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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do I need to worry about this?

15 replies

JanetPluchinsky · 06/05/2022 08:48

I run a pub and I’m a sociable person in general. About a month ago I met a bit of a local character in another venue and had a nice chat with him, sweet guy, but a bit of an oddball, in his late sixties, flamboyantly dressed. He has a smallholding and we were talking about his animals and veg.

He’s started dropping in to see me at work over the last couple of weeks, he doesn’t drink , he’s not coming in as a customer, just to see me and chat. All fine.

But he’s started bringing me gifts. First was a crate of veg which I figured is fairly normal and in context. But then it was an ice cream and yesterday two huge bars of chocolate. I wasn’t actually there when he brought in the chocolate, he left it with my staff.

I’m not sure whether this is sweet and kind or a bit weird. He’s quite intense, asks if I’ve eaten today or if I’ve given up smoking yet as he worries about me. The guys at work think it’s hilarious, another customer/friend who was there thinks I need to nip it in the bud.

What do you think?
YABU he’s being friendly and I should gracefully accept his little tokens of affection or YANBU and this is a bit over the top/potential stalker.

OP posts:
Cubangal · 06/05/2022 08:54

It could be either really, what was he like with the staff when you weren't there?

dudsville · 06/05/2022 08:58

It's impossible to vote as I want a 3rd choice. I don't think it's sweet and you should just say thank you. I don't think yet that it's stalking. He may have become obsessed by you however, and a polite explanation or going grey should sort it out.

OuiWeeOui · 06/05/2022 08:59

If it's making you uncomfortable you should say something even if it's completely innocent

JanetPluchinsky · 06/05/2022 09:00

Cubangal · 06/05/2022 08:54

It could be either really, what was he like with the staff when you weren't there?

He didn’t say much apparently other than to ask for and then ask them to give me the chocolate (I told them they were welcome to share it between themselves).

My friend who’s known of him for years says fgs you’re too friendly to the weirdos, he’ll never leave you alone now.

OP posts:
chisanunian · 06/05/2022 09:01

He thinks he's in with a chance.

Jurassicparkinajug · 06/05/2022 09:07

It seems he thinks there's more in it than you do so even if he's not 'stalking you', it would be best to nip it in the bud. You could tell him you've just started seeing someone else but I fear this won't stop him. You may need to be direct. Try the subtle approach first. But definitely try to put a stop to this.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/05/2022 09:08

I'd be putting a stop to this. Listen to your friend.

HailAdrian · 06/05/2022 09:09

He could be on the spectrum and not realise he's being inappropriate. I know someone who is autistic and he gets attached to people (male and female). He's absolutely not thinking he's 'in with a chance' but often gets written off as a 'weirdo' which I think is a bit shit.

Unfortunately, whatever is going on, if you're feeling uncomfortable, you will just have to be straight with him.

Copperpottle · 06/05/2022 09:09

Nip it in the bud. Once they latch on they are hard to dissuade. I worked in a small shop, the guy ended up being arrested after the staff member he was fixated on locked herself in the staff room and he was punching the door.

JanetPluchinsky · 06/05/2022 09:10

He’s met my husband, and asks after him. I’d be very surprised if he thinks he’s in with a chance 🤣

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 06/05/2022 09:12

He’s very clearly showing an interest in you, most likely romantically. If you aren’t interested then you need to say something kind but unequivocal.

I can’t see why he’s a potential stalker from what you’ve said.

JanetPluchinsky · 06/05/2022 09:17

God I hadn’t really thought about it being a romantic gesture. That’s not the vibe I get, tbf.

Somewhat ironically the friend I mention was a customer and I know other venues think he’s a bit odd (he’s a day drinker who works on his laptop all day while downing pints) but he’s genuinely a good friend of two years standing and a lovely person so I’m wary of first impressions and writing this guy off.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 06/05/2022 10:49

Do you need/want more friends? Only carry on if you enjoy the company. If you feel it's weird.. back away.

JanetPluchinsky · 06/05/2022 13:56

I’m not short of friends and I am a bit of a collector of people (mainly through my job). But I am a bit weirded out by the gifts.

I don’t know how to tell him to stop though? I will definitely say to him that he doesn’t have to keep treating me but 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
clpsmum · 06/05/2022 13:59

My friend who’s known of him for years says fgs you’re too friendly to the weirdos, he’ll never leave you alone now.

If this is the way people talk about him and treat him maybe he is just happy to have a friend. I wouldn't find it offensive but I would make it clear I'm not romantically interested but happy to be his friend

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