Feeling like a failure

[motherducker55]

I know I'm probably being ridiculous. Suppose I just want some reassurance and maybe a slap.

Gave birth two weeks ago to a lovely baby girl. I wanted a VBAC following an EMCS 8 years ago but due to her positioning and some other health complications I ended up having a planned section.

I also wanted to bf. I spent 3 days in hospital after the section where we tried and failed to get her to latch. She screamed continually and I got very little help. It was awful. When we got home I gave her formula just so I could get some rest. From then on I decided I didn't want her at the breast as it was too painful and upsetting so my friend who is a nurse lent me a hospital grade electric pump and I began pumping so I could express.

However after a few days my supply dropped to paltry amounts. Each pump was soul destroying as I was getting barely anything. I wasn't hitting the 8-10 recommended pumps a day so it's probably my fault but I was so tired and had so much going on that I just couldn't factor it in. Over the course of two days I was only just making enough for one full feed. There was no way I could have kept up with her demand like that.

I made the difficult decision to stop pumping and fully formula feed and although the pressure is off now I feel so useless in myself. I've failed at everything I wanted to do and feel like I've prioritised what is easiest for me over what's best for baby. I know I will look back and kick myself for not trying harder in these first few vital weeks but it's just been so hard. I have other dc and other commitments. It's just been too much.

To add insult to injury, now I've made the final decision to stop pumping (after lots of deliberation and soul searching) my boobs are heavy and leaking again almost as if they're saying 'see we could have done it we do still have milk'. I just feel rubbish about it all and keep seeing breastfeeding mothers all over social media and wish we could have had that. Have I done the right thing?

You're not a failure, breastfeeding is hard. Lots of wise people on here might have some suggestions on potentially restarting that you may or may not want to consider.

Either way, your baby is being fed. Try to get some rest, you are no doubt exhausted and everything looks bad when you are tired.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby, please don't be so hard on yourself.

Thank you. I have been in contact with the breastfeeding support team and they keep saying that there are ways to keep going but I feel like whatever I try isn't enough. It's just draining me and taking the enjoyment away from having a newborn. I knew it would be a challenge but i hadn't realised how hard. I thought pumping would be the answer but it's not. And baby is so upset at the breast that I've given up on that too.

I can relate to your feelings but you are not a failure! There are so many other parts of motherhood!!! You have just grown a whole baby!!!! And your baby is here safely, it doesn’t matter how they got here! You are going to do so much more for your baby, it’s just the beginning. You are amazing and your little baby will think you are the best mummy ever!!!

Congratulations! As others say the main thing is your baby is being fed. Have you considered mixed feeding? And also, nipple shields can be really helpful if youre sore, or have trouble with the latch. It doesnt have to be either or, you dont have to choose. It sounds like breastfeeding means a lot to you. You can do both if you want to.
Breath........ 🌺

I would have been happy to mix feed but unfortunately my supply has just eked down to nothing. And baby gets so distressed and fussy when hungry that I feel she'd be super stressed on the breast now.

Fenugreek! It made a world of difference for me. I had a horrible infection and my supply dwindled to bugger all but fenugreek got my supply going. Give it a go for a week. Good luck!

My kids are all adults and there is so much more to being a parent than breast feeding or bottle feeding. It's good that you gave it a go but if it didn't work then I honestly wouldn't give any more thought. I liked breast feeding as I found it convenient but I was well aware that it would have been amazing to bottle feed too. There are huge advantages to both. Mixed feeding never worked for me.
One big advantage of bottle feeding is that your partner will be able to feed the baby. That is such a positive for all of you.

Feeling guilty about stuff to do with your kids is endless but pointless.
Congrats 🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

We place so many pressures on ourselves as parents and many of those goals and aims are simply unachievable despite all our best efforts. You made the best decision to have a safe delivery for the good of your baby. Excellent decision.

you then strove to breast feed but it has caused huge stress and simply isn’t working for either of you so you have taken a decision that is right for your baby despite it breaking your heart. Another excellent decision.

Both times you have prioritised your child. That’s is not failure.

we are massively fortunate to have these choices and you have a healthy baby as a result. Now give yourself a tiny grip and ditch the society induced guilt that will rear its ugly head many times.

you have aced this. Congratulations on your baby, please enjoy and marvel in her.

This and lots of oats.

But, if you are happy with stopping then that is completely fine too. Your baby is being fed.

I didn't get either of the births I wanted and I did struggle to come to terms with that but I have two happy children, doesn't matter how they came into the world in the grand scheme of things.

You are doing amazing and please look after yourself too because it's so important and often overlooked.

Congratulations on your new baby!

Formula feeding is a perfectly safe and sensible way to feed a baby so don't beat yourself up about it. You need to recover from the birth and look after yourself as well as your children.

If you do want to try breast feeding again, it would probably be worth talking to a la lèche league or breastfeeding supporter to get some proper advice, but I had very similar issues and ended up mixed feeding DD. She was (is!) fussy, but I found that a bit of formula then winding then some breast meant I had a bit more supply because of her sucking and she wasn't angry as she'd eaten something.

Good luck

You are absolutely not a failure. You don't have to close the door on bf if you don't want to - but don't make it the be all and end all. I am a bf mum who had struggles with both my daughters - first one I persisted and persisted, making u both pretty miserable for a few months until it clicked but I had the time and was determined. Second one was full on breast refusal. Faded around trying to hand express colostrum for her, it was a nightmare. I had just had a repeat section, had a 4yo to look after as well and frankly was a lot more tired than I had been the first time. So she had formula on day three because she was starving and although I cried when DP gave it to her (stupidly) but seeing how much happier she was, I knew it was the right thing.

Like you I struggled to make time to sit pumping 8/10 times per day, but luckily I had a good supply (oversupply really, which along with a fast let down is probably why both girls struggled at the boob). A hands free pump changed everything - I got one called Pipetta, then bought another one so I could do both boobs at once or line them up to spend less time washing up. They worked amazing and even when they didn't (post mastitis for e.g) it was less devastating to get a few MLS when I'd been focussed on doing something else like playing with my eldest whilst pumping, instead of sitting for half an hour not holding my baby or doing anything useful, watching the bottles not filling up. Would strongly recommend an in-bra pump if you did want to keep going.

HOWEVER. If you don't, that is NOT failure. Failure would be caring more about "achieving your goals" than doing what is safest and best for you and your children - all of them.

Please don't be hard on yourself or compare yourself to others. You love your children, and by looking after yourself you are putting them first because they NEED you.

Aw it’s so sad to read of a mother who has delivered her beautiful baby feeling anything less than pride - in her baby and in herself.

It is madness that we have reached the point where new mothers feel like failures for the type of delivery or for having difficulties breastfeeding.

Yes a vaginal birth is the ideal and breastfeeding is recommended but the reason that caesareans and formula are a thing is simply to save lives. Thank goodness we have them!!

I really hope these feelings pass and you can enjoy your baby and feel proud of yourself soon.

I will say this though, removing milk from the breast is the only thing proven to increase supply. Funny tea, lots of porridge etc are often touted but the breast works on a feedback system - empty breast tells the body to make more milk. So if you do want to increase your supply, focus on finding a pumping system that works for you.

Oh my goodness you are me! Almost word for word. But I refuse to beat myself up about it because I'm a bloody fantastic mother to my 2 AND SO ARE YOU!

I felt exactly the same after my first son - EMCS and then I couldn't get breastfeeding going. I beat myself up for ages but I just wanted to reassure you that the feeling fades and now my first DS is a wonderful 5 year old who is the tallest in the class and rarely gets ill. My second son I did manage to breastfeed (with a lot of support and money spent), is much smaller and gets ill more often. I know it's only anecdata but I say it because it was the sort of nonsense I worried about when I felt I'd failed to BF my first.

Also as an aside I actually found bottle feeding a lot more convenient as could just use ready made formula pop it in a bottle and give it to them, unlike breastfeeding which I found myself doing while on the loo or leaning against a wall when I couldn't find anywhere to sit down. Also meant my DH could be properly involved in the early stages.

Look after yourself. One day this will be a distant memory x

With breastfeeding it's really important to look after yourself so drink and eat plenty, rest as much as you can and lots of skin to skin with the baby.

Have you looked into cranial osteopathy? I've heard that this has been very helpful for some babies that have had trouble with latching on.

At the end of the day if breastfeeding doesn't work it's really not the end of the world, and you've done really well to give your baby some breastmilk.

With regards to the birth, I had an ECS with my first and had a planned section booked for my second. I ended up going into labour naturally and I was really excited to try for a VBAC, but we ended up with another ECS and big haemorrhage. I am a bit annoyed that I didn't have VBAC in the end, but baby and I are both healthy so I'm feeling grateful we're both in one piece.

You are not a failure! I know we can tell
you this until we are blue in the face and you won’t believe it but 10000% you have not failed!
I have been you! The section, non latching baby, pumping and stopping! A couple of days after I stopped pumping I did start again and carried on exclusive pumping then until baby was 5mo, but even now looking back, I should have just stuck with formula! I had so so much more time to enjoy my baby when formula feeding than when I was strapped to a pump every few hours!
Motherhood is multifaceted and the birth and feeding are only small parts. When you look at your child in a school playground in a few years you won’t be able to tell which one was bf or ff, or which one was born by section!
When I used to go down a dark alley in my head about this I kept thinking, imagine if this was 100 years ago, without the section I would have died and so would baby, without the formula they definitely would have died. There’s a reason the infant and mortality rate is so much lower now!

You are an amazing mum, you will see that i
promise! It’s annoying that the narrative is all waterbirth and bf, but really a lot of women don’t get that and that’s fine! All birth is birth ❤️

feel like I've prioritised what is easiest for me over what's best for baby

These are not mutually exclusive. Quite the opposite. Doing what's right for you, easiest for you, most comfortable for you, least stressful to you, will provide your brand new little one with a relaxed, comfortable mum to welcome her into her first few months in the world. That's enormously valuable for you both, and for your bond, which is the most important bond she'll ever have.

You did exactly the right thing.

Don't ruin the positive effects by getting all wound up about it, you'll defeat the object!

Congratulations on your new arrival! Please don't feel like a failure. You've nurtured your daughter throughout your pregnancy, and wisely followed the medical advice on the safest way for her to be born, even though it wasn't what you hoped for. Now you're ensuring she is fed and contented. That's brilliant parenting.

If natural delivery worked perfectly for every woman, the human race would not have invented c-sections. If breastfeeding worked perfectly for every woman, the human race would not have invented formula. You're using the tools at your disposal to ensure the best outcome for you and your baby, and you are both going to be amazing.

Doing what's right for you, easiest for you, most comfortable for you, least stressful to you, will provide your brand new little one with a relaxed, comfortable mum to welcome her into her first few months in the world. That's enormously valuable for you both, and for your bond, which is the most important bond she'll ever have.

Massive yes to this. The most valuable thing you can do for your kids is look after yourself, to enable you to be the best possible mum to them.

Thank you all so much, I'm in tears reading these replies. It's so easy to beat ourselves up and compare to what others are doing. I'd built up this big scenario in my head of how I'd thought it would be and because it hasn't worked out like that I'm feeling so useless and disappointed. But logically I know you are all right and it's more important that me and baby are happy and settled.

I had a similar issue - and I felt initially about FF. it definitely fed into my PND and PNA

BUT 6 years on I wonder what my problem was - my son thrived and continues to!

Well done for trying BF but enjoy this time with your baby and you are a wonderful mother

When I had to abandon breastfeeding because I wasn't making enough milk, my DSis said to me, 'Millions of women all over the world use formula and millions of babies thrive on it and millions of babies survive because if it, who otherwise wouldn;t because their mother's don't make enough milk.' It was very comforting.

I also met a woman when DC were tiny who came from family where the women produced no milk. It was hereditary., She said her family's babies had survived for centuries on cow's milk and early solids. She was so relxed about it.

There are massive benefits to formula, the main one being that other adults can feed your baby, so you get a rest and the baby gets to bond with their dad or family members.

What matters is that you feel able to cope. I think it comes down to making a decision. tell yourself: I choose to be fine with this. It's normal for loads of mothers and I am one of them. Then close your ears to any pressure to believe otherwise. And if you leak a bit, then you can always give yoru baby a snack or pump little and add it to the formula.

This is a great perspective!

Don’t beat yourself up! You grew and birthed a gorgeous baby just a matter of weeks ago, do not let this spoil this time for you! In an ideal world things would always go to plan, but sometimes it doesn’t. I promise you, one day you’ll feel much less hard on yourself. We are lucky to have formula and clean water, we should never feel shame for using it.
Look around any playground, can you tell which children were breastfed? No! And I don’t say that to trivialise breastfeeding, those who do it are amazing. But some people cannot (or don’t want to) and that is OK and as mothers we should be proud of ourselves so long as we are doing our best.