To be concerned about this memory

[trackingthewind]

I have a memory from when I was in Reception Class at primary school that makes me uneasy whenever I think of it.

I went by myself from my classroom to use the toilet, to do this I had to go through the hallway and cloakroom. When I was in the cloakroom, the caretaker was in there brushing up.

He told me I was cute and picked me up to give me a cuddle. My memory is hazy around what happened when he picked me up, but I feel like I was in his arms for a couple of minutes with him talking to me and I remember feeling incredibly shy and uncomfortable. He then put me down and asked me to promise him 'not to tell anyone that he picked me up'.

I remember going back to the classroom and sitting quietly for a minute watching my teacher from across the room, knowing I should go and tell her. But she was busy with other children and I just didn't have the guts to.

Whenever I think back to this memory I feel really uneasy and just want to know whether there was anything more sinister that happened that I have either blocked out or just don't remember the details as I didn't understand it at the time.

I so wish now that I had spoken to my teacher as it would have been investigated and I would now know the truth.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill with this?

Could be innocent, like maybe his own kid had died and you reminded him of her? If you don’t remember anything else happening then I would just leave it.

You’re entitled to feel however you feel about it OP. It unsettled you and your gut instinct is there to protect you for a reason.
Have you spoken to anyone about this or considered therapy?
I’m sorry it still sits with you and causes you worry 💐

That's a hell of a reach!

are you a script writer for a soap opera ?

What the fuck. Honestly the lengths some people will go to in order to get men off the hook for shit like this.

No it wasn't innocent. Whatever his motives - and we can all draw the only realistic conclusion - grown men are not entitled interact with little girls in a way that is obviously going to make them uncomfortable (at the very least) for their own gratification. And certainly not physically!

I'm sorry this is still causing you discomfort OP. Maybe some counselling would help you to move forwards if you can access that kind of support.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read the post.

People are suggesting counselling/therapy which sounds quite sensible but I'm not sure how helpful it would be as what I really want to know or whether anything untoward happened. Sadly I will never know as this was back in the 90s.

Is the caretaker still in the school?

I doubt it as this was over 20 years ago and he was fairly old then

As someone who worked in CAMHS for 8 years if you feel something which it sounds like you do is off then it is. The fact he asked you to keep it a secret has alarm bells ringing all over it..

If the memory isnt more than that, personally I wouldn't try to dig it out.

You could inform police in case it forms part of a wider puzzle but think about if youd want to see it through if it turns out there are others with similar memories.

Even if it turns out he got convicted for paedoing it doesnt change your memory. It doesnt answer your own minds questions about whether you qualify as a victim (sorry if I'm wrong but I get the impression you feel violated but dont know if you were "violated enough" to be entitled to your feelings?)

I think a young child would feel uncomfortable and unsure even if all he did was pick you up and cuddle you. And then that would be even worse if he said not to say anything as then you'd feel there was something wrong to hide.

What he did was wrong but may well be no more than you remember- my view is you would remember if if he had done something much worse, and he would have been unlikely to risk it in a public corridor where someone may have walked past at any moment.