation board - lots of useful info and advice on there: www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation

100%guarantee he will charge his mind, it’s all part of a pattern to control you. Don’t take him back, his behaviour is disgusting and will escalate

Is he moving out ?

Wow, not the responses I was expecting.
It’s really nice to hear that I’m not being unreasonable because I feel as if the blame is passed onto me a lot of the time.

it’s a shame our marriage had to work out this way because I was sure when I left my abusive childhood home that I was walking into a happy and positive home.

I will try my best to answer everyone:

1. he isn't moving out as far as I’m aware because he isn’t speaking to me.
2. I would love to get back into work, I have been trying for the last 3 years but due to my youngest child’s needs it isn’t possible just yet.
3. I have 6 year old twins and a 4 year old.
4. I agree he will try to worm his way back in and ultimately I’m sure he thinks I will beg for him not to leave me because I struggle with abandonment issues.
5. greensleeves - thank you, honestly. You’ve completed validated my internal thoughts about it being sexual abuse and I really appreciate that.

thank you all so much for reading and responding.
I will contact universal credits on Monday and speak to them about my options. I have read that they will make my account solo so I can have access to the money they send. I don’t know how I’ll stand being able to avoid everything alone though so hopefully they can help out with that.

Any one of the silent treatment, treating you like a maid, disgusting personal hygiene, sexual abuse, is more than enough reason to leave. Deep down you know that you deserve much more than this. Your mental health doesn’t even come
ibto it. He sounds like a total pig.

Do you have your own bank account ? If you do, get any child benefits paid into it.
If you don’t, get one, easy to open on line.

I imagine it's come as a bit of a shock to realise how abusive he is from an outside perspective OP so can I suggest you speak to Women's Aid and get some support? They can help you figure out your practical and financial options and offer emotional support at the same time, it might really help.

The 24hr national helpline gets very busy but there are usually local services available too, the lines probably won't be 24hr but will be easier to get through to when they are open. If you scroll down this link til you get to 'Search by location' and enter your area it will give you numbers for your nearest service. Do you have any real life support at all? Friends or family?

Sorry, link won't post for some reason, I'll keep trying.

Have had to ask on site stuff as links haven't been posting for me since the 'improvements' to the site but if you google Women's Aid local directory it will come up. Sorry I couldn't post it OP

I think you’re right that it’s a shock to hear it from an outside perspective because I have always thought I was overreacting.

I have one friend but zero family. I’ve arranged to see my friend next week (we live a few hours away from each other) and I know she will be very supportive.

I spoke to my ex (strange to say instead of husband…) and asked if we can discuss in a sensible manner how we can move on going forward with finances, living arrangements, etc and we arranged to speak this evening about it.
I will definitely contact womens aid too though, thank you.

I do have my own account and my children's DLA, and CB go into my account thankfully but with bills and other expenses it’s not enough to cover everything.

i do think my ex has something up his sleeve though as everyday since the break up he’s been working cash in hand. And usually his mum calls me every couple days and she hasn’t.

All I can think about now is missing my children's birthdays and christmases years to come because they’re with him and his family and I’m sitting alone during the holidays.

I’m glad we broke up but it feels like he has a huge impact on my future happiness and I’m destined to be alone.

Hi iamsafe how is it going for you now? I'm going through a separation currently and would love to know there is light at end of the tunnel

Firstly I want to say I am so sorry that you find yourself in this position. Who would want to be intimate with someone who has no personal hygiene and has sex with you after you have clearly told him you don't consent! I would seriously consider if you want to report him for sexual abuse/assault.

You need to get some support and advice on how to protect yourself and your kids. Don't agree to anything with him, until you are sure of your rights.

If you have someone who can support you regarding your mental health and attest for you if needed, it can be useful. It would stop him from trying to weaponize your mental health condition against you and it will show that you are taking reasonable steps to protect yourself and kids. It will also give you the confidence to stand up for yourself when he starts to blame everything on you and make you second guess if you are right to feel like you do.

I think that he's definitely spun a story to his family and he might have lined up another woman, before he's told you he wants to break up. Hence the change in behaviour.

However the picture in your mind of missing the kids birthdays and Christmas whilst they are with him and his family isn't going to happen. Especially if you document his ongoing abuse to you, he's going to have to work hard to prove he's safe enough to be allowed contact with your kids. It's a legitimate concern when someone doesn't understand the word, NO. As your kids are so little and have additional needs, you have to protect them. Some men can turn very nasty.

Even if he is deemed a suitable person, it doesn't mean he gets them at every family celebration either. So please don't torture yourself with upsetting ideas like that.

You will get through this and you will have a happy future.