Husband going no contact with abusive dad

[Feelingsodeflated]

Hi all,

Writing this here because I just need to get it out without giving my poor DH more to worry about.

DH’s father has abused him emotionally his entire life. Out of the three children in the family, he has definitely had it worst. FIL also emotionally abused my lovely MIL who has finally taken the step to leave him after 40 years together.

FIL is incredibly manipulative and chose to stop working 15 years ago to ‘support the family’ (he did nothing to support anyone and just became incredibly bored and angry all the time). MIL is on the board of directors of a major company. She brought in all the income etc for the past 15 years.

now that she has chosen to finally step up and leave him, he checked himself into a mental hospital that costs MIL entire monthly salary per month. He then got released and 48 hours later, attempted to overdose (although upon arriving at hospital, his stomach didn’t need pumping and his blood tests were completely normal so we’re not really sure if he tried to overdose). The worst part of this is, he sent his suicide note to the entire board of directors of MIL’s company in a last ditch attempt to destroy her career. He divulged details of her personal life and made many false accusations about her work life. MIL is of course horrified.

Now onto DH. As I mentioned before, he was also abused by his father. I have witnessed it first hand (as have my parents and they refuse to ever see my FIL again as they were horrified by the way he treated DH). DH is a very caring, lovely human being but his dad treats his like dirt, as does BIL who is replicating his father behavior.

DH does not want to visit his father. The only reason he has maintained contact with him previously was because of MIL. Now she has left, DH wants to walk away from the man who abused him. He’s getting a lot of stick from his family about it who say it’s shameful that he’s turning his back on his father right now, and that he should be ashamed of himself. He’s so stressed that he hasn’t slept for days and his back muscles have tightened up due to the stress and he can barely walk.

i think that he’s done the right decision of choosing to walk away from this man but AIBU? I just want to help and support DH but everyone else is tearing him down.

sorry for the long post and any possible typos!

The people wanting your DH to continue seeing FiL are complicit in the abuse, they have been sucked in to an abusive family culture.

Even if your ILs had treated your DH great, he wouldn't acutally owe them anything and would be free to go his own way, if he so chose. I think all children are. As it is, stepping away is really the only sensible option for your DH, but sadly, it does appear to mean stepping away form the whole lot of them in this case.

I assume your DH hoped he would be able to maintain relationships with the others. Doesn't look like that can happen. Maybe one day some of the less abusively inclined members may take heart from your DH's example themselves and step away too. However at the moment their boundaries, and their respect for DH's boundaries, are all off. But until they can respect DH's reasons for doing what he is doing, they are not respecting him and your DH doesn't need them in his life. It's an awful situation, but NOT of your DH's making. He is not responsible for how they feel, or for pleasing them genrally, and this may be something he needs professional help to properly learn.

MIL and DH should both cut contact and ignore all the manipulations, suicide threats etc. Now that no-fault divorce is here to stay, she needs have no further truck with her ex.

If any family criticise DH for going NC, the answer is "He is fully supporting his mother .".

If FIL is abusive to all his children but your DH gets it worst, they probably don't want to take his place in the firing line.

Ignore the relatives, he owes his father nothing. Support DH by helping him to stay strong and ignore the pressure.

It is learnt and accepted behaviour that your fil is an abuser that can't be challenged. It takes a lot to break yourself free of that cycle, as evidenced by how long it took your mil to make the break.
Your DH absolutely should go NC. The family who are trying to guilt him out of it just haven't got to breaking point yet (and maybe never will) but that doesn't mean DH is wrong.
All you can do is support and back him up, which you already are.

My son-in-law is now 2 years nc with his father, I know it has caused him terrible pain and upset to take this position however it has been the absolute making of him. To cut out the manipulation, the toxicity, the negative comments and behaviour has been a huge weight off his shoulders. He is finally his own man, he is a better husband and father and I admire him greatly, it takes real strength to cut a parent out of your life. My SIL even looks better physically, taller almost, he is calmer, thoughtful and very kind. I think you should support your DH in every way, he owes his father nothing and needs to look forward to the future with posivity and happiness, Your DH deserves to live the best life he can, so cut out the cancer and carry on with your own family life.