Excess buying from grandparents

[excessmess]

I know this will be polarising, and it is not intended to be in-law bashing, I'm just trying to establish a way to manage this.

My in-laws love our DC dearly, they are their only grandkids. They are very generous towards them, and this is where we are struggling slightly. Every time we see them they buy the DC gifts, every Christmas, birthday and easter they shower them with lots of presents and in-between time they sometimes just send gifts in the post too.

I feel absolutely unreasonable and ungrateful BUT we have found this difficult. Firstly, it's just wasteful (it's stuff they don't need / often duplicates of things), secondly, I don't think it sends a great message to the kids to spoil them to this degree and thirdly, we live in a small home which doesn't have much space. For every thing they buy the kids I have to get rid of something else. The kids are at that age where they get attached to everything, so this process of constantly rotating stuff in and out of the house isn't easy and we come out as the bad guys. I also find it means we have to pare down what we buy for the children ourselves because we know the tidal wave which will come from them. This is fine, but sometimes I would love to be able to treat my own kids.

We have spoken to them about it several times (trying not to be ungrateful but asking them to reign it in for all of the reasons given above). We have suggested gifts stay at their house (doesn't work as they just forget and leave it to us to tear the things out of the kids hands as we leave which makes us the bad guy, so we gave up). We suggested that they buy other gifts for christmas / birthdays (e.g. a trip out) which doesn't work as they just by this as well as other gifts. We have explained the reasons and tried to express gratitude but it doesn't work, the stuff stops for one visit and then resumes again.

I recognise that we have a difference in values and it's a grandparents prerogative to spoil the grandkids. I'm just finding it hard because their values are intruding on our home if that makes sense. So AIBU and how can I deal with it?!

Suggest a savings account instead that they open and put present money into that? Don’t think this will work as they probably like the instant gratification of seeing the kids love a present. They’re doing it more for themselves than the children.
You could try you’re banning plastic toys for environmental reasons……… No new toys, only secondhand for same reason ( this makes it a bit harder for them to source stuff so might reduce it)

Savings account is a good shout.

Also consumable items eg tickets for days out
Books are also good because they take up less space

I have a similar problem with my parents and I've just given up. I've accepted that this is what they're like, they just love buying stuff and nothing is going to stop them. It does annoy me because I sometimes have to give up on buying things I would have liked to buy myself for the DC but I remind myself that it's a first world problem.
I regularly get the kids to choose things to give to charity. I've found that they are very willing to give away things if they know where they are going to (eg Ukrainian children who have fled their country without taking any toys with them).

It’s funny isn’t it? Some parents would kill to have this problem. I totally understand why it is a problem though and, as much as I love to spoil my grandchildren myself, I would be getting annoyed with the PIL’s at this stage because they are continuously ignoring what you’ve told them. Tell them one last time that you simply don’t have the space for anymore toys so any presents-outside of the expected birthday and Christmas ones-from them would be donated to the children’s ward at the hospital or some other charity.

Agree with PP that although they may love buying for the children, part of the appeal is their own enjoyment of seeing the children’s reaction.

I’m afraid I would intercept the postal gifts and pass on straight to charity. If you have a small home (as I do) it’s better not to bring unnecessary stuff in, in the first place. Just makes the place cluttered and claustrophobic.

Could you ask them to buy gifts you actually need like shoes or clothes, instead of more toys?

"oh, that's great, you can keep this at granny's house to play with here!" Is a good one, it makes them think twice about the giant plastic monstrosity they want to install into your living room.

Saving for university? - pointing out how much that costs might make them see sense.

I would be incredibly frustrated just at the fact that they are ignoring your requests. Can your DH say something?

That said, if they can't actually be stopped can you request consumable gifts/ gifts with a short shelf life (not sure how old they are but things like sticker books, colouring books etc which get used and then binned, or even sweet treats if you're not against those)

If you can't nudge them towards more experiential things, I'd just be sending stuff off to charity shops at regular intervals.

Their priorities are different to yours. It's annoying, but very much a first world problem.

My DD keeps me upto date with what clothes they might need and send me links. I pay for the school uniform. I take them for that, so it's a day out. I also started to volunteer to pay towards things, like passports , school trips etc. My eldest GC likes to go on holiday for their birthday. I paid for flights and hotel one year. This year I've paid towards the accommodation and a few activities. If you have a car and are by zoos/safari parks/NT/ swimming a membership is a good idea. You can now get gift vouchers for everywhere, soft play etc. Your DP should have a word. Activities are much better than stuff.

Same problem, I have tried everything but like a pp I have now given up. For the postal stuff I prescreen and some goes straight to charity. It’s mostly cheap stuff that breaks after a few plays so a bit easier to get rid of (though I despair of the waste). Don’t let it stop you getting stuff for the children yourself though, you are the parent. I find I have to pre-empt it and say “don’t buy this, I have already bought it”. Doesn’t always work, like the time when a whole trampoline showed up on the doorstep without prior warning 🙄

My MIL is the same.
She buys soooo much for my 2 girls.

Birthdays she must spend about £100 each and I would say about £200 + each at Xmas. Turns up with 2 Xmas sacks each and more.
Most visits she has something. Clothes/sweets etc.

It used to really annoy me but I gave up and just accepted it as it wasn't worth me feeling pissed off all the time.

In terms of toys etc, one of her friends sent a load of second hand toys over and I just said could we tell them we don't need any more toys next time, in the nicest possible way. No toys from anyone since!

I know it comes from a good place so I would say just let it go and don't stress over it.

Could you buy a large toy box to keep at their house? Explain to the kids that this is so some of their toys can live at their grandparents house. Then they always have to tidy up and put their toys away at the end of a visit (including any new ones). It also might make it easier to shuffle stuff to your in-laws house as you can 'Take some toys to play with' but then tidy then away into the PILs toy box before leaving for home.

I do think finding a route for most of the toys etc to end up back at your in-laws is probably best. It's just a case of finding a way that they kids are happy to help/know it will happen. And tbh if your in-laws don't want the stuff back then I'd be tempted to let it fall on deaf ears, just as they have with buying it in the first place.

If you are prepared to shift your mindset mentally so that it doesn’t matter who buys things for the children, you just then need to provide GPs with a list of things that the children need or want and you save your money.
So for her birthday DCs maybe get one nice present from you and then the rest of the parents are paid for by the GPs. The children won’t care who buys if they still get what they want

I was going to suggest them paying for outings but see you’ve tried that. Would something expensive like a zoo pass maybe mean they don’t buy as much stuff. Show tickets they could enjoy with the children. Pay for a hobby and kit to go with it? Clothes/uniform/shoes.
All you can do is explain politely. It’s lovely you want to buy them things but house bursting at seams.
Savings for Uni is sensible - I bet they have no idea they won’t be able to borrow enough.

If you have a garden would outdoor equipment or toys be an idea - playhouse, bike etc.

My husband threatened to buy his mother an elephant (a real one) if all the stuff she was buying didn't stop. I'm not sure if it would work with everyone but I think it worried her a bit and she did stop.

He is probably a bit unusual as I wouldn't put it past him.

I can be a bit like this with my grandchildren! I have got better & now will give/send clothes instead of toys. Maybe ask for them to send vouchers for days out instead? I know when my kids were younger I couldn't afford to buy them treats, out of birthdays/ Christmas, as always on a tight budget. So is nice to be able to do it now.

Same issue here - our DDs are PIL only grandchildren, the toys I could handle but MIL looks after them one day per week and always comes with some 'girly' tat (necklaces, scrunchies etc), I think it stems from the fact she had sons so she's spoiling her granddaughters in the way she never could do with her sons.

Its just one battle that I do not fight, she does a lot for us and I cannot begrudge her wanting to treat our children. Some of it goes to the charity store months later (with DD1's consent, DD2 too young).

Not the same, but my dad is obsessed with buying Dreamies for my cat. We are still getting through the Xmas Dreamies and he turned up with another kg of them the other day. The cat would be the size of a dumper truck if we dished them out at the rate they’re being bought.

I suspect my dad will be the same with future grandchildren.

ZealAndArdour that is very sweet though.

We had the same with mil. The charity shop did very well with stuff that she would buy that we simply didn't have the space (or need) for. It never got through to her but at least know the kids are older it tends to be money rather than stuff.

It really is! I love that he loves the cat and makes a fuss of him, but we really do have far too many dreamies for one cat. I might have to get another one to share them out.

This made me giggle. So sweet

My grandparents did this with mine. So very generous of them, but completely impractical. I am going to be honest, it didn't matter what I said, how I asked-they continued to do it. It also extended to boundary setting as well, this made life extremely difficult because we always seemed to be the bad guys for having rules. In the end, I gave up trying to get them to change, mainly because I would have driven myself mad. They are no longer with us now and I suppose I look at it as at least the children will have memories of being spoilt rotten by them.

I miss them, but am glad I am not having to battle them over boundaries now the children are teens.