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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a message now?

19 replies

isitbetterlate · 06/05/2022 09:11

I went to a funeral yesterday. The death was some time ago.

I didn't send a card at the time. I'm
not sure why. I was really struggling with it, and as the family don't really know me, I thought it wouldn't make much difference. Probably sounds selfish.

After the service yesterday, I feel like I want to get in touch. I just wanted to say how lovely the service was, send my condolences. I could message a sibling via FB, (who does know of me) but is that inappropriate now? I know they have received other messages this way.

I don't know if a card is too late now? Sort of hurtful to start receiving again after weeks?

Thank you.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 06/05/2022 09:30

I don't think I'd personally send a card this long after, but a message I think would be fine. Although if your just sending a card to say how lovely the service was etc.. then I think that's fine.

Northernsoullover · 06/05/2022 09:33

I think I would. Maybe not a card. I know that after bereavements you get cards messages etc but after the funeral you are left to get on with it. I think its probably a better time to remind someone that you are still thinking of them.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 06/05/2022 09:33

It is definitely not too late!! Honestly it is absolutely fine, and I am quite sure that the family will be grateful to receive your card and message. It can feel so lonely after the funeral when everyone has gone back to their lives and you are left with the loss, it could be a very welcome touch.

I think it’s really nice to share some memories of the person, my family loved that when my sister and nephew died.

sonjadog · 06/05/2022 09:37

You can send a card now. With deaths in my family, we have received cards for some time afterwards. It can take a while for people to find out about a death so it is quite usual.

GaspingGekko · 06/05/2022 09:38

After my DF died my I didn't see any of the cards, they were tucked away because it was too painful for DM to deal with.
It was probably over a year later when she finally brought them out and we sat and read through all the messages together.
So I would say send a card, and maybe explain why you didn't feel able to send one before now.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 06/05/2022 09:40

As long as hearing from you won’t cause distress to the family, it’s fine to send a message now. In most cases, people won’t have read the cards yet anyway; or will read them again later on, and it’s understandable that you felt too upset to send one yet.

If you’re someone they don’t know about or wouldn’t want to hear from, I’d not send either.

Phillipa12 · 06/05/2022 09:41

I loved the card I received 8 weeks after my dd died. The acquaintance that sent it said she hadn't known what to write at the time and didn't want to write any old words but wanted to sit and think and remember my dd. It really was one of the loveliest most genuine heartfelt cards I received, and made a difficult day a little brighter.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 06/05/2022 09:41

TakeYourFinalPosition · 06/05/2022 09:40

As long as hearing from you won’t cause distress to the family, it’s fine to send a message now. In most cases, people won’t have read the cards yet anyway; or will read them again later on, and it’s understandable that you felt too upset to send one yet.

If you’re someone they don’t know about or wouldn’t want to hear from, I’d not send either.

I disagree with this. I loved reading cards from people I’d never heard of, it was amazing to slot together the pieces of their lives.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 06/05/2022 09:42

Phillipa12 · 06/05/2022 09:41

I loved the card I received 8 weeks after my dd died. The acquaintance that sent it said she hadn't known what to write at the time and didn't want to write any old words but wanted to sit and think and remember my dd. It really was one of the loveliest most genuine heartfelt cards I received, and made a difficult day a little brighter.

Oh that is so sad and so lovely all at once x

mast0650 · 06/05/2022 09:49

I received some lovely letters/messages/cards after my father's memorial service. Some were from people who had already been in touch saying how moving the service was and adding more memories of my father or just general messages of support. But there is one in particular that I remember from a pupil of my father's from decades ago (she was my age, he was a secondary school teacher). I didn't know her at all but she knew about the service as her sister worked at the school. She wrote at some length about what a good teacher he had been and what a difference he had made to her life. It was really special. I think she sent it by e-mail.

I think at this stage sending a "sympathy" card with a cursory message would look a bit half hearted, though not awful. But a longer note (on a general purpose card) or an e-mail with some personal reflections on the funeral or the person would be really special and appreciated.

Original poster
isitbetterlate · 06/05/2022 09:51

I wouldn't know what to write in a card to the parents/family. I wouldn't be going into details of how I knew their loved one. I don't know if they ever remember hearing about me from them.

The sibling knows of me as they are good friends with my sibling, and I have met them once, when I was with their sibling, long ago.

I just wanted them to know the service had some lovely touches, that the love was obvious, and they will all be in my thoughts for a very long time.

OP posts:
Ariela · 06/05/2022 10:05

Do please write, all too often there is silence from everyone after the funeral, silence when actually you still want to talk about and think about a loved one, and hearing from others about your loved one weeks later helps a lot (when everyone thinks you should be over it)

50ShadesOfCatholic · 06/05/2022 10:14

isitbetterlate · 06/05/2022 09:51

I wouldn't know what to write in a card to the parents/family. I wouldn't be going into details of how I knew their loved one. I don't know if they ever remember hearing about me from them.

The sibling knows of me as they are good friends with my sibling, and I have met them once, when I was with their sibling, long ago.

I just wanted them to know the service had some lovely touches, that the love was obvious, and they will all be in my thoughts for a very long time.

It’s absolutely fine to say that, to say you don’t know what to say but …

It will be appreciated

WildCoasts · 06/05/2022 10:18

Maybe you can share a memory of the person with the family?

It's been a few years for me and, while a bereavement card might be a bit out of place, a card from someone who had just heard and was sorry to hear would be okay. (or a message) Saying how lovely the funeral was would be fine.

BeautifulDragon · 06/05/2022 10:19

I think sending a card to say how lovely the funeral was etc would be a lovely thing to send. Whether they know of you or not is not relevant.

I think you should definitely send it OP.

tomatoandherbs · 06/05/2022 10:21

Good heavens op - yes yes yes

thisplaceisweird · 06/05/2022 10:22

I don't ever think that a lovely, heartfelt and genuine message can ever be a bad thing. When someone dies there is no good or bad time, but kind sentiments are always appreciated.

Original poster
isitbetterlate · 06/05/2022 10:51

Okay, I have written a card now.

It is still a "sympathy" card. Is that okay?

Should I ask the sibling if it is okay to send this??

OP posts:
Crazylazydayz · 06/05/2022 11:49

A sympathy card is fine. No you don’t need to ask the sibling if it’s ok to send.

You are over thinking this, post the card today.

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