I messed up (OCD with girlfriend)

[Chocchipcookiess]

First post long time lurker. I suffer from bad ocd specifically around intrusive thoughts regarding relationships. I am 19 male. We have been together 2 years. Ocd only got bad recently.

My girlfriend had a bad day at work yesterday and she was very tired when she got home. We don’t live together. Of course I took this personally and was nit picking at her. About not missing me, not being affectionate, etc. After a few sad texts from me she ended up sending me this text:

”I’m always excited to see you, and I’ve missed you a lot, I’m so grateful for you and everything you do, I’ve asked you to move in with me does that seem like a person that wants to let you go? I’d never make this step if I weren’t completely sure. I just want to be able to have an off day without any complaints it’s been a hard day and all this hasn’t made it any better :( that’s just me being honest, I want to go to sleep now I’m tired and drained”

I feel so guilty :(. I can also see from that text that she really loves me. What steps do I need to take to make myself better and improve myself?

Turn down her offer to live together until you have received support to get enough control over your OCD.

Go to your gp and get proper professional support. I have suffered OCD my whole life and it's draining not just to me but everyone around me. Now I live with a partner with OCD and some days it's hell on earth. Not just for your GFS sake but for yours, get proper support and please think about what you say to her before you say it, or you will push her away.

channel feeling bad into getting help. Don’t move in with each other as I don’t think you are ready.

100% this. If you behaved that way when she was exhausted and had a bad day, because you made it all about you, you will make her life an utter misery until you have control of your behaviour. I'm sorry you suffer from OCD, but it does not give you a pass to be awful to your girlfriend.

What the others said, but I would just like to add my best wishes for your success, as your GF does clearly love you very much (and sounds like a sensible woman well able to express her feelings) and it would be such a terrible waste if you were to drive her away.

Get counselling to help you look into why you feel so insecure and need constant validation and reassurance. This need doesn’t sound like OCD even if it affects your OCD tendencies.

Do not move in with her until you are far more secure in yourself.

For now, just say you are sorry, you realise you were wrong. Let her have some space and rest after her difficult day. Do something pleasant on the weekend if she’d like to. Do not take it personally if she doesn’t want to.

Thank you all so much for not being judgemental and trying to help. I am currently on the nhs waiting list for cbt and have been waiting for therapy to start for 2 months now. I started private therapy but unfortunately I don’t earn enough to keep doing it 😭

This.

I feel if my ex had listened to me when I said the first time, get help then come back to me, we wouldn't have had all the problems we had

First of all, you have accepted and recognised you have a problem that you need to address which is brilliant! Are you receiving any treatment for your ocd? Speak to your gp in the first instance to discuss your options of how to treat it, and talk to your girlfriend about it. She will be glad you have recognised how you were being to her wasn't right and will be happy you are dealing with it.

Maybe wait for now to move in together as it probably isn't a good time to start living together when your ocd is bad. Get it treated first as I guarantee if you are living together and feeling like this, your ocd will probably be triggered by more things when in each other's space all the time.

As above. You do need to get some help.
Blaming your behaviour on OCD may be true, but it's tiresome to be on the end of if the other person isn't trying to do something about it.
My DH had a similar issue when we were dating and it got to the point that I said if he raised (the particular issue he had intrusive thoughts about) again, then we would break up. I meant it.
I'm not unsympathetic, and my DD experiences this too. But part of dealing with it, is learning to resist it I'm afraid.

Just saw your update, still speak with your gp as there might be other options for now while you wait for your cbt therapy.

Are you receiving support for your OCD? I personally think that moving in together would be a mistake, not living together afforded your gf space.

What can you do? Get help for your OCD and accept that with all the best will in the world, right now, you aren’t in a frame of mind to be a supportive bf. Your priority should be improving your mh and you need to honest with your gf what’s happening with your mh and what you’ve trying to do to improve it.

Also (hasn't been mentioned here, I suppose it should go without saying) make sure you apologise to her.

Hope your treatment helps you. Having OCD is really hard. All the best to you.

Chocchipcookiess· 06/05/2022 10:13
Thank you all so much for not being judgemental and trying to help. I am currently on the nhs waiting list for cbt and have been waiting for therapy to start for 2 months now. I started private therapy but unfortunately I don’t earn enough to keep doing it 😭

I am sorry you are having this wait to start cvt, and your salary it too low to manage private therapy.

The important thing is how you have recognised you might need it. That really is a start. Your girlfriend must recognise this positive approach on your part and that is why she wrote back affirming she lives you, instead of leaving you.

Trust her and try to relax. Also remember that a partner isn’t a parent: even though we all want attention and to be cared for that can go too far.You are each individuals.

Good luck.

Typos - CBT ‘loves you’